10th April ’18

On edge.

I don’t want to put down anything but some of this is recovery related and if anyone can relate I’d love to know I’m not alone.

I want to use.

Something I’ve worked through is how the world has come to be. My understanding of a finite world existing is that there has to be Infinity (let’s call infinity N because I means me :) ) somewhere or another to allow a finite world to exist. It has to come from somewhere the world. However it came to be. Whether you believe in The Big Bang – caused by N (otherwise where does the matter come from), Evolution – caused by N (otherwise where does the original cells come from), there has to be an Infinity. We can’t exist aside from that, so we’re part of it, N has to have limited itself. Now, explanations of where I’m coming from aside…..

I was realizing the other day when I wanted to mess up, that you know, I don’t have to know the answers. I decided that I’m not about to try to stop using, for it’s pointless as all that is behind it still remains. Rather deal with what needs to be changed, and then decide what to do. Of course if I don’t mess up meanwhile all the better. So I was realizing the other day that I don’t know how to change anything, but Infinity must know. Even if I don’t know. I can leave it to N to sort out my life. Of course I have to do my part, but when I’m freaking out, I don’t need to, for N is in control.

So before I was going to use. In the past 6 months, I used cocodamol twice last week, other than that I haven’t. And it wasn’t so much. I know the spiral it’ll send me on. I was going to now. And was realizing that you know, I don’t need to, for N is in control.

But, I don’t want N to be I control. I want to be in control. I don’t want to surrender my life. I don’t care how futile everything is. I don’t care how much it messes my life. I don’t care. I just don’t care. Why should I give up what I want to let an infinite power deal with my life? This infinite power created me. N put me in this world. Or even if N didn’t, N is the catalyst through creating the world of me being here. Why would I ever give over control to an infinite power who created me when I don’t want to be here?

So for now, I haven’t yet used. Neither have I written any of the posts I’ve been meaning to. I’m annoyed and frustrated. I was journaling this morning for an hour. And it was interesting what I was journaling. Well interesting as I knew what I was writing, but I was never as clear about it. I’m also annoyed about it. It’s just another thing to add the list of what I want to be different. It’s not even anywhere near the top of the list. It goes right at the bottom. Well, if I ever get to write the list, and the posts explaining each of what I want to write, that is.

I’m annoyed at this infinite power that created me. I’m annoyed at the power that has power. I’m infinitesimally more frustrated that this is the power that has power and whom has control over my life. I want control. Am I seriously meant to give that control over? I don’t care that it’s false control, as an infinite power always will have greater control. I want what I want. And want to lash out at anything in the way.

I can see how much calmer my life is and will be when I can surrender my life, when I don’t need to take care of everything, when I have to do my part but know that N will see to the pieces falling into place. I’m not sure what will be….

So long,


2 thoughts on “10th April ’18

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  1. That was one of the things that I had to deal with in this bout of depression. For so long I was drugging/numbing myself because it was so much easier than dealing with the issues. It was a 20+ long years that I did so. Now I have 90 days sober and although sometimes I get overwhelmed by my emotions but I know that dealing with them, accepting them, means I can get through them. You are not alone in this. There are a lot of us out there.

    1. Thanks Jay-lyn
      I really appreciate hearing that…
      I don’t know that I can ever get through them, especially as now I am anyways messing up, but hopefully one day. Maybe.

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