Ninety Nine: Get up and win that race

I just saw this poem attributed to Dee Groberg. It’s exactly what I needed to hear at this moment in time.

Get up. And win that race. Life is one of tripping. Stumbling. Falling. We can choose, every single moment in time, whether to say in the mud, or whether to get up – and win that race. Winning isn’t about reaching a finish line. It’s about continuing on. For just another moment in time.

“THE RACE”

“Quit! Give up! You’re beaten!” they shout at me, and plead.
“There’s just too much against you now, this time you can’t succeed.” Continue reading “Ninety Nine: Get up and win that race”

Reblog: 50 reasons to live

Still unsure how to reblog.

I liked this post

The ones I liked best:

3. Another thing everyone says (and everyone says it because they’ve found it to be true, there’s very little chance you are the singular exception) is that they’ve been able to find beauty in their struggle. What began as a challenge because the impetus for finding their purpose. “Without Voldemort, Harry Potter is a very ordinary boy.”

6. Life is full of second chances. “Samuel Jackson struggled with alcoholism and drug addiction early on in his career. It was so detrimental to his ability to act and function, he was replaced in two different Broadway productions. He tried supporting himself by working as a camera stand-in for Bill Cosby on The Cosby Show and performing in random on-stage productions in New York, but he was never fully able to kick his addiction until he was 41. Literally the day after he left rehab, he started work on Spike Lee’s Jungle Fever. He was 46 when he was cast in Pulp Fiction.”

Continue reading “Reblog: 50 reasons to live”

Painkillers – TW

Trigger warning. I won’t be editing my words at all.

I’ve learned to swallow. I learned to swallow in order to take the lymecycline. To be honest, I’d begun to learn to swallow in order to take painkillers, but it wasn’t the same. I wanted to swallow in order to take painkillers as I didn’t want to use the soluble stuff I’ve collected. If I use the soluble stuff I have – can I use it without following through on my plan? My plan to use 50 a day for 2 weeks with no plan for after that. No plan other than to have an extra 300, this 300 could be paracetamol, didn’t have to be cocodamol, for the last night. The 50 a day wouldn’t kill me. The 40 a day never did. 50 a day wouldn’t. Could I take soluble stuff without following through. I’d never know. I never went back to it for it was too great a risk. I used codeine. Swallowed those tiny tablets. Only a few. I broke cocodamol down into tiny pieces. So never took more than 8 in a go of those, and only took it a few times. Maybe 5?

I know I’m interrupting myself. I’ve been thinking through this for nearly 2 weeks. Since I learned to swallow. Didn’t see a point in putting down what I’m thinking here. Still not sure if there’s a point. But now I’m writing to write. And writing is always a point. If AH is correct that a part of me is focused and on task – present – when I write, and I think he is right. He put into words with that what I could never fully explain to people. How I could write things I wasn’t aware I thought/knew. How I could tune into the part of me that believes in me. The part that believes in anything, the part that is distant. Writing isn’t always safe, but it’s certainly safer. And has always been a tool. That I’ve always been grateful for. Not sure why I’m rambling about this ;) but rambling is funner than trying to stay focused, especially as then I actually am more focused in some ways.

So yeah, painkillers. I’ve learned to swallow. I told M what I thought about painkillers. Yeah, I know I haven’t yet written it. Her first reaction – before I told her what I was thinking, had just told her that I’d learned to swallow – was one of fear. AH did the same. Makes me so annoyed. Not sure why as I understand them. And I can’t say it’s something I’ve never thought about. Not being able to swallow has kept me safe. I always used soluble painkillers since I couldn’t swallow. It meant drinking gross, nauseating stuff that I could barely stomach. There wasn’t much of a choice. It also meant a distance. There is so little distance between anything in my life. Between thinking and doing. I’m impulsive by nature. You know the kid who in school will be on the other side of the classroom and then get asked what she’s doing there, and will say, oh. The kid who constantly calls out. The kid whose stuff is all so far fetched, because of all the ideas and thoughts in between but who wouldn’t think to say any of that stuff because it’s just so ‘obvious’. Actually I used to give R my train of thought. She found it entertaining. When I said something random. To hear the 10 steps that took me a microsecond in between her comment and my seemingly unconnected reply. So yeah, I’m impulsive by nature. Besides for being impulsive, I’m often not in tune with what’s going on in my world. Okay, okay, I’m rarely in tune with what goes on in my world. So when I went to do my hair in my sisters room (use her curler) and took her curler out of the plug, and was walking out her room, and was like ‘oh’. And put it back and just didn’t do my hair. But that’s what I mean by no time. Had it been hot in my room I would have been burning myself by the time I realized what I was doing, and even if I would have stopped I’d have sent myself spiraling way more than necessary. So to go back to swallowing, or my inability to swallow. I was always actually grateful for it. Never learned to. And was happy that I didn’t. As it gave space before using painkillers. It meant I had time to think first. More time. It was often when the stuff was already dissolved that I decided not to use it and waste it and throw it away. It always was such a waste to throw it away. Although M laughed at me. When I told her that I had a sheet of codeine with one tablet on it, I either was gonna throw it away or keep the sheet. Keeping a sheet for just one was a waste. Throwing it away was a waste. So used it. It didn’t do anything. Codeine actually never gave me what I wanted. It was only if it was a mixture with paracetamol. I asked her what a ‘normal’ person would have done. She said she knows what they wouldn’t have done – swallowed it instinctively. So that’s why I was grateful that I couldn’t swallow. Coz’ of the distance it always afforded me. The pause it gave me. It was like that with a lot of the stuff I’ve used. Things like giving someone an email address I used to rp, that would take me time to access – break into. It’s possible to break into it. Just that I’d attempt to. And after a while I’d realize what I was doing and be grateful not to do it. Grateful for the pause. Instead of being engaged with something by the time I regret it. So I understand their reaction. It’s because of what I’ve said. That I’ve always been grateful that I didn’t know how to swallow. And why. Yet it annoyed me anyways. I’m not sure what does. I’m freezing when I think about it so not gonna do so now, can’t be bothered for freaking out. I can’t handle people worrying about me.

So I learned to swallow. For good reasons. It’s actually good because I’m taking Vitamin B12 now with capsules. Capsules I can swallow. Not sure how to handle tablets. Only have cocodamol tablets. And only around 90. So to get back to the original purpose of this post, what I was thinking about.

I can swallow. Will I ever use the soluble stuff again? Why should I use the soluble, gross, nauseating stuff when I can swallow? Why would I ever dissolve the stuff? The answer is only because I have so much. So was thinking that maybe I should throw it away. Was thinking quite seriously about it. I think I’ve nixed the idea. But I was still thinking about it. That I don’t need it. It’s that, I don’t need it. Throwing it all away will be giving up my plan. Will be taking away a safety net. However much the safety net has to do with messing up completely. It probably wouldn’t kill me the plan I had in place. But it’s still a plan I had. That throwing it all away would take away. A support that was there. So it was just a thought. Not something I think I’m going to act on. I mean that I don’t think I’ll throw it all away just yet. There was a lot I was thinking about. About the fact that I don’t really need the plan there. I re-read a post I wrote (you can read it here), and, the think I noted most about it was that it was memories. That it brought up a whole lot of memories. Neither positive nor negative. Just factual. It felt distant. It feels distant sometimes. The anger at people who were afraid of suicidality. Although now that I’m distant enough, I probably thought about it way more than I acknowledged at the time. It’s not like I don’t think of suicide. But I don’t think of suicide. I don’t actually see it as a viable option. Which I used to. I don’t really see it as an option. The key word here is that I don’t really see it as an option. There is the part that does. But that’s not as real. So throwing this stuff away would be doing away with the plan. Saying I want to live life. In some ways I feel ready to do that. in some ways I don’t. I don’t think acting on the some ways that do is the right thing to do at the moment, however much it’s so real, and really it makes me feel free the thought of it, because the some ways that don’t, that’ll just enter complete freak out mode, and I’m not sure where that will lead to, and I don’t have any real support in real life, so I don’t think it’d be the safest. But I like the fact that I actually do feel ready to throw it away. Even if the parts that don’t feel like it has to and it safest not to. I like that I’ve thought about it.

So that’s my thoughts on painkillers at the moment. I’ve learned to swallow. Do I need the soluble stuff I have? Do I need the plan in place? I don’t have enough for the plan, you know. With the 100 non-soluble I have, and with the paracetamol capsules I have, I probably actually do have enough, but, I also learned that nothing would ever be enough. I don’t need the plan in the same way. Yet, I don’t know that all of me is ready to throw it away. It’s just something was thinking of. And that I spent half an hour rambling about. Well, I rambled about nothing too :)

Actually gotta run. Get ready to go out and help set up somewhere that I don’t know if I’m needed and nervous for as will be at the door and hate being centre of attention. Face the fear and do it anyways has always been a motto. And the person who asked me to help is not someone I’d ever say no to. I’m grateful that he asked. Grateful that I can help.

So long,

Eliza

I want to believe – somehow

I’ve been looking through some old things…

I wrote this about a year ago.

I want to believe in hope
Somehow
I want to believe in me
Somehow
I want to believe it’s possible
Somehow
I want to believe we can do it
Somehow
I want to believe in life
Somehow
I want to believe in joy
Somehow
I want to believe in meaning
Somehow
I want to believe in living
Somehow
I want to believe in choice
Somehow
I want to believe in second chances
Somehow
I want to believe in courage
Somehow
I want to believe in strength
Somehow
I want to believe in power
Somehow
I want to believe.
Somehow
I want to believe.
I want to believe in me
Somehow
We can do it.
Together.
Forever
We can do it.
One step only
At a time.
I want to believe in another side.
Somehow.
We can do it.
Together
Forever
We can do it
One moment. Only.
At a time
I want to believe in possibility
Somehow
I want to believe
That we can give
Life a go
That it can be
Worth it
That we can get
To another side
A side of living
Life on life’s terms
A side of living
Just living. Being
A side of living
Without escaping
A side of living
Without controlling
A side of living
Without giving up
A side of living
Of believing
A side of living
I want to believe it’s possible
Somehow
We can do it
Together
Forever
We can do it.
One step only
At a time.
I want to believe in another side.
Somehow.
We can do it.
Together
Forever
We can do it
One moment. Only.
At a time
A side of living
A side of living
Giving life
A go
A side of living
A side of living
We can do it
One step
One moment
Together
We can do it.

Letter to myself: 10th April ’18

Dear Eliza

Just breathe. Ever heard that one before? Just breathe? But yeah, just breathe. Coz’, you’re okay. Coz’ you will be okay. You ask will you ever get there? That depends what the there is. If the there is a destination, well, I don’t know if you’ll ever get there. If the there is the journey, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is being okay living this journey, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you won’t hate being here, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll change and handle what you want different, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to calm yourself down, which you can’t do at the moment, then yes, you’ll get there. You’ll be able to calm yourself down. If the there is the ability to stay with what is when it’s all too much, then yes, you’ll get there. You’ll be able to stay with what is. If the there is the ability to acknowledge what’s going on for you in a way that helps, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be aware of what’s going on for you, then yes, one day you’ll be aware of what’s going on. If the there is that you’ll stay present without tuning out or cutting off, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll know what to do about whatever is going on for you, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be okay with the struggle, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to work through what you think/believe without freaking out, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll know what you want, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll believe that you’re worth it, and deserve to live and be okay, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to reach out to others without turning them away at the same time, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll learn what your boundaries are, then yes you’ll get there. If through that you’ll learn what boundaries are for others, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll believe you’re worthy of existing on your own, irrespective of anyone else, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to keep to your boundaries without crossing them or letting others cross them, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be okay with touch, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll know what you believe and be able to live with it, then yes you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to do whatever you want taking what matters into account and not what or who doesn’t, then yes you’ll get there. If the there is all of the above, then yes, you’ll get there. Even if you get there, wherever the there is, it’s still a journey, just hopefully a journey you can be okay living with or on. Hopefully a journey when it’s not too much all the damn time. I’m sorry it’s so hard at the moment. Love you. I believe in you. I believe that you can give yourself what you need, even if not today. I believe that everyone does not come before you. I believe that you’re allowed to be okay. I believe that you aren’t taking away from the world and people around you by existing. Luv ya….

Eliza

The World…..

The world
Filled
With colour
Noise
People
The world
Intensity
Alive
Vibrating
The world
Pulsating
For me
The world
The setting
Registers
On high
Colours too bright
Noise too loud
People too much
The world
Too intense
The world
A world
I want
To be part of
Colours
Life
I want
To be mine
Yet
It’s too much
I want it all
To register
Lower
On the radar
But
It’s either
All or none
I can live
In the world
Or cut off
I want
Bother
But both
Can’t
Coexist.