AH

I’m in tears here. And I should journal. But this is something I want to write here.

I miss AH.

I’ve actually nothing else to say other than that. I miss AH. And there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I don’t know what the right thing even is. Someone asked me if I miss him, or if I miss speaking to him. I don’t miss speaking to him. I don’t miss the sessions. They were a waste of time. They weren’t a waste of time. For they were what the relationship was built on. They were the unifying factor, that bridged the gap of what I’d share. So they weren’t a waste of time. But yet they weren’t anything but hard. Speaking to someone when you can’t speak feels like a waste of time.

I miss AH.

And there’s nothing I can do about it. I was trying to tell him what I needed from him. But he didn’t hear that. Instead he ended it. I know he’d say I ended it. But I didn’t. He said he didn’t think there was a point in speaking. And he has – had – absolutely no clue of what I was trying to tell him I needed. I needed him to tell me what he understood of what I shared. I tried to tell him that. I always feel like when I communicate with him all wires get crossed. Which takes away any point in communicating with him.

I miss AH.

I miss the relationship we kinda built. I miss that there was someone there who’d try to stay there regardless. He didn’t stay. I don’t know what is my issue and what isn’t. And I’m tired. And it hurts. And it all feels like a waste of time. I wasted my time caring about someone who wouldn’t try. Who’d let me push him away. Who’d find me too much and tell me so (tell me that I’m ‘too much’). Who told me he would do his best not to let me push him away but didn’t keep to his word. Who told me that he didn’t think he could do this (relationship) and then told me that it’s me who’s ending it, and then told me I’m the one confused not him. He doesn’t know what he wants. And tells me I don’t. I always knew what I wanted. Him to stick through it and work it out with me. He didn’t.

I miss AH.

Too much would have to be different for it to work. I don’t know if there’s a way to get past this. I know it’d be awesome if I could. I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if he can. Aside from getting past it, there’s all the practical that’d have to be different. There’d have to be a real plan in place. For both what would happen when we speak and what would happen not when we’d speak. If it’d happen. He would have to read every thing I send him twice (if I do). And he would have to tell me everything he understood of anything I said or shared. So if I said ‘I am tired’, he’d have to play back what he understood – that I’m tired. Because that’s the primary thing missing. He never understood most of what I shared. And I had no way of knowing what he understood for he didn’t tell me. And I have to know what is or isn’t understood. Of everything. There’d also have to be specific stuff to work through. All the practical stuff I want to learn. Like how to handle it when it’s too much. Like what boundaries are normal. Like what boundaries are. Although it doesn’t make sense to want it, when, I don’t know when it’s too much, when, I don’t know what boundaries are.

I miss AH.

And there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I don’t know what the right thing even is. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I miss AH.

What kinda scares me, wrong word, it doesn’t scare me, but that I find fascinating, and that bothers me that it’s so, is that it’s been 6 weeks, and it’s only now, after the time and space that I miss him. What bothers me is that it takes that long for me to process anything.

I miss AH.

I just want to cry.

I miss AH.

One thought on “AH

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  1. i think we are ironically similar therapistwise. (i wrote a comment here on my way home in teh subway but i think it got lost) but i seem to have a very similar lament about my therapist. so if misery does love company, here i am. i don’t know what that expression really means but i hope it in some ways means shared experiences even if very sad, some how lend support and help in making things better.

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