Sixty Nine: The sun

The sun. This wouldn’t necessarily be a reason if there were no such thing as winter, and freezing cold.

I was in pain yesterday and didn’t know what to do about it. I mean, it was hurting! For something to register enough as pain – that I actually name it as such – it has to hurt a damn lot. I’ll give you an example, and this doesn’t really come in but oh well. I was burned, and was prescribed cocodamol (some you can buy over the counter, but when it gets to the 30gms you can only get it via prescription). I never took any. This was before I ever decided to mess up with painkillers – I only started using them as a way to mess with suicide without acting on it. If I was asked to grade the pain out of 10 I probably would have given it a 6. I had my arm debrided (for those who don’t know, which I didn’t, it means removing any dead/wounded skin to prevent infection). That would be, I don’t know where that would rate. Probably an 8. I was asked beforehand if I wanted morphine. I only knew that it was meant to hurt as much as it did when the Dr there asked the nurse who did it if I screamed. No, I didn’t. My reaction to that was, oh, it was meant to hurt that much. My GP had expected them to numb the area first. Oh well. I never used painkillers, because, why ever would I? It doesn’t hurt enough. Yesterday the pain was what I’d rank as a 5. As I said, I didn’t know what to do about it. For if I’d use painkillers, well, I wouldn’t just use 2. There would be no point to. And, once I start using painkillers, well, I’ve a plan in place for how I’d use them. How much I’d use. Daily. I don’t have enough to implement the plan. Especially as the plan constantly lengthens and requires more. It’s a good thing, though. Since I don’t have enough to actualize it, it holds me back from starting. I didn’t know what to do. For if I start using, regardless of the reason, I have to keep to the plan. Once the wheels are set in motion I can’t see myself stopping the train. If I ever get to the point where I have started it, I’ll deal with it then, but for now, that is the reality as I see it. Once I start, I’ll go through with it.

I’m going away, to a sunny place. It’s freezing here. Okay, okay, it’s not freezing, but just cold. I’m looking forward to going and spending time in the sun. And yeah, it’s a reason for me. It’s part of why I didn’t mess up despite the pain yesterday. I have reason enough to use today, too, for it hurts at a 1-2, painkillers will probably dull it to just a one. But if I start I won’t enjoy the sun. And my plan may end up killing me. I logically know that. I wonder if I’ll ever know it really – when I want to do it, I rationalize that it won’t and that I just want to see what will happen, that nothing has happened until now, there is no reason for anything to happen from now (which I guess is why I’m still buying more to be able to one day put it into place. I need to know that I can). I’m completely sidetracking. The sun.

The sun. I didn’t mess up last night because I want to enjoy the sun. I thought that you know, it’d be such a shame to do something that could be fatal now, when I’m about to go away, I may as well wait before doing it, at least until after I’m back. So yeah, sixty nine – the sun.

I feel like I’ve been way too open on here and it’s making me feel self conscious.

Thoughts, anyone?

So long,

Eliza

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