Letter to myself: 18th August ’17

Eliza

It’s okay. It’s okay. Just breathe. You are okay. You will be okay. I promise you. It will get easier. I know it can’t seem possible. You are worth it. Eliza, I promise you it’s okay. It’s okay if you’re scared. It’s okay if you’re freaking. It’s okay if you use. It’s okay if you hate yourself. I don’t like how much you hate yourself, but, it’s okay. Whatever is, or isn’t, I promise you it’s okay. I love you. Continue reading “Letter to myself: 18th August ’17”

Letter to myself: 10th April ’18

Dear Eliza

Just breathe. Ever heard that one before? Just breathe? But yeah, just breathe. Coz’, you’re okay. Coz’ you will be okay. You ask will you ever get there? That depends what the there is. If the there is a destination, well, I don’t know if you’ll ever get there. If the there is the journey, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is being okay living this journey, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you won’t hate being here, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll change and handle what you want different, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to calm yourself down, which you can’t do at the moment, then yes, you’ll get there. You’ll be able to calm yourself down. If the there is the ability to stay with what is when it’s all too much, then yes, you’ll get there. You’ll be able to stay with what is. If the there is the ability to acknowledge what’s going on for you in a way that helps, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be aware of what’s going on for you, then yes, one day you’ll be aware of what’s going on. If the there is that you’ll stay present without tuning out or cutting off, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll know what to do about whatever is going on for you, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be okay with the struggle, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to work through what you think/believe without freaking out, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll know what you want, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll believe that you’re worth it, and deserve to live and be okay, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to reach out to others without turning them away at the same time, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll learn what your boundaries are, then yes you’ll get there. If through that you’ll learn what boundaries are for others, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll believe you’re worthy of existing on your own, irrespective of anyone else, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to keep to your boundaries without crossing them or letting others cross them, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be okay with touch, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll know what you believe and be able to live with it, then yes you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to do whatever you want taking what matters into account and not what or who doesn’t, then yes you’ll get there. If the there is all of the above, then yes, you’ll get there. Even if you get there, wherever the there is, it’s still a journey, just hopefully a journey you can be okay living with or on. Hopefully a journey when it’s not too much all the damn time. I’m sorry it’s so hard at the moment. Love you. I believe in you. I believe that you can give yourself what you need, even if not today. I believe that everyone does not come before you. I believe that you’re allowed to be okay. I believe that you aren’t taking away from the world and people around you by existing. Luv ya….

Eliza

Letter to myself: 25th March ’18

It’s been a while

Dear Eliza

It feels like an age since I’ve last really written to you. Tuned into it. You’re worth it Eliza. The world a’spins. Life a’spins. Your mind a’spins. What does a’spins mean, exactly? Spinning, spinning, spinning, round and round without stop. I’m proud of you Eliza. You’ve really gotten so far. I know you don’t see it. I know you’re scared of it. Scared to see it. Scared you’re gonna fail. Scared that it’s all a mirage. You’re doing okay Eliza. I know it’s hard. Sometimes it seems tougher than it ever has. And it’s weird, for it’s so hard, but it can’t really be harder than it was, for then you were fighting ending life, and now you aren’t. Yet, it is. It’s a different kind of hard. It’s a different kind of struggle. That’s what I mean Eliza. That you’ve come far. You’re not struggling with the same things. Yeah you think about death. Yet you want to live. Yeah you think about messing up. Yet you don’t want to enter that spiral. Using is a mirage too. It seems so glamorous. It seems like it’ll solve everything. Yet it doesn’t. For life is different. When you’ve learned how to type at 70WPM, typing at 30WPM is no longer fast, and no longer gives you the excitement it used to. When you’ve dealt with life by living it, even though not coping with it, using any of the tools you used to handle it won’t help for they don’t handle the now which is different to the past.

I love you Eliza. I don’t know what will be. I don’t know how you’ll get there. I don’t know where the there even is. I do know that you’ll do it.

I think your analogy is pretty apt. The one where you were saying how you felt at the moment. Like you’ve fallen off a cliff and you have no clue what is the at the bottom and you don’t know how to position yourself to land, or how far landing even is.

I love the quote you saw today. When you fall off a cliff it’s so you can learn to fly. What do those wings look like? Are they pretty? Are they strong? What colour are they? What design do these wings have?

You’re special Eliza. You’ll get there. You’re worth it. I don’t know what this there looks like. You don’t need to know what it looks like. It’s the journey that’s the there. The being okay with living this journey. The serenity of knowing that you can do it. That you don’t have to get off the train. That you’re strong enough to live through this life. It won’t always be easy Eliza. I don’t know when it ever has been easy. I don’t know if it ever will be. I know that sometimes it’ll be fun. I know that it’ll be filled with colour. You’ve been robbed of these colours for so long. The world is filled with colour. Sometimes it just seems dark. But the darkness is colour. And the intensity of it all gets overwhelming. When it gets ‘too much’ instead of just being pretty. When you want to rob the world of it’s colour again. Take it back to the washed out version you’re used to living with. Where you know what everything is. Instead of this vibrancy that you don’t recognize. And then you miss the beauty. And wish you could get it back. It is beautiful Eliza. This world. Life is beautiful. All of it. The train ride. Of life. One day, you’ll love being on the train.

And Eliza, it’s okay. It picks up speed. It slows down. It travels through tunnels. over bridges. By water. Through vast empty fields. Fields of colour. Fields dead by drought. Butterflies flying. Moths flying. The world is filled with beauty. Blackness is stunning too. Is strength. Serenity. When it’s a backdrop. When it’s not everything. When you know that the tunnel takes you to the lake.

Love you ‘liza.

Eliza

Letter to myself: 12th March

Dear Eliza,

I wish I knew what to say to you. I don’t.

You want to give up. Cry Eliza, cry. It’s okay. You know, he’s given you a gift – AH. Hurting you enough that you can cry about it. You let something in, I think he’s the only thing (person in this case) that you’ve ever really let in. I guess maybe that’s why he’s the first thing you’ve cried about in years. Continue reading “Letter to myself: 12th March”

Letter to myself: 13th February ’18

Dear Eliza

Hi again :) Welcome to the end of another day. Just to tell you that I’m proud of you. That I love you. That I’m with you. That you are okay. And that you are worth it and deserve it. Well, that’s the point always in writing to you. Yeah Eliza I’m proud of you. For doing your best. For trying to work through things. For doing what you think is the next right thing. I’m proud of you as you mess up (throw up). Coz’ you’re doing your best. I love you always. When the world give up you have your greatest ally at your side – yourself. You’re doing your best, your best may not be exactly as you wish it would be, but you’re doing whatever you can and putting in as much as you can. You are okay. Regardless of anything going on around you. I’m sad for you and with you. That it’s all gotten to be way too much so you’ve covered it all with a film. You loved that you were livingĀ in the world. I loved that you were living in the world. You still are, but with some disconnect. I guess that’s what messing with food via throwing up is giving to you. If it were to lose weight or disappear you’d stop eating. Throwing up has never caused weight loss for you. And although I’m sad that you’ve covered the world again, created a distance between you and it, I’m also okay with it. That you’re doing what you can to stay safe. Although it’s not the most amazing way to keep yourself safe, I don’t actually know of another way for you to have stayed tuned into it all and (can’t read what I wrote :( ) it and stayed safe with it.

And Eliza, you’ll get it back. I think you’re more present now that you used to be, so even though it is not as tuned in as the past couple of months, they’ve given you something, and you can and will get back there. I guess that’s why you stopped throwing up a few months ago without actively trying to stop, for you didn’t need it, so it tapered off itself.

You’re okay Eliza. You will get there. Follow your dreams. Keep on doing what you are. One day the pieces will fall into place. You can and will do it. I believe in you.

Love you Eliza,

Eliza