Reblog: What depression feels like

I saw this article here written in response to the death of Anthony Bourdain. I loved the description it gave, because it’s just so real, so relatable, and can describe all of life, what living in my world or the world of so many people I love, even without depression, but with anything else, is like.

When you have depression it’s like it snows every day.

Some days it’s only a couple of inches. It’s a pain in the a**, but you still make it to work, the grocery store. Sure, maybe you skip the gym or your friend’s birthday party, but it IS still snowing and who knows how bad it might get tonight. Probably better to just head home. Continue reading “Reblog: What depression feels like”

Ninety Nine: Get up and win that race

I just saw this poem attributed to Dee Groberg. It’s exactly what I needed to hear at this moment in time.

Get up. And win that race. Life is one of tripping. Stumbling. Falling. We can choose, every single moment in time, whether to say in the mud, or whether to get up – and win that race. Winning isn’t about reaching a finish line. It’s about continuing on. For just another moment in time.

“THE RACE”

“Quit! Give up! You’re beaten!” they shout at me, and plead.
“There’s just too much against you now, this time you can’t succeed.” Continue reading “Ninety Nine: Get up and win that race”

Ninety Eight: Sandcastles and life

This awesome post was written by F on SF

Life is a sand castle built on the beach. At some point the water will come in and your sand castle will crumble and cease to exist, but until then we’re given a shovel and a bucket – it’s implied that we’re supposed to build up our castle so we’ll be happy with what we created by the time it’s washed away because that’s what everyone else is doing. Continue reading “Ninety Eight: Sandcastles and life”

Ninety Seven: Stating what I want

I had a different ninety seventh reason originally – shoes. I just haven’t had the time to write it up. And a ninety eighth reason – some cool stuff I saw. This would probably be the ninety ninth. Wahoo!!!!! I’m really near ONE HUNDRED.

Anyways, for this reason. Stating what I want. Asking for what I want. Being clear about what I want. Asserting myself. Whatever the words that you use are.

I had an appointment with my GP today. I wanted him to check my hormonal levels because I think they may not be right. In the past, I’ve mentioned that my monthly cycle is different to the past. Well, today I told him I wanted him to check it, and actually told him why. Actually explained what is going on, how it’s different to how it used to be, and how I think it’s abnormal. He took a blood test then and there.

So today I asserted myself. I was able to actually say what I want, why I want it, and get it done. It’s not something I’ve ever been able to do. It isn’t something I realized I didn’t do. I actually realized I was doing this recently, but I didn’t realize that I’m doing it everywhere. I was able to explain respectfully – in writing – to AH what I was bothered by. Wrote him a letter. Emailed him. He didn’t understand it. Hasn’t understood it. I know though that it’s his issue (because every other person reading what I write, and I discussed it last night with someone, understood what I wanted and meant; what I want is actually nothing major at all.. I’m pretty unsure what he hasn’t gotten).

Actually, come to think of it, I did the same thing when I asked someone if they were available to discuss something with me. And when I texted someone that I’d love to be in touch with them (which I’m not, because I initiated contact, if they’re happy to be in touch, they will be).

It’s pretty awesome. To be able to say what I want and get it (when I’m aware that I’m allowed to want anything ;) )

So long, (as long as there’s life, there’s hope)

Eliza

Painkillers – TW

Trigger warning. I won’t be editing my words at all.

I’ve learned to swallow. I learned to swallow in order to take the lymecycline. To be honest, I’d begun to learn to swallow in order to take painkillers, but it wasn’t the same. I wanted to swallow in order to take painkillers as I didn’t want to use the soluble stuff I’ve collected. If I use the soluble stuff I have – can I use it without following through on my plan? My plan to use 50 a day for 2 weeks with no plan for after that. No plan other than to have an extra 300, this 300 could be paracetamol, didn’t have to be cocodamol, for the last night. The 50 a day wouldn’t kill me. The 40 a day never did. 50 a day wouldn’t. Could I take soluble stuff without following through. I’d never know. I never went back to it for it was too great a risk. I used codeine. Swallowed those tiny tablets. Only a few. I broke cocodamol down into tiny pieces. So never took more than 8 in a go of those, and only took it a few times. Maybe 5?

I know I’m interrupting myself. I’ve been thinking through this for nearly 2 weeks. Since I learned to swallow. Didn’t see a point in putting down what I’m thinking here. Still not sure if there’s a point. But now I’m writing to write. And writing is always a point. If AH is correct that a part of me is focused and on task – present – when I write, and I think he is right. He put into words with that what I could never fully explain to people. How I could write things I wasn’t aware I thought/knew. How I could tune into the part of me that believes in me. The part that believes in anything, the part that is distant. Writing isn’t always safe, but it’s certainly safer. And has always been a tool. That I’ve always been grateful for. Not sure why I’m rambling about this ;) but rambling is funner than trying to stay focused, especially as then I actually am more focused in some ways.

So yeah, painkillers. I’ve learned to swallow. I told M what I thought about painkillers. Yeah, I know I haven’t yet written it. Her first reaction – before I told her what I was thinking, had just told her that I’d learned to swallow – was one of fear. AH did the same. Makes me so annoyed. Not sure why as I understand them. And I can’t say it’s something I’ve never thought about. Not being able to swallow has kept me safe. I always used soluble painkillers since I couldn’t swallow. It meant drinking gross, nauseating stuff that I could barely stomach. There wasn’t much of a choice. It also meant a distance. There is so little distance between anything in my life. Between thinking and doing. I’m impulsive by nature. You know the kid who in school will be on the other side of the classroom and then get asked what she’s doing there, and will say, oh. The kid who constantly calls out. The kid whose stuff is all so far fetched, because of all the ideas and thoughts in between but who wouldn’t think to say any of that stuff because it’s just so ‘obvious’. Actually I used to give R my train of thought. She found it entertaining. When I said something random. To hear the 10 steps that took me a microsecond in between her comment and my seemingly unconnected reply. So yeah, I’m impulsive by nature. Besides for being impulsive, I’m often not in tune with what’s going on in my world. Okay, okay, I’m rarely in tune with what goes on in my world. So when I went to do my hair in my sisters room (use her curler) and took her curler out of the plug, and was walking out her room, and was like ‘oh’. And put it back and just didn’t do my hair. But that’s what I mean by no time. Had it been hot in my room I would have been burning myself by the time I realized what I was doing, and even if I would have stopped I’d have sent myself spiraling way more than necessary. So to go back to swallowing, or my inability to swallow. I was always actually grateful for it. Never learned to. And was happy that I didn’t. As it gave space before using painkillers. It meant I had time to think first. More time. It was often when the stuff was already dissolved that I decided not to use it and waste it and throw it away. It always was such a waste to throw it away. Although M laughed at me. When I told her that I had a sheet of codeine with one tablet on it, I either was gonna throw it away or keep the sheet. Keeping a sheet for just one was a waste. Throwing it away was a waste. So used it. It didn’t do anything. Codeine actually never gave me what I wanted. It was only if it was a mixture with paracetamol. I asked her what a ‘normal’ person would have done. She said she knows what they wouldn’t have done – swallowed it instinctively. So that’s why I was grateful that I couldn’t swallow. Coz’ of the distance it always afforded me. The pause it gave me. It was like that with a lot of the stuff I’ve used. Things like giving someone an email address I used to rp, that would take me time to access – break into. It’s possible to break into it. Just that I’d attempt to. And after a while I’d realize what I was doing and be grateful not to do it. Grateful for the pause. Instead of being engaged with something by the time I regret it. So I understand their reaction. It’s because of what I’ve said. That I’ve always been grateful that I didn’t know how to swallow. And why. Yet it annoyed me anyways. I’m not sure what does. I’m freezing when I think about it so not gonna do so now, can’t be bothered for freaking out. I can’t handle people worrying about me.

So I learned to swallow. For good reasons. It’s actually good because I’m taking Vitamin B12 now with capsules. Capsules I can swallow. Not sure how to handle tablets. Only have cocodamol tablets. And only around 90. So to get back to the original purpose of this post, what I was thinking about.

I can swallow. Will I ever use the soluble stuff again? Why should I use the soluble, gross, nauseating stuff when I can swallow? Why would I ever dissolve the stuff? The answer is only because I have so much. So was thinking that maybe I should throw it away. Was thinking quite seriously about it. I think I’ve nixed the idea. But I was still thinking about it. That I don’t need it. It’s that, I don’t need it. Throwing it all away will be giving up my plan. Will be taking away a safety net. However much the safety net has to do with messing up completely. It probably wouldn’t kill me the plan I had in place. But it’s still a plan I had. That throwing it all away would take away. A support that was there. So it was just a thought. Not something I think I’m going to act on. I mean that I don’t think I’ll throw it all away just yet. There was a lot I was thinking about. About the fact that I don’t really need the plan there. I re-read a post I wrote (you can read it here), and, the think I noted most about it was that it was memories. That it brought up a whole lot of memories. Neither positive nor negative. Just factual. It felt distant. It feels distant sometimes. The anger at people who were afraid of suicidality. Although now that I’m distant enough, I probably thought about it way more than I acknowledged at the time. It’s not like I don’t think of suicide. But I don’t think of suicide. I don’t actually see it as a viable option. Which I used to. I don’t really see it as an option. The key word here is that I don’t really see it as an option. There is the part that does. But that’s not as real. So throwing this stuff away would be doing away with the plan. Saying I want to live life. In some ways I feel ready to do that. in some ways I don’t. I don’t think acting on the some ways that do is the right thing to do at the moment, however much it’s so real, and really it makes me feel free the thought of it, because the some ways that don’t, that’ll just enter complete freak out mode, and I’m not sure where that will lead to, and I don’t have any real support in real life, so I don’t think it’d be the safest. But I like the fact that I actually do feel ready to throw it away. Even if the parts that don’t feel like it has to and it safest not to. I like that I’ve thought about it.

So that’s my thoughts on painkillers at the moment. I’ve learned to swallow. Do I need the soluble stuff I have? Do I need the plan in place? I don’t have enough for the plan, you know. With the 100 non-soluble I have, and with the paracetamol capsules I have, I probably actually do have enough, but, I also learned that nothing would ever be enough. I don’t need the plan in the same way. Yet, I don’t know that all of me is ready to throw it away. It’s just something was thinking of. And that I spent half an hour rambling about. Well, I rambled about nothing too :)

Actually gotta run. Get ready to go out and help set up somewhere that I don’t know if I’m needed and nervous for as will be at the door and hate being centre of attention. Face the fear and do it anyways has always been a motto. And the person who asked me to help is not someone I’d ever say no to. I’m grateful that he asked. Grateful that I can help.

So long,

Eliza

3 Day Quote Challenge – Day 2

Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
  • Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
  • Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.

Thank you Anita!

My quote for today

My past does not define me.

I’ve messed up in my life. I’ve used food – eating too much, throwing up, not eating at all. Self harm. Painkillers. And some other things. I’ve scars. The first time I wrote this quote was actually using henna tattoo. I covered my thigh with it and took a picture. I don’t quite remember why I did that, I think because I wanted to believe it. Now I actually don’t define myself by what I do or don’t do. At all. I can’t say I never think of it, but it’s not usually an issue. It’s just, a part of my life. If I’m messing up at the time. That’s a part of my life. If I’m not, it’s a part of my story. And hey, you know, I’ve an entire life to live. That’s just a part.

There’s another quote that reminds me of this that I’d want to use. I can’t remember the words, but basically, I can look at my scars, and choose what I see them as. I can choose to see them as failure. I can choose to see them as victory.

Your past does not define you. My past does not define me. The only person who defines me is myself.

Come join the challenge (if you’re interested ;) – I don’t know if you do these or not…)

Fight to become
Sara
Beckie

Eliza

Just for today

Today is a new day.
Just for today I want to enjoy the day.
Just for today I want to stay with the reality
Just for today I want to know that however hard it gets, it will pass
Just for today I will know that I’m not alone, god is with me
Just for today I will try not to mess up in order to fight that
Just for today I’ll believe in myself
Just for today I’ll believe in possibility
Just for today I’ll believe in those who believe in me when I don’t believe in myself
Just for today I’ll try stay in the present, stay present, and just breathe
Just for today I’ll try accept my best as my best

I’d love to hear yours :)

Eliza