Using (TW)

I want to use.

It doesn’t help for me to know where it’ll lead. I’ve worked that through. If I use now I’ll still want to. And if I continue to, it’ll just be more, and more. So now I’ll take a couple of codeine’s. Which isn’t anything. Logically too. Later it’ll be more. Then tomorrow it’ll be more. And not only once a day. And then the codeine will be finished. So I’ll use cocodamol. And it will have to be 10 a time. Probably 5 times a day. It’ll get to the point that either it destroys me or I have to stop using. So why go through the hassle? If I start, I’ll have to stop. So why use now? Somehow having done so (nothing, codeine) a couple of days ago makes it way more logical that I just should now. Regardless of knowing the palaver. And I don’t even want to live life behind that cloud. Completely unable to focus on anything but using. And if I destroy myself it may as well be a concerted effort rather than just happen. Somehow knowing this logically doesn’t help. Doesn’t make any difference to the fact that I want to.

So the question isn’t why not. Why yes? Why do I want to? Maybe knowing that will make a difference, for then I can deal with that, instead of using. I don’t know why I want to. It’s always been about the escape, about the control, or about destroying myself. I don’t think it’s about the control. Nor is it about destroying myself (if it were it’d be with cocodamol, and it wouldn’t be a couple. But would follow my plan that I don’t have enough to do yet. Of (edit: deleting the plan from this post.) Is it about the escape? I don’t know. I’ve far better escapes than that. I’m not fighting reading/watching/rp’ing the stuff that sends me spiraling. Nor am I debating self harming. Neither am I trying to throw up or stop eating or binge eat. I don’t know. I don’t know what I want

I’m gonna go and colour now. The stuff I’ve been colouring in the last few weeks have mostly been, well, dark just about describes it. I don’t mean dark as in using black, although that too, but, dark. Not really sure whether I will or won’t end up using codeine. And to be honest, for the moment it doesn’t make a difference. I’m not living then, I’m living right now. Right now I’m not going to. Although I really want to – and still have no clue why. And if I do later (and later can be in a moment when this moment has passed, or in hours, or whatever), then, I’ll have done so then.

Not really sure what’s going to be, or how this will end. I don’t honestly have the strength or energy to give myself what I need. Used to do that through writing to myself, but when I write to myself now I just get distracted constantly. I know how it started. Through taking 3 (codeine) Saturday night to see what’d happen. Actually, through taking it coz’ there was no pause, no time beforehand to think it through (when I thought it through decided not to). I always think about it. But when it’s just been theoretical it stays theoretical and I never thought it’d ever be practical again….. It doesn’t really make a difference what will be. For couldn’t handle that in the present for I’m not there.

Not sure that there’s anything else to say.

Eliza

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