Sixty: Discovery

I realised not so long ago (maybe an hour or so) that I haven’t been using anything to escape in the past week or so (actually, longer than that, but since I can work it out). Yes I have been doing things.

But things like playing with candles and stopping when aware of it. Things like throwing up but stopping before going very far. I haven’t even been escaping in to the fantasy world of bdsm which isn’t something I have ever tried to stop for although it connects to self harm it isn’t anything major. I haven’t been using. It wasn’t an intentional decision. I wouldn’t have made that decision just yet. I would have waited until I had an infrastructure in place – which I guess may never happen. Until I thought I was strong enough. Until I thought I could do it. Now isn’t a time I think I could do it. Yet, I am doing it. I don’t know what will be. You can embark on this journey of discovery with me. I would reach out to others. Yet, I can’t. Someone I thought to be trustworthy freaked when I shared something I view as positive with her. She crossed boundaries and broke my trust. This is a relationship that was non existent. I’ve broken it before it was even there. I ruin all relationships in which I try to turn to others. Turning to people isn’t safe. And I inevitably wreck it. I destroyed this one by not turning to her in order not to ruin what didn’t even exist. I can’t, on the backs of this, reach out to anyone who isn’t in my life. There aren’t many people in my life that I trust to speak to. There is a reason for that. Two people in the past couple of days showed me that they would be here for me if I want. I think I can trust them if I need to. They both know where I am at and didn’t freak out on me. But I can’t. I can’t trust myself or what I believe. I believed this person was trustworthy. And I haven’t made peace with what she did. I don’t even know what she did. Will find out one morning middle of next week. Yeah, until then I will be freaking. But I can’t reach out to others. I don’t trust others or myself. But it’s irrelevant. Or it is relevant. It’s relevant as part of the journey of discovery.

I have never lived without constant escape. When I was young it was books. When I grew up self harm and painkillers. Food too (the internet, relationships, camming et al) but stopping eating and painkillers were more about destroying myself than escaping. I don’t know what life is like without living in a world of escape. Brutal. It’s what I want though. Something I really want. To live this way. To find out what could be. Anything is possible. Anything can be. How can we know what? We can’t…. I don’t know what will be. I don’t know if I can succeed. Or if I will fall flat, splat, into the mud. I don’t know what will be. In life we never can know what will be. Every moment is a new moment. The world is your oyster. The world is my oyster. What will be? Who knows??? I know that judging by the past few days the next weeks will be hell on earth. I want to get through it. For the same reasons as my reasons to live. I want to be there for others. I want to use my life as a stepping stone – not a stumbling block. I want to face the fear. I want to live through the autumn. I want to give to others. I want to prove the people who believe in me that they are right to. I don’t know what will be. I don’t know if I really am strong enough to do this. Everything is about discovery. Who knows what will be? Not I!!!

I am trying to believe in the person I want to become.

So long,

Eliza

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