Control. Letting go. Trust. Can I let go? Can I take control? Can I trust? It’s a paradox. Control vs trust. For most people will say that the opposite of control is letting go. I think trust is the opposite of control. For in order to really let go of control, you have to trust. I was just listening to a 12 step call, and was thinking about it whilst listening (yeah, distracting myself from listening ;) ). The topic was step 3. Letting go. Giving your will and life over to a power beyond you. Some of it I have no issue with. Some of it, well, I’m not so sure about…… I know that there is an infinity that created this universe. I know that’s what I believe after working through it. I also know that I can give up control to this infinity. I’ve worked through it. And when I’m struggling I often think that, hey, you know, really there is an infinite power who is in ultimate control, I don’t need to do this, I can let this infinity do it. I’ve fought that because I want control :) but for the moment I’m okay with that.
The other night I was talking to this infinity. And I noted something interesting. I was talking as though to a third party. I wasn’t addressing myself to a ‘you’. It was always ‘infinity’. I wasn’t naming the infinity either. It was interesting to me to see that I couldn’t, can’t, be personal with this infinity that must exist. A couple of nights after that I told my rabbi that I don’t trust anyone. You know, that’s the first time I’ve actually said that. This is the first time I’m writing it. He said that would mean that I wouldn’t be able to trust god either. Seriously not?? I never realized that. Yeah, I saw that when I was talking to the infinity that created the world. I saw that I can’t be direct or personal.
Control vs trust. I’m not in control. I know I’m not. For if there is an infinity then it must be in control. I can let this infinity control, however, I can’t give my life over. I can’t let go of what I want. Because there’s nowhere to let it go to. There’s no place for trusting and feeling safe. That’s what the discussion with my rabbi was actually about. I was trying to explain why I don’t feel safe with AH (I’m just realizing that I didn’t tell him that it wasn’t and isn’t me that put a distance there or was questioning continuing, it was actually AH). Come to think of it, this is probably why I feel like there’s no stability in the world, like there’s no centredness. If there isn’t safety anywhere, then there can’t be stability. Which probably means all I’ve said about other things. I can transfer it to this. I always said that if a person doesn’t love themselves, however much others love them, they won’t be able to feel it, for it’s filling a cup with a hole in it. The cup has to be sealed for what others have to give to be able to fill it. I guess to feel safe, I have to find the safety within myself. If I can do that, then I’d feel safer with others, too. For they wouldn’t have to keep it safe. I could. They’d just be filling the water into the cup that’s already there.
Control vs trust. I believe that they’re opposites. I saw this quote: Anything you can’t control is teaching you how to let go. I think it should be slightly different. Anything you can’t control is teaching you how to trust.
I’m not quite sure what I’ve been trying to say…. if you know, please let me know :)