I’m not sure what to title this post. Nor am I sure that I’m doing the right thing to write this out. I dialogued with myself when there was too much unnamed going on that I couldn’t handle. I think I want to share, as I want to know I’m not alone, and I’m pretty damn proud of what I did here. I think the most amazing part – to me – was that it actually helped. A little.
Okay E, what are you running away from?
I don’t know
You don’t know or don’t want to deal with it?
Both. I don’t want to handle it so don’t know.
Why don’t you want to handle it?
It’s too big.
What is too big?
And if I tell you that you don’t need to handle it. That knowing just means knowledge and doesn’t mean anything more?
I won’t believe you.
Because it’s not true
What isn’t true
If I know what is, I’ll just know even more that I can’t handle it. And then I’ll mess up.
And you don’t want to mess up?
Urm. I don’t want to reply to that.
What does messing up mean to you?
I don’t want to kill myself.
Okay E. Step back. Breathe. To 3. Breathe. In and out. Just breathe.
E, what do you feel physically right now – what does the bed feel like and what is it doing?
It’s kinda firm, the mattress, and it’s pressing into my body.
Are you hot or cold?
Both. There’s a chilly air, and it’s stuffy. And my shoulder is hurting from the position I’m in.
Yay you :)
For scaling it back.
You know I never said you did want to kill yourself.
Okay. So what now?
I don’t know. I’m scared.
I never said I wanted to kill myself.
I know you didn’t. Do you want to?
I don’t know. Yes. No. Not really. I don’t know.
And that’s scary because….?
It isn’t safe.
It isn’t safe because…?
What if I act on it.
Will you act on it?
No. I don’t think so.
Why won’t you act on it?
Because of you.
What do you mean?
The other I. You
I want you to put it into words.
I also don’t want to.
You don’t want to what?
I don’t want to kill myself.
And that is scary to you because…?
It takes away the chance of ending it.
You want to end it because…?
It’s not that I want to end it, I want the choice to.
But you knew that you wanted to be suicidal (link: I want to be suicidal) so what is different now that’s scary?
It’s more than I want to.
It’s not okay.
That’s okay too.
It’s not okay.
E, what things can you see blue?
Pillowcase. Phone case. Bottle wrapper. Puzzle on wall. Drawer set. Floor. Book. Puzzles. Wall. Dolphin figurines. Bottle of fabreeze. Nail varnish stand. Dolphin cushions. Watch stand.
You know this is cool.
Yay you! I’m proud of you!
Bringing yourself back into the present…
I didn’t. You did.
lol. You did. Even if you wouldn’t know how to do it without this.
Mum is calling.
Well, she put down :)
Can you deal with taking this further?
Hmm, yeah, I guess so.
Okay, so I’m not sure what to say.
So don’t say anything
Is that the only thing going on?
Is what the only thing going on?
You want to be suicidal.
It’s more than I want to
But you aren’t, right?
Are you suicidal at the moment? Would you kill yourself at the moment?
If I had the means that no one would know it was suicide than yes.
What about what R’ R said?
What did he say?
That suicide gives you no chances. Because you’ve taken yourself from this world to a real world where there is no way for it to be different.
E, I feel like that’s not what’s really going on. That yes, you want to kill yourself, but that you don’t really, that you’re saying that, but it’s a cop out for reality. And I don’t know what the reality is for you.
Yes. I’m sad.
You’re sad because…?
You’re sad you’re here because….?
I can’t do anything about it.
That bothers you because…?
I don’t like it
You don’t like…?
You don’t like being here because…?
I wasn’t given a choice.
You care you weren’t given a choice because…?
It’s not what I care about.
You don’t like being here because…?
It’s too hard.
It’s too hard because….?
It is all a mess. Like a tangled mass of confusion. And there is nothing I can do about it.
(((hugs))). I love you E. I’m with you. It is all a mess. And you don’t know what to do. And you are doing what you can. And I’m proud of you for doing what you can. And I’m with you. I love you E. You are okay.
Okay. Stop at what
The ‘it’s okay’ for it’s not okay.
It isn’t okay. I’m trying to say that essentially you’re okay even if it isn’t okay. What words would you like me to use?
Hmm. I don’t know. Not ‘you’re okay’. It’s false. How can I tell myself it’s okay without using those words? Maybe both?
I know it’s not okay but even with it not being okay, you’re okay.
Enough of the word.
So what’s going on?
Ah left. And it’s my fault. And I’m still expecting things from people. And it scares me to see how much I expect from people. And it scares me because I’m realising it now – only afterwards. And I must’ve always had expectations. And it all translates to meanings like they don’t care or don’t want it or whatever, which makes no sense. And that’s just about expectations. And has nothing to do with boundaries. Or being alone. Or that AH left even though he told me he’d stick through me pushing him away. He knew just how important it was that he stay regardless, and, he didn’t. He left. He took away the one anchor I had in my world. Which isn’t as important or major as the fact that he left. And that I’m to blame. And I know it’s not my fault. But we aren’t talking about faults. It’s just the reality. That I played a big part in wrecking something that meant so much to me when all I was trying to do was make it safe. Not end it. And I’m sad.
And it scares me that I’m not eating enough. It only scares me because it isn’t a choice. and it’s a shame that I’m not at least losing weight. Though I wouldn’t know as I haven’t been on scales. And I don’t have a choice. I need control (which is why I’m not eating enough). And I hate that I need control. And everything is too much. And the world is too much. The expectations of dad and mum. The fact I’m hurting them by not being who they want me to be. And I want to study. And I can’t focus on figuring studying out for there is too much else going on. Nothing, but everything. And I’ve started work and don’t really have the headspace. And AH left. I listened to his message telling me he wouldn’t over and over. And I’m just so tired of trying and feeling as though I’ve absolutely no choice in anything. Though until I listen to every suggestion that every person gives I can’t say I’ve no choice. There is always a choice. And I’m tired. And not sleeping enough. Sleep isn’t safe. I don’t know why not. The world isn’t safe. I just want some stability. To feel safe within myself. As though I can calm myself down. Which I guess I’m learning to do. Just can’t see it. And I’m tired. And tired.
And have been spending time with G. And I know that she has been influencing my outlook with her worldview. Her view so isn’t healthy. On anything. Is so black and white. Not like my view is any different. S said I’m dealing with a lot of other people’s stuff, and, I know it’s true. I feel like I have to for they shouldn’t have to, that it’s my responsibility to. Which it isn’t. My responsibility is only to myself and not to anyone else. And I know that. And I don’t believe that. For I’m guilty for existing. And my existence has to be about others for then even if I’m guilty for living they deserve to have me here. And yeah I know it’s not so. Yet, it just is my reality. And I’m tired. And there’s no way to stop. Just stop and take a break. And ES is hurting. And GS. And M. And HS. They’re all hurting. ES wants to get married. M doesn’t know how to handle marriage. HS wants kids. GS just had a miscarriage and is dealing with the complications of nearly dying from it.
DM is a daddy. And I’m jealous of him. I want children. I really want children. And I don’t want to bring kids into the world. It isn’t fair to them. And I don’t want to get married. Touch isn’t safe enough for intimacy. Touch isn’t safe. Per se.
And I’m tired of writing. Even though I’ve so much more to say.
Breathe E. Take a deep breath. Drink. I love you. I’m so proud of you. For looking at reality. For beginning to face it. For trying to. For letting yourself. There isn’t anything for me to say to anything. And I know you haven’t written about so much more.
God. N. J. My place in the family. Reactions to the world.
And, it’s okay if you aren’t okay. You don’t have to be okay. The world is a scary place. And, you don’t usually know what is going on for yourself because you’ve never learned how to know. The only thing you learned is that thinking, feeling, being isn’t safe. That is just your reality. And you can learn what is (going on in your world). You can learn to identify what’s going on for yourself. You have the ability to handle whatever it is. Think of earlier today. When you wanted to throw up. And decided to stop fighting it but let it be and move on (without acting on it). You will learn how to deal with life, E. You will. I’m proud of you. I hope you can let go of your throat hurting now .I hope you can let yourself sleep. Just remember, you’re worth it, and you have your greatest ally by your side – yourself. I love you E and am so proud of you.
And I can hear you say ‘but it doesn’t help any’. You’re right. It doesn’t help any. But at least you aren’t reacting by hiding or escaping. You can deal with reality. And remember, you don’t have to deal with it. You can choose to shelve it and face it when you have the ability to. Letting it be doesn’t mean you will know how to change it. It means that instead of having reality, you fighting it, whatever you’re doing to hide from it, and all that comes along, you just have reality. Reality isn’t something you know how to handle, and however much that isn’t okay you are still okay. You can be okay even if what is isn’t okay.
Love you E.
So long as there’s life, there’s hope.