Alone

Have I ever said that I feel alone?

Just thinking.

I’m doing okay. Really. There’s just no real stability there. At all. And I want there to be.

It can’t last. And that’s actually okay.

There isn’t anyone who, if I mess up, would be there to help me pick up the pieces.

Did I ever say that I feel alone? It’s not that I feel alone. It’s kinda the reality. Not just kind of. It is. I know it’s a good thing that I actually want it (people) but, doesn’t make a difference.

Eliza

Letter to AH 29th April ’18

Dear AH

I’m going to try and put this down although I’ve no clue how to. As I’ve mentioned, I’m frustrated with you. It’s not that I think you’ve done anything wrong, I actually don’t, yet I’m frustrated. And not really sure how to explain it. I feel like you don’t hear anything I ever say. I know you’ve actually answered that before. With what I think is evident is not even latent. Doesn’t really help to know that. For it goes back to the fact that I feel like I’m talking a different language to most the universe.

Continue reading “Letter to AH 29th April ’18”

Thinking about using

I’m constantly thinking about using painkillers. Less so about self harming, although that to. Often about throwing up, but that doesn’t feel like a need. Using and SH do. I know it’s not, but doesn’t change how it registers. I’m tired of thinking about it so much. I’m tired of constantly distracting. I’m tired of ignoring. I’m tired of acknowledging and moving on. Actually, I don’t acknowledge how much I want it enough.

Continue reading “Thinking about using”

Letter to myself: 23rd April ’18

Dear Eliza

Yeah I know journaling would be a better idea than writing to you. Just breathe. You’re okay. Just breathe. I love you Eliza. I know how much it hurts right now. It’ll pass Eliza. It’ll pass. I don’t know what will be. I think living is just all about waiting for it to pass. But it isn’t. It can’t be. There has to be something more. Something you see in the moments you can just breathe and be with the awesomeness of the world around you. I know you need the answers. I don’t know how to give them to you when you aren’t ready or able to work through it all. I know you need to know how to handle yourself. I don’t know how to teach it to you. I know it all hurts so much right now. I wish I knew how to make it easier. I wish I knew how to do anything at all.

Just breathe Eliza. I don’t know how to make it easier. I do know that it’s not worth messing up at the moment. I do know that however much using or self harming would help right now, it ain’t worth it in the long run. I know that you’re worth more than that. And that even though you think you can’t do it, you can. I know that you will do it. That you’re worth it. You deserve to be okay. You really do. Coz’ life is beautiful. Life can be beautiful. And you’re a part of life. And even if you use, you’ll be okay. Whatever happens, you are okay.

Luv ya,

Eliza

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