17th April ’18

I want to put this down, although don’t have the head to at the moment. At all. I know if I don’t now I probably never will.

Just finished watching a movie.

Spoke to AH before. Not sure why but I completely freaked out. I’m actually pretty proud of myself. For I didn’t just hang up. Actually, if I’d just hung up, come to think of it, he’d have thought it was to do with him. It never does. I saw something interesting too. I didn’t tune out. Yeah, at some point I did, but, however much I tuned out, I was present. I was thinking how frustrating it was that I wasn’t present in the world. I realized tonight that I actually am present. Yeah, I still do tune out, but I’m present. And though I don’t like being present for this, I appreciate that I’m ‘here’. I asked him to talk to me. He didn’t understand it. Eventually he listened to me and did just talk. Although he felt foolish for it. It really did help. I actually felt bad for him. For he had no clue what was going on. And, I didn’t have the way to tell him that I was in full freak out mode. When he asked me to tell him what was going on it was after he’d spoken for a bit. I wrote him an email. Then cut off most of it, keeping in the part where I said that I’d been thinking that if I had a red card I would have flashed it. It’s strange. He was saying how articulate I can be at times. I can at times. I don’t think anything I write now is going to be making any sense. I’m proud of myself. For staying on skype. For staying with it. For doing what I could to tell him, even if it was way too quiet for him to hear and just didn’t have the strength to repeat myself.

He asked me what would be when he put down. I answered although he didn’t hear. Had a shower, put on a wash, and put on a movie. When I freak out I have to just get busy doing stuff. I don’t really know how to change it, and that doesn’t, but, it’s okay. And in reality, I guess I never used to deal with it, for I’d just cut off. It’s strange how words mean such different things to different people. B cut off I mean that some parts would still be freaking out, but it’d be, distant. Sometimes it’d be like I’m watching it. Sometimes it’d be, and this is something I absolutely hate when it happens, sometimes when I’m freaking and sit down to journal and after 2 sentences it’s just too much, probably coz’ sometimes journaling really helps me to calm down, and sometimes engaging with it probably isn’t the best idea, but I’ve no clue of knowing ever what is what. Then when I sit down to journal after 2 sentences I’m jsut, not there. Dunno how to put it differently. And I hate it. I really do. And I could be still in frozen mode, but not really present. And today I was present. I am present. So although I hate what happened, and I especially hate it coz’ feel way too vulnerable at the moment And I’m surprised that he handled it okay. He was thrown in the deep end. Coz’ yeah I’ve freaked out on AH plenty of times. He’s never known it though. And I’d always cut off from it. So I’d be freaking out, but just wouldn’t be present. He actually dealt with it. The only thing he could have done differently, which he couldn’t have as he didn’t know, was when I told him to just talk, he should’ve just spoken. He thought I just wanted the silence filled. it wasn’t about that. It was too. But more coz’ I couldn’t handle the silence. And the longer the silence the more I couldn’t handle it. And he was putting his foot in it. A lot. I guess I feel a bit bad for him (well, I usually always do, so nothing new there). Though yeah, I guess I’m proud of myself too. And it’s strange. Dunno what will happen when meant to speak next week. Feeling extremely vulnerable. For, he saw me in freak out mode. And, I let him. And that’s not safe.

Gonna try to sleep. I know I likely won’t, but hey, you never know.

I hope that none of this is too incomprehensible, or spelled too horrendously. Don’t have the headspace to make anything make sense at the moment.

‘night world.

Eliza

Letter to myself: 10th April ’18

Dear Eliza

Just breathe. Ever heard that one before? Just breathe? But yeah, just breathe. Coz’, you’re okay. Coz’ you will be okay. You ask will you ever get there? That depends what the there is. If the there is a destination, well, I don’t know if you’ll ever get there. If the there is the journey, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is being okay living this journey, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you won’t hate being here, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll change and handle what you want different, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to calm yourself down, which you can’t do at the moment, then yes, you’ll get there. You’ll be able to calm yourself down. If the there is the ability to stay with what is when it’s all too much, then yes, you’ll get there. You’ll be able to stay with what is. If the there is the ability to acknowledge what’s going on for you in a way that helps, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be aware of what’s going on for you, then yes, one day you’ll be aware of what’s going on. If the there is that you’ll stay present without tuning out or cutting off, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll know what to do about whatever is going on for you, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be okay with the struggle, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to work through what you think/believe without freaking out, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll know what you want, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll believe that you’re worth it, and deserve to live and be okay, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to reach out to others without turning them away at the same time, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll learn what your boundaries are, then yes you’ll get there. If through that you’ll learn what boundaries are for others, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll believe you’re worthy of existing on your own, irrespective of anyone else, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to keep to your boundaries without crossing them or letting others cross them, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be okay with touch, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll know what you believe and be able to live with it, then yes you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to do whatever you want taking what matters into account and not what or who doesn’t, then yes you’ll get there. If the there is all of the above, then yes, you’ll get there. Even if you get there, wherever the there is, it’s still a journey, just hopefully a journey you can be okay living with or on. Hopefully a journey when it’s not too much all the damn time. I’m sorry it’s so hard at the moment. Love you. I believe in you. I believe that you can give yourself what you need, even if not today. I believe that everyone does not come before you. I believe that you’re allowed to be okay. I believe that you aren’t taking away from the world and people around you by existing. Luv ya….

Eliza

The World…..

The world
Filled
With colour
Noise
People
The world
Intensity
Alive
Vibrating
The world
Pulsating
For me
The world
The setting
Registers
On high
Colours too bright
Noise too loud
People too much
The world
Too intense
The world
A world
I want
To be part of
Colours
Life
I want
To be mine
Yet
It’s too much
I want it all
To register
Lower
On the radar
But
It’s either
All or none
I can live
In the world
Or cut off
I want
Bother
But both
Can’t
Coexist.

Change

I wasn’t sure whether to post this as a reason, so I’m linking my previous reason here http://elizareasonstolive.com/sixty-two-change/

Change.
I’m scared of change. I hate change. I want what I know.
All is good. It’s interesting, for according to AH, what I wrote (I sent him a link to what I wrote elizareasonstolive.com/letter-to-myself-25th-march-18/) he replied that it’s cautiously optimistic. I would have said freaking awesome lol. So yeah it’s good. Not necessarily always easy. The good comes with what’s hard. It’s good. Change. Life changes. I don’t want change. I hate change. I’m scared of change. Did I say this all already? I want what I know… what I know is familiar to me. I know how to handle everything. I know what to expect. I know what happens. I know, for example. that if I’d go enter an email account that I don’t have access to, that I wonder if I can hack into, I’ll rp, I’ll feel guilty and confused. I’ll hate myself. And want more. I won’t consider rp’ing through words enough. Unless I listen to what I’m told. In which case it would be pictures/camming too. It’d have to be. It’d have to be complete. Instant. Which it won’t necessarily be. I’ll be obsessing. Constantly checking for replies. Trying to get what can never be enough. I know what happens if I rp. I know what happens if I watch bdsm/abdl. It’ll actually lead to me fighting self harming. Though when I want to self harm I’ll wonder why I want to and think it has nothing to do with what I watched. I know what happens when. I know what to expect. Did I say that I hate change yet? I think hate isn’t strong enough. Abhor fits it better. Despise. Did I say that I’m scared of change? I think scared is wrong. Terrified. Freaking petrified. Change. Life changes in a good way. I’m okay. I’m not used to it. I wonder actually if that had anything to do with messing with the codeine I found. My friend laughed when I told her I had a sheet with one so automatically took it instead of throwing it out when it’d be a waste. I asked her what someone who wasn’t me would do… she said throw it out. Or keep the sheet with just one for when it was needed. I was trying to clean my room so was clearing up. But it isn’t the same as it used to be. For if I’d take one it’d have to have been more. I’m doing things I couldn’t in the past. Things that would mean I’d use (like blowdrying or curling my hair) so I didn’t do or only did with people around me, and even then it let to wanting to burn, or actually doing so, which it doesn’t mean now. It doesn’t mean I don’t mess up or struggle at all. It’s actually probably better this way. That it’s not all hunky dory. For then there’d have to be a major drop. As I said, I feel like I’ve fallen off a cliff and I have no clue what lies at the bottom. Well, there are rocks there too. I can direct myself there. There’s the cliff face I can push myself onto. There’s the familiar, the known, that however much it hurts, I know it. I know what to expect. I’m scared of change. Terrified of it. I abhor it. Despise it. Change frightens me. For I don’t know what will be. I am living in the moment. Just living with what is. Appreciating it and am oh so grateful for it. I’m still not getting sleep. The days, the world, is way too intense for me. And I know that the world is way more intense than I’m experiencing it right now. I’m living in a world of colour, but it’s muted colour. It’s scary to realize that it gets way more intense than this, when I don’t yet know that I can get to grips with this. I’m trying to give myself time and space. Trying to spend time with people too. Trying to get out every day. Have to still go out today, been in the kitchen most the day. I got my niece to fall asleep on me. It brought with it a mix of emotions. That’s change too. I never would know what I felt. I may not really know now. But I know it’s kind of, I want that. I want my own kids. Yet, I can’t. I’m not there yet. Any relationship I have to have I wreck. I’ve done it always. And nearly wrecking it with AH, showed me just how much needs to be different before I can date the kind of person I want to. I’d never want to marry a guy who would put up what I’d do to him now (best part is that it’s unintentional. I don’t try to push away anyone who I want to be in my life. I just do.) Besides that I don’t know what I want from a guy. There’s change too. I worked it out with AH. I’m on speaking terms with him. I’m scared of change. Yet I’m grateful for it. They’re both true. I want to go back to what I know. I want to stay with the new and see where life takes me. Both true. That hasn’t yet changed. The contradictions in every single aspect of life. I wonder if it ever will. Unify itself. If I’ll ever live without the duality, without being pulled, constantly, in two opposing directions. So yeah, change. I hate change. I’m not sure how often to say that. It just needs the emphasis. Yet, I’m okay with it. I hope I stay okay enough with it to stay with it. Not to wreck it in order to go back to what I know. For now it’s about this moment in time. It’s about living in the present (which with the film that is still there it’s hard to do). It’s about choosing the right thing. Trying to acknowledge and accept what I want. And live with it. So yeah I don’t want to see what can be as I’m scared. And that’s okay. I’m scared. And it’s okay to be scared. Doesn’t mean I have to do anything about it.

So long,

Eliza

Letter to myself: 25th March ’18

It’s been a while

Dear Eliza

It feels like an age since I’ve last really written to you. Tuned into it. You’re worth it Eliza. The world a’spins. Life a’spins. Your mind a’spins. What does a’spins mean, exactly? Spinning, spinning, spinning, round and round without stop. I’m proud of you Eliza. You’ve really gotten so far. I know you don’t see it. I know you’re scared of it. Scared to see it. Scared you’re gonna fail. Scared that it’s all a mirage. You’re doing okay Eliza. I know it’s hard. Sometimes it seems tougher than it ever has. And it’s weird, for it’s so hard, but it can’t really be harder than it was, for then you were fighting ending life, and now you aren’t. Yet, it is. It’s a different kind of hard. It’s a different kind of struggle. That’s what I mean Eliza. That you’ve come far. You’re not struggling with the same things. Yeah you think about death. Yet you want to live. Yeah you think about messing up. Yet you don’t want to enter that spiral. Using is a mirage too. It seems so glamorous. It seems like it’ll solve everything. Yet it doesn’t. For life is different. When you’ve learned how to type at 70WPM, typing at 30WPM is no longer fast, and no longer gives you the excitement it used to. When you’ve dealt with life by living it, even though not coping with it, using any of the tools you used to handle it won’t help for they don’t handle the now which is different to the past.

I love you Eliza. I don’t know what will be. I don’t know how you’ll get there. I don’t know where the there even is. I do know that you’ll do it.

I think your analogy is pretty apt. The one where you were saying how you felt at the moment. Like you’ve fallen off a cliff and you have no clue what is the at the bottom and you don’t know how to position yourself to land, or how far landing even is.

I love the quote you saw today. When you fall off a cliff it’s so you can learn to fly. What do those wings look like? Are they pretty? Are they strong? What colour are they? What design do these wings have?

You’re special Eliza. You’ll get there. You’re worth it. I don’t know what this there looks like. You don’t need to know what it looks like. It’s the journey that’s the there. The being okay with living this journey. The serenity of knowing that you can do it. That you don’t have to get off the train. That you’re strong enough to live through this life. It won’t always be easy Eliza. I don’t know when it ever has been easy. I don’t know if it ever will be. I know that sometimes it’ll be fun. I know that it’ll be filled with colour. You’ve been robbed of these colours for so long. The world is filled with colour. Sometimes it just seems dark. But the darkness is colour. And the intensity of it all gets overwhelming. When it gets ‘too much’ instead of just being pretty. When you want to rob the world of it’s colour again. Take it back to the washed out version you’re used to living with. Where you know what everything is. Instead of this vibrancy that you don’t recognize. And then you miss the beauty. And wish you could get it back. It is beautiful Eliza. This world. Life is beautiful. All of it. The train ride. Of life. One day, you’ll love being on the train.

And Eliza, it’s okay. It picks up speed. It slows down. It travels through tunnels. over bridges. By water. Through vast empty fields. Fields of colour. Fields dead by drought. Butterflies flying. Moths flying. The world is filled with beauty. Blackness is stunning too. Is strength. Serenity. When it’s a backdrop. When it’s not everything. When you know that the tunnel takes you to the lake.

Love you ‘liza.

Eliza

Too much

The world is so overwhelming and just registers on my radar as ‘too much’. Always. I know not everyone knows what those words mean. It means that something, everything, nothing, is too intense for me and I’m way overwhelmed. Like trying to shower, but instead of a shower, Continue reading “Too much”