I’m frustrated. Because I was listening to this call. And it was frustrating me. Some of it I really relate to. Some of it I agree with. Some of it, I don’t at all. And the people who wrote the ‘book’ believe in it so thoroughly. I hate how people follow like blind sheep.
Something I was telling someone about any 12 step program (if I’d join any, I could join SAA, NA, OA, EDA – is there such a thing as eating disorders unspecified anonymous, or just MLIAMA – my life is a mess anon? SA – there is a suicidal anonymous, SHA/SIA – there is no real self harm 12 step program out there, not sure what else. Oh CoDA of course.) was that she should take what she wants and leave what she wants.
There is plenty I would take. There is also some fundamental principles that I would leave. Somehow what I would leave is more important to me. What would I take? Well, there is a hell of a lot I can relate to from what any addict shares. Especially those who are aware. The reliance on whatever it is. The way whatever you’re using has instead of you controlling it and being what you need, become bigger than you, taking over your life. The escape/control/black and white thinking/perfectionism. I love some of the principles I’ve learned around recovery, around 12 step programmes. I love the point of doing it just for today. I love the point of surrendering, not fighting. I love the idea of living your life on life’s terms.
What don’t I like? The powerlessness. I don’t agree with it. No, I’m not rationalizing. I don’t think I’m in control when it comes to using. There’s just a fine line. That I don’t cross. The line where in a 12 step SIA program, they’d say ‘never pick up a razor coz’ it could trigger you’, whereas I say, I’ve used razors to self harm, I’ve used anything I could to self harm, I could live my life staying away from triggers – not possible – I could just live life, being aware, being honest, and trying to stay safe. Meaning that at times using a razor to shave will be a surefire way to get me fighting cutting. At times it’ll be just shaving. Even if it will get me fighting. Do I have to stay away from using it? No. It’s a choice. Or painkillers. I used painkillers last week, was it this week? a couple of times for pain. I didn’t use more. Did I want to use more than I did prior? Yeah. Though I don’t know if it was a connection. Could it have been? Yeah. I didn’t use more. Is it worth the thought spiral? Yeah, it was. I was in pain and didn’t have to stay in pain.
I don’t agree with the powerlessness. I don’t agree with some other stuff that I can’t think of at the moment. Yet there is all I do agree with. I know some people say you can’t take some and leave some. I disagree. Take what works, leave the rest. That’s my opinion. The call frustrated me, listening to a reading on something I so fundamentally disagree with. I can be in control. Not in a way of fighting. Control may be choosing to know that there is an infinite power that created me, that is more than me, that I can let run my life when I can’t run my life. Control may be listening to what I know, or as the big book phrased it ‘my best thinking got me here’. My best thinking led me to mess my life up enough that suicide was a viable option. My best thinking had me using at the expense of my work. Regardless what it was I was using at the time, I wasn’t present for my students. Sometimes it was stuff I’d read/watched. Sometimes the wondering whether the person I was rp’ing had replied. Sometimes it was using painkillers just before work, clouding my head over. Sometimes it was self harming and having to deal with the result instead of being at work.
My best thinking can bring me from here. My best thinking can help me find a way to live my life and love living life. I’m not powerless. I don’t believe in ‘the light’. I believe in a god that created the universe. I don’t know what I think about this god/infinite power as it’s not something I’ve worked through. I’m too angry at this god for creating me. I believe that we’re here through limit. I believe that there is goodness in the world. I am choosing to believe in myself.
I don’t think I really manage to put what I’m thinking down. But I’m grateful that I could put some of it down. Could put some of it into words. I’m grateful per se. Grateful for the changes, minor ones that aren’t so small, that I see. Grateful that for the most part suicide isn’t one of the options I see as viable. Grateful for journaling, for how much it helps me. Grateful for my friends, even as they annoy me. M’s (friend) and AH’s (therapist) reaction to something I said was the same. Which annoyed me. For their fear is relevant and their fear comes from what I’ve told them, I just wanted to express other stuff entirely and it was positive stuff, and yet they saw the negativity too. I’m grateful that I reached out to someone and told her I want to be in touch with her. I’m grateful that I give to people. I’m grateful that my rabbi asked me for help with something small, that he was okay with asking me. I’m grateful to be in an okay place. I’m grateful that however much it may scare me, however much I don’t deserve to be okay, however much I rather what I know, I’m not wrecking the okayness. I’m grateful that I know, that whatever I do, I will be okay, if I mess my life up, I can always get back up, so long as there is life, there is hope. I’m grateful. And grateful to be grateful.
Ramble over for now.