I’m rescheduling/reblogging what I wrote because, it’s applicable today. I wish I had the words.
A 16 year old girl in my community committed suicide the other day. I wish I could have spoken to her. I’m not sure if I’d know what to tell her. I’m not sure that there’s anything to say.
Dear ____ . Scrap the dear.
If you’re reading this I’m guessing you’re suicidal. Have thought, are thinking of, suicide as a viable option. I know that place. Where the only option is to end your life in order to end the pain. It isn’t about ending your life I know. It’s about stopping the world. Getting off from a world you didn’t ask to be part of. Maybe that’s just how I see it. The train moving way too fast on the tracks, the tracks ending at a cliff, the train is going to hurtle down the cliff and you’re going to be shattered to pieces at the bottom. Or you can just get off the train of life. Continue reading “I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself”
I’m grateful. I’m grateful that I can journal through dialogue. I’m grateful that I learn what’s going on for myself. I’m grateful for how much putting it down calms me.
Dialogue journaling – #186
Why did you buy cocodamol?
I want it. (Stamps imaginary foot in head)
You’re allowed to want it
You’re allowed to want everything Eliza.
Eliza, you’re allowed to want everything.
What can’t you?
Okay. You can though.
Am I going to change your mind?
You can’t. It’s […]
Lying in the grass. Lying in the grass is most definitely my reason to live for today. Just lying in the grass feeling the sun…. Continue reading “Lying in the grass #185”
I’ve been thinking about reasons to live for the past few days.
I haven’t written on here in a while, for I haven’t been needing it in the same way. I don’t need the reasons in the same way. Friday was triggering. I was speaking to someone who told me that the reason she isn’t killing herself now is because she is religious and believes it is wrong. I know that’s the reason. We’ve discussed it before. Yet someone the thought was majorly triggering for me. For I was thinking about how I don’t believe it’s wrong. How I don’t know what I believe about religion. How I don’t even care if it IS wrong, that’s so not a reason not to end it….. Continue reading “I don’t want to hurt my family #177”
Life is about choices.
Sometimes it feels like the only option is suicide. Yet, that’s one choice. I was reading the letter I wrote – I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself – and stopped to write this.
One of the main reasons I held on was because I knew that I didn’t know what could be. Because if I’d end it, that’s the only option – ending it. Whereas if I’d hold onto life, I would always still have the option of ending it. By continuing to live, I can still always choose to die. Whereas once I’ve ended it, I’ve taken all choice away.
After writing this post I feel like it’s a reason. Life has always been about holding on. I’m grateful. That it begins to feel different. It begins to feel as though maybe there’s something more to life and this world. Maybe life can be, will be, about where life is heading. It’s heading – somewhere. I’ve no clue where that somewhere is. But it feels like it’s heading somewhere. Like it can head somewhere.
The past couple of weeks is the first time in my life that I’m beginning to see that there could be a life. It was/has always been about the opposite. First it was suicidality with no awareness of it. Before that, I never really lived in the world. I used to wonder if I was living in a dream and would one day wake up. I used to wonder if I was really real or a figment of my imagination – I know, where’s ‘my’ imagination coming from, or someone’s imagination. After I chose to give life a go 2.5 years ago, it’s always been, just hang on, coz’ it’s worth it, for there has to be something more. What’s the something? Who knows. Just believe. Believe in those who have done it before. Believe in the impossibility. Life’s been all about hanging on.
You are worth it. Always and forever.
I hope this link will work. This seriously brought me to tears. It’s so hard to believe. To look past all that the world portray. The media. People. My own words enemy is myself. You are worth it. Nothing can ever change that. Nothing anyone says. Nothing anyone does. You are worth it just coz […]
Edit, I hear the above URL doesn’t work for everyone (I wonder why that is, the above definitely worked for some people) so including this one from Didi – thank you Didi!
As I wrote, I just started a new blog – Journey To Life – rather than journey from suicidality. At the moment that’s making me smile and giving me a positive feeling. I don’t understand why it’s doing that, but hey, I’m not complaining! I’m grateful for it. For another reason to live. The world has been feeling so dark recently and anything that gives me glimmers of smiles, even if the smiles are thought smile rather than shown, I’m grateful for. See you there as well as here.
Love, light and glitter
The skies blue here
Blue sky helps me
Feel sane Continue reading “Blue sky #169”
My friend sent me this letter that Stacey wrote. It really touched me.
It reminded me of the letter I wished I could have given to the girl, before she killed herself. I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself What I wish I could tell anyone before they take the final act. Final because there is no other choice or option. Continue reading “Reblog – letter to someone suicidal from a therapist #168”
Glimmers of hope. #167 Continue reading “Glimmers of hope #167”
I wrote this earlier. I feel insecure posting it as I knew when I wrote it that it wasn’t well written. However, if I wait to read it through I’ll just delete it. So, 166 – It’s the journey, not the destination. Continue reading “It’s the journey, not the destination #166”
Reason 164….. safety.
I rarely feel safe. Mainly within myself, and if I don’t feel safe within myself, I don’t/can’t feel safe within the world, with people, or anything or anyone at all. Continue reading “One Hundred and Sixty Four: Safety in the moment”
I know I’m random posting some old stuff… but I like the stuff, so it’s getting here. Hope others do too.
Yes. No hesitations
If I tell you that I have the way for you to kill yourself, that would definitely work, would you do it?