Thinking about using

I’m constantly thinking about using painkillers. Less so about self harming, although that to. Often about throwing up, but that doesn’t feel like a need. Using and SH do. I know it’s not, but doesn’t change how it registers. I’m tired of thinking about it so much. I’m tired of constantly distracting. I’m tired of ignoring. I’m tired of acknowledging and moving on. Actually, I don’t acknowledge how much I want it enough.

Don’t acknowledge it to myself. Would probably help if I did. Help in that, I’ve acknowledged it, so maybe that I won’t need to be heard as much if I know that I’ve heard myself. I hate how I see myself so distinctly, as in 2 such separate parts, 2 or more such real I’s. Yeah, I hate it. Trying to acknowledge what I say. Way to go Eliza. lol. So yeah, I’m constantly thinking about it. And I’m a little tired of the need. I wish I just wouldn’t need it. I just wish it wouldn’t be so. Yet, it is. Although, I haven’t actually bought any in a while. Realized that coz’ was looking up where to buy. I’m always scared at the pharmacy that they’ll ask questions and that I’ll be embarrassed and won’t know what to answer. Not that it matters if that happens, I just won’t be able to go there again (it happened). So I haven’t bought in a while. My definition of a while that is. But my definition really is AGES. In at least 2 weeks. The same 2 weeks that I learned to swallow and have been religiously taking antibiotics morning and night for. I’m not so convinced that I’ll manage to keep that up for 8 weeks, 6 more, but it’ll be more than amazing if I do. It’ll mean I’ll have stuck with something and been consistent about it. Uh, consistency is not my middle name. I find sticking with things tough. I get sidetracked by myself. In case this post isn’t an indication of that fact. So anyways, I was saying…… I don’t want to need it. And I do. And, I guess I’m just frustrated that I do, for I don’t want to. Oh, and what I was saying was that I guess it’s a good thing that I haven’t bought any in my definition of a while, it must be a good thing. Right? Right. I find some of my new styles of writing entertaining to see for they’re new. I wonder if I’ll ever stop thinking about using. I wonder if a full day would pass when I don’t feel like I need to at least once. I wonder, if that day would come, if I would even notice and appreciate it. I hope so :) Although in some ways I hope not, as if I do, notice it that is, it means that using is still on my mind, if I don’t notice it, it’ll mean that it’s so obvious that I wouldn’t think about it. Um, I think that makes sense.

So long,

Eliza

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