I was wanting to use some stuff I had in my room to burn and was trying to calm myself down and be rational. Telling myself it was okay to want to didn’t work, so dialogued it through. Surprisingly enough (well, it was surprising to me) it helped.
Okay E, so you want to use them.
I. want. to. use. them.
Okay, so you want to
It’s not okay
What isn’t okay?
That I want to
Why not? It is okay
It’s not okay, coz’ I can’t use
You can though. You can use them if you want to. You’re choosing to instead do this.
That’s why it’s not okay. Coz’ I can’t actually listen to THIS me.
You can listen. You’re choosing not to.
But I want to be able to choose yes to. I want to be able to choose that option that doesn’t kill this side of me and choosing not to use destroys this me, slowly but surely
It’s not okay
That’s okay too. It’s allowed to not be okay
Coz’ I don’t know how to handle it.
What don’t you know how to handle?
I want to use. I want to mess up. You, the other side, doesn’t want to. Wants to live, wants to be. And then there’s both. And nothing. And whatever happens one side is hurt.
Hmm, I hear that. I would say that’s okay too.
Which is isn’t
Which is why I didn’t say it was. It might not be okay, but it’s just the reality. It is what it is. And yes, it’s tough.
To be trapped.
To be trapped. Where everything you choose is wrong. And, it mightn’t be okay, but, it’s what it is, and it’s allowed to be. It just is.
I still want to use
Okay, so you want to use.
What do you want to use?
I want to play with fire. I want to burn myself. Really, I don’t want to just play with it, I want to destroy myself with it, but I don’t think I’d be able to put myself through that pain, and that makes me feel like a coward, that I’m not able to really hurt myself and I want to light a match, and burn everything here but that’s not what I’d do regardless, so I want to light a candle and wait until the wax is melted and then pour the melted wax onto myself, and breathe through the intensity and light another, and another and another.
And continue lighting candles ad infinitum?
Hmm. Yes and no. For nothing will ever be enough but I’l get tired of it and frustrated that it isn’t giving to me what I want.
What do you want it to give to you?
Hmm. Good question. I don’t really know.
Why do you want to burn yourself?
I want to destroy myself.
But burning won’t destroy you?
No, it won’t.
So why do it?
Coz’ superficially it will.
But as you said
It’ll never be enough.
Coz’ it’s only fake destruction, only partial. So unless I actually succeed in destroying myself it’ll never be enough, but, I don’t know.
What don’t you know
It’s about destruction not about suicide. I don’t want to kill myself, well, I do, but this isn’t about that. This is about destroying myself.
Okay, I hear you. So you want to destroy yourself without killing yourself.
Yes. Although I want to end it, but that’s not about killing myself but about ending the pain.
Of living. Of being. Of existing
I’d ask what but that’ll just frustrate you. So, okay.
Yup, it’s okay. You’re allowed to think whatever you want. It doesn’t define you. You get to define yourself
I don’t know who I am.
Give yourself time. You’ll get there. And instead of falling asleep whilst writing just go to sleep.
I love you E.
You will get there.
I promise you that.