Sometimes

Sometimes
It just hurts
Sometimes
It just hurts
Sometimes
It just hurts so damn much

And I can’t even name it
Or put a finger on it
It just hurts
Sometimes
At other times
I wonder
If it’s all in my head
I know it all is
Just in my head
My imagination
Coz it can’t be real
Especially when
There’s what of it
Just isn’t real
For if it were
I wouldn’t be able
To just disconnect
Be one place one moment
And the next
Somewhere completely different
Absent though
Just absent
Sometimes
It just hurts
Sometimes
It just hurts
I want it to stop
So badly
And don’t have the way
To do that
The only option I know
Is to end it
Permanently
And
I don’t know
Whether I do or don’t
Want that
I don’t know
What I want
Sometimes
It just hurts
Sometimes
It just hurts
Reasons
A reason
That’s what I want
A reason to hold on
A reason to try
Through the dark
When they ain’t any light
When there never can be
For even if there were
Light
I’d block it out
Sometimes
It just hurts
Sometimes
It just hurts
That’s also why
I feel like
It’s just in my head
For if there were goodness
I’d wreck it
I’d ruin it
For I can’t live with it
Accept it
For when in essence
I’m bad
It can’t co-exist
With okayness
Sometimes
It just hurts
Sometimes
It just hurts
I want it to just stop
To just, stop
For a little bit
I want the pause button
The exit option
I never asked to be here
I was never given the choice
Sometimes
It just hurts
And it seems like
That’s the only choice
For
It is the only choice
To live through it
Breathe it
Be with it
Let it be
Let it pass
And believe
Believe in hope
Believe in possibility
Believe in dreaming
Believe
That hurting isn’t always
Bad
That hurting can be
Sending a message
Can teach you something
If you just let it
That it’s okay
If you don’t stay with it
Just as you’d say it’s okay
For others
It’s okay
For you too
It’s a safety mechanism
A way of exiting
Without ending it
Sometimes
It just hurts
Sometimes
It just hurts
Sometimes
So damn much
And sometimes
That’s okay

I wrote this now after looking at a box of painkillers and wanting to use them so damn much. They aren’t part of my supply. There’s no way there’d be enough for that either way. And yeah, I just want to use. To exit in some way. Wrote instead. I guess.

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