Ninety Nine: Get up and win that race

I just saw this poem attributed to Dee Groberg. It’s exactly what I needed to hear at this moment in time.

Get up. And win that race. Life is one of tripping. Stumbling. Falling. We can choose, every single moment in time, whether to say in the mud, or whether to get up – and win that race. Winning isn’t about reaching a finish line. It’s about continuing on. For just another moment in time.

“THE RACE”

“Quit! Give up! You’re beaten!” they shout at me, and plead.
“There’s just too much against you now, this time you can’t succeed.” Continue reading “Ninety Nine: Get up and win that race”

Ninety Seven: Stating what I want

I had a different ninety seventh reason originally – shoes. I just haven’t had the time to write it up. And a ninety eighth reason – some cool stuff I saw. This would probably be the ninety ninth. Wahoo!!!!! I’m really near ONE HUNDRED.

Anyways, for this reason. Stating what I want. Asking for what I want. Being clear about what I want. Asserting myself. Whatever the words that you use are.

I had an appointment with my GP today. I wanted him to check my hormonal levels because I think they may not be right. In the past, I’ve mentioned that my monthly cycle is different to the past. Well, today I told him I wanted him to check it, and actually told him why. Actually explained what is going on, how it’s different to how it used to be, and how I think it’s abnormal. He took a blood test then and there.

So today I asserted myself. I was able to actually say what I want, why I want it, and get it done. It’s not something I’ve ever been able to do. It isn’t something I realized I didn’t do. I actually realized I was doing this recently, but I didn’t realize that I’m doing it everywhere. I was able to explain respectfully – in writing – to AH what I was bothered by. Wrote him a letter. Emailed him. He didn’t understand it. Hasn’t understood it. I know though that it’s his issue (because every other person reading what I write, and I discussed it last night with someone, understood what I wanted and meant; what I want is actually nothing major at all.. I’m pretty unsure what he hasn’t gotten).

Actually, come to think of it, I did the same thing when I asked someone if they were available to discuss something with me. And when I texted someone that I’d love to be in touch with them (which I’m not, because I initiated contact, if they’re happy to be in touch, they will be).

It’s pretty awesome. To be able to say what I want and get it (when I’m aware that I’m allowed to want anything ;) )

So long, (as long as there’s life, there’s hope)

Eliza

Thinking about using

I’m constantly thinking about using painkillers. Less so about self harming, although that to. Often about throwing up, but that doesn’t feel like a need. Using and SH do. I know it’s not, but doesn’t change how it registers. I’m tired of thinking about it so much. I’m tired of constantly distracting. I’m tired of ignoring. I’m tired of acknowledging and moving on. Actually, I don’t acknowledge how much I want it enough.

Continue reading “Thinking about using”

12 step call I listened to

I’m frustrated. Because I was listening to this call. And it was frustrating me. Some of it I really relate to. Some of it I agree with. Some of it, I don’t at all. And the people who wrote the ‘book’ believe in it so thoroughly. I hate how people follow like blind sheep.

Something I was telling someone about any 12 step program (if I’d join any, I could join SAA, NA, OA, EDA – is there such a thing as eating disorders unspecified anonymous, or just MLIAMA – my life is a mess anon? SA – there is a suicidal anonymous, SHA/SIA – there is no real self harm 12 step program out there, not sure what else. Oh CoDA of course.) was that she should take what she wants and leave what she wants.

There is plenty I would take. There is also some fundamental principles that I would leave. Somehow what I would leave is more important to me. What would I take? Well, there is a hell of a lot I can relate to from what any addict shares. Especially those who are aware. The reliance on whatever it is. The way whatever you’re using has instead of you controlling it and being what you need, become bigger than you, taking over your life. The escape/control/black and white thinking/perfectionism. I love some of the principles I’ve learned around recovery, around 12 step programmes. I love the point of doing it just for today. I love the point of surrendering, not fighting. I love the idea of living your life on life’s terms.

What don’t I like? The powerlessness. I don’t agree with it. No, I’m not rationalizing. I don’t think I’m in control when it comes to using. There’s just a fine line. That I don’t cross. The line where in a 12 step SIA program, they’d say ‘never pick up a razor coz’ it could trigger you’, whereas I say, I’ve used razors to self harm, I’ve used anything I could to self harm, I could live my life staying away from triggers – not possible – I could just live life, being aware, being honest, and trying to stay safe. Meaning that at times using a razor to shave will be a surefire way to get me fighting cutting. At times it’ll be just shaving. Even if it will get me fighting. Do I have to stay away from using it? No. It’s a choice. Or painkillers. I used painkillers last week, was it this week? a couple of times for pain. I didn’t use more. Did I want to use more than I did prior? Yeah. Though I don’t know if it was a connection. Could it have been? Yeah. I didn’t use more. Is it worth the thought spiral? Yeah, it was. I was in pain and didn’t have to stay in pain.

I don’t agree with the powerlessness. I don’t agree with some other stuff that I can’t think of at the moment. Yet there is all I do agree with. I know some people say you can’t take some and leave some. I disagree. Take what works, leave the rest. That’s my opinion. The call frustrated me, listening to a reading on something I so fundamentally disagree with. I can be in control. Not in a way of fighting. Control may be choosing to know that there is an infinite power that created me, that is more than me, that I can let run my life when I can’t run my life. Control may be listening to what I know, or as the big book phrased it ‘my best thinking got me here’. My best thinking led me to mess my life up enough that suicide was a viable option. My best thinking had me using at the expense of my work. Regardless what it was I was using at the time, I wasn’t present for my students. Sometimes it was stuff I’d read/watched. Sometimes the wondering whether the person I was rp’ing had replied. Sometimes it was using painkillers just before work, clouding my head over. Sometimes it was self harming and having to deal with the result instead of being at work.

My best thinking can bring me from here. My best thinking can help me find a way to live my life and love living life. I’m not powerless. I don’t believe in ‘the light’. I believe in a god that created the universe. I don’t know what I think about this god/infinite power as it’s not something I’ve worked through. I’m too angry at this god for creating me. I believe that we’re here through limit. I believe that there is goodness in the world. I am choosing to believe in myself.

I don’t think I really manage to put what I’m thinking down. But I’m grateful that I could put some of it down. Could put some of it into words. I’m grateful per se. Grateful for the changes, minor ones that aren’t so small, that I see. Grateful that for the most part suicide isn’t one of the options I see as viable. Grateful for journaling, for how much it helps me. Grateful for my friends, even as they annoy me. M’s (friend) and AH’s (therapist) reaction to something I said was the same. Which annoyed me. For their fear is relevant and their fear comes from what I’ve told them, I just wanted to express other stuff entirely and it was positive stuff, and yet they saw the negativity too. I’m grateful that I reached out to someone and told her I want to be in touch with her. I’m grateful that I give to people. I’m grateful that my rabbi asked me for help with something small, that he was okay with asking me. I’m grateful to be in an okay place. I’m grateful that however much it may scare me, however much I don’t deserve to be okay, however much I rather what I know, I’m not wrecking the okayness. I’m grateful that I know, that whatever I do, I will be okay, if I mess my life up, I can always get back up, so long as there is life, there is hope. I’m grateful. And grateful to be grateful.

Ramble over for now.

Eliza

3 Day Quote Challenge – Day 2

Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
  • Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
  • Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.

Thank you Anita!

My quote for today

My past does not define me.

I’ve messed up in my life. I’ve used food – eating too much, throwing up, not eating at all. Self harm. Painkillers. And some other things. I’ve scars. The first time I wrote this quote was actually using henna tattoo. I covered my thigh with it and took a picture. I don’t quite remember why I did that, I think because I wanted to believe it. Now I actually don’t define myself by what I do or don’t do. At all. I can’t say I never think of it, but it’s not usually an issue. It’s just, a part of my life. If I’m messing up at the time. That’s a part of my life. If I’m not, it’s a part of my story. And hey, you know, I’ve an entire life to live. That’s just a part.

There’s another quote that reminds me of this that I’d want to use. I can’t remember the words, but basically, I can look at my scars, and choose what I see them as. I can choose to see them as failure. I can choose to see them as victory.

Your past does not define you. My past does not define me. The only person who defines me is myself.

Come join the challenge (if you’re interested ;) – I don’t know if you do these or not…)

Fight to become
Sara
Beckie

Eliza

Just for today

Today is a new day.
Just for today I want to enjoy the day.
Just for today I want to stay with the reality
Just for today I want to know that however hard it gets, it will pass
Just for today I will know that I’m not alone, god is with me
Just for today I will try not to mess up in order to fight that
Just for today I’ll believe in myself
Just for today I’ll believe in possibility
Just for today I’ll believe in those who believe in me when I don’t believe in myself
Just for today I’ll try stay in the present, stay present, and just breathe
Just for today I’ll try accept my best as my best

I’d love to hear yours :)

Eliza