Dialogue with myself (TW – SH) — Journey to life #186

I’m grateful. I’m grateful that I can journal through dialogue. I’m grateful that I learn what’s going on for myself. I’m grateful for how much putting it down calms me.

Dialogue journaling – #186

Why did you buy cocodamol?
I want it. (Stamps imaginary foot in head)
You’re allowed to want it
I’m not.
You’re allowed to want everything Eliza.
Literally everything.
I’m not
Eliza, you’re allowed to want everything.
I can’t.
What can’t you?
Be.
Okay. You can though.
Not.
Am I going to change your mind?
You can’t. It’s […]

via Dialogue with myself (Trigger warning – self harm) — Journey to life

 

 

LTM: 12th July ’19

Dear Eliza

It is shabbat soon. Nearly time for the meal (after which you won’t be online or writing). You’re overwhelmed. And you’re okay. You know you haven’t been journaling enough. I know you’re tired. Of trying so hard. And you’re okay. You’re really okay.

I love you Eliza. I love all of you. The good, the bad, the pretty, the ugly.

Darkness is the absence of light. Fill the world with light. Fill your world with light. You’re worth it, it’s worth it, and the world is worth it.

I love you and I’m with you. God is with you too. Every single step of the way.

When the going gets tough, just hold on. Hold on to hope. Remember why you’re doing this. Coz it’s awesome. Coz the world is filled with beauty. Coz you’re getting to chart a path, to chart your path, to create a life for yourself, a life beyond your wildest dreams.

It’s a journey. One I, god, and so many others are with you on. People can care about you Eliza. And people can stay.

Always and forever,

Eliza

Not Alone, Reason 183

Not Alone, Reason 183

Hi, this is Tamara, and when I feel despair in life, it gives me hope in knowing that I do not go at it alone; in fact, I am never alone! This is reason to fight onward with my fellow brothers and sisters!

Not Alone

No exceptions are given to anyone from the terrible suffering in which we all experience in our fallen world. However, there is comfort in knowing that we are never alone in whatever pains befall us.

Illusions of isolation and aloneness during our misery tend to heighten our despair, and thicken the dreadful sludge of gloom in which we must drag ourselves during these bleak times.

Continue reading “Not Alone, Reason 183”

Child’s Eyes, Reason 182

Child’s Eyes,

Reason 182

~

This is Tamara!

Doses of shimmering colors and soft, pastel shades can be seen in greater richness and vibrancy when viewed through the healing touch of a child’s eyes. This is reason  to find great joy and wonder in life!

Looking Through A Child’s Eyes, Poetry

If I could glimpse through a child’s eyes

at all the wondrous beauty that they see,

My eyes would drink in so much joy,

and these captivating feasts

would satisfy me!

.

I would see the sun glossing a sugar-pink rose,

and a turquoise river flowing wild and free;

There would be rainbows on every corner,
Continue reading “Child’s Eyes, Reason 182”

Reflection, Reason 181

Reflection

Hey, there! It’s Tamara, again, and I’m on a roll!

As far as Reason #181, I love the Lord’s warm, loving reflection upon my heart, as a major reason to find joy in being alive!

In this poem, I am feeling rather blue from the bitter cold, but the Lord comes through (which is really no surprise as long as we trust him).

Reflection

Winter had come quite early for her,

though in reality, it was still early autumn;

she wore a coat, hat, and gloves, Continue reading “Reflection, Reason 181”

Big Dogs, Reason 179

Big Dogs

Hello, this is Tamara 

Big Dogs are cool, and fun! Having fun is a good enough reason, in my book, to live!

My dad’s 100-plus pound dog, a silky Black Labrador (with a coat so glossy, that it shines even when there is no light present), follows me around everywhere.

So, this means that when I sit down, he plops on the floor, right below me.

Thus, as it so happens, I arose from the chair to do some errands, and as I took one gigantic step over him (so as not to actually step right on top of him), he also rose up (there is humor in this), and so, all at once, I found myself riding on the back of this big, black horse!

Continue reading “Big Dogs, Reason 179”

I don’t want to hurt my family #177

I’ve been thinking about reasons to live for the past few days.

I haven’t written on here in a while, for I haven’t been needing it in the same way. I don’t need the reasons in the same way. Friday was triggering. I was speaking to someone who told me that the reason she isn’t killing herself now is because she is religious and believes it is wrong. I know that’s the reason. We’ve discussed it before. Yet someone the thought was majorly triggering for me. For I was thinking about how I don’t believe it’s wrong. How I don’t know what I believe about religion. How I don’t even care if it IS wrong, that’s so not a reason not to end it….. Continue reading “I don’t want to hurt my family #177”

There’s always another choice #176

Life is about choices.

Sometimes it feels like the only option is suicide. Yet, that’s one choice. I was reading the letter I wrote – I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself – and stopped to write this.

One of the main reasons I held on was because I knew that I didn’t know what could be. Because if I’d end it, that’s the only option – ending it. Whereas if I’d hold onto life, I would always still have the option of ending it. By continuing to live, I can still always choose to die. Whereas once I’ve ended it, I’ve taken all choice away.

Continue reading “There’s always another choice #176”

Family #175

175. My family.

I love my family. The crazy, lovable, cool people who make up.my family. The ones who drive me up the wall and back down it again. I love my family. All of them. They’ve all their own issues and quirks. Some of them are more balanced then others. They all love. They all dream. They all hope. They’re all full of life and laughter.

Continue reading “Family #175”

Life’s heading – somewhere? #174

After writing this post I feel like it’s a reason. Life has always been about holding on. I’m grateful. That it begins to feel different. It begins to feel as though maybe there’s something more to life and this world. Maybe life can be, will be, about where life is heading. It’s heading – somewhere. I’ve no clue where that somewhere is. But it feels like it’s heading somewhere. Like it can head somewhere.

The past couple of weeks is the first time in my life that I’m beginning to see that there could be a life. It was/has always been about the opposite. First it was suicidality with no awareness of it. Before that, I never really lived in the world. I used to wonder if I was living in a dream and would one day wake up. I used to wonder if I was really real or a figment of my imagination – I know, where’s ‘my’ imagination coming from, or someone’s imagination. After I chose to give life a go 2.5 years ago, it’s always been, just hang on, coz’ it’s worth it, for there has to be something more. What’s the something? Who knows. Just believe. Believe in those who have done it before. Believe in the impossibility. Life’s been all about hanging on.

via Life’s heading – somewhere? — Journey to life

 

You’re worth it — Journey to life #173

You are worth it. Always and forever.

I hope this link will work. This seriously brought me to tears. It’s so hard to believe. To look past all that the world portray. The media. People. My own words enemy is myself. You are worth it. Nothing can ever change that. Nothing anyone says. Nothing anyone does. You are worth it just coz […]

via You’re worth it — Journey to life

Edit, I hear the above URL doesn’t work for everyone (I wonder why that is, the above definitely worked for some people) so including this one from Didi – thank you Didi!

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