Sixty Nine: The sun

The sun. This wouldn’t necessarily be a reason if there were no such thing as winter, and freezing cold.

I was in pain yesterday and didn’t know what to do about it. I mean, it was hurting! For something to register enough as pain – that I actually name it as such – it has to hurt a damn lot. I’ll give you an example, and this doesn’t really come in but oh well. I was burned, and was prescribed cocodamol (some you can buy over the counter, but when it gets to the 30gms you can only get it via prescription). I never took any. This was before I ever decided to mess up with painkillers – I only started using them as a way to mess with suicide without acting on it. If I was asked to grade the pain out of 10 I probably would have given it a 6. I had my arm debrided (for those who don’t know, which I didn’t, it means removing any dead/wounded skin to prevent infection). That would be, I don’t know where that would rate. Probably an 8. I was asked beforehand if I wanted morphine. I only knew that it was meant to hurt as much as it did when the Dr there asked the nurse who did it if I screamed. No, I didn’t. My reaction to that was, oh, it was meant to hurt that much. My GP had expected them to numb the area first. Oh well. I never used painkillers, because, why ever would I? It doesn’t hurt enough. Yesterday the pain was what I’d rank as a 5. As I said, I didn’t know what to do about it. For if I’d use painkillers, well, I wouldn’t just use 2. There would be no point to. And, once I start using painkillers, well, I’ve a plan in place for how I’d use them. How much I’d use. Daily. I don’t have enough to implement the plan. Especially as the plan constantly lengthens and requires more. It’s a good thing, though. Since I don’t have enough to actualize it, it holds me back from starting. I didn’t know what to do. For if I start using, regardless of the reason, I have to keep to the plan. Once the wheels are set in motion I can’t see myself stopping the train. If I ever get to the point where I have started it, I’ll deal with it then, but for now, that is the reality as I see it. Once I start, I’ll go through with it.

I’m going away, to a sunny place. It’s freezing here. Okay, okay, it’s not freezing, but just cold. I’m looking forward to going and spending time in the sun. And yeah, it’s a reason for me. It’s part of why I didn’t mess up despite the pain yesterday. I have reason enough to use today, too, for it hurts at a 1-2, painkillers will probably dull it to just a one. But if I start I won’t enjoy the sun. And my plan may end up killing me. I logically know that. I wonder if I’ll ever know it really – when I want to do it, I rationalize that it won’t and that I just want to see what will happen, that nothing has happened until now, there is no reason for anything to happen from now (which I guess is why I’m still buying more to be able to one day put it into place. I need to know that I can). I’m completely sidetracking. The sun.

The sun. I didn’t mess up last night because I want to enjoy the sun. I thought that you know, it’d be such a shame to do something that could be fatal now, when I’m about to go away, I may as well wait before doing it, at least until after I’m back. So yeah, sixty nine – the sun.

I feel like I’ve been way too open on here and it’s making me feel self conscious.

Thoughts, anyone?

So long,

Eliza

I'd love to hear your thoughts

Proudly powered by WordPress | Theme: Baskerville 2 by Anders Noren.

Up ↑