Self harm. My thoughts at the moment.

This post could be triggering to read.

Self harm. I guess I’m writing this post as one day when I was thinking about self harming I decided to write a post with my reasons why not. Now, I just want to put down what I think, and see where it takes me.

I was showering before. There was a razor there. Picked up the razor. Stopped. Never really did anything, but, haven’t used razors in so long…… Ended up turning the heat onto the highest. Has its’ benefits that, for, I’m warm now, my body is warm, and, I’ve been freezing here for so long, it’s so cold in this part of the world. I’m glad to be warm. I’ve disposable razors, painkillers, disposable lighters and a curler here. Not even triggered at the moment. I don’t need to use. I’ve no reason to. Yet I’ve also no reason not to. Okaaay….

I want to use. I want to mess up. I want to send myself spiraling. I’m close to the edge. I want to be in control. If I do anything now, it’ll be a conscious choice, and then I’ll feel like I chose all the ramifications. I’m close enough to the edge. If I’m honest, I’m probably walking pretty near to it. It won’t take much for me to send myself spiraling. I don’t know if I consciously chose to pick up the razor before. I chose to put it down. I don’t know if I chose to stand under a shower that was the hottest I could turn it to. I chose to get out of there. I don’t know if I chose to plug in a curling iron, buy painkillers, store anything I could think of to use. I’ve chosen, so far, not to use them.

Why not?

I guess for my list of reasons why life. I guess using will send me spiraling.

Why not self harm? Why not? Why not?

Why yes is probably a better question.

Why yes. For the escape. For the choice of it. For the pain. To destroy myself (which self harming won’t accomplish). For the freedom of the eventuality.

Why not? For freedom. To live life not dependent on anything. To live a life of choice, of freedom.

I’ve nothing more to write. Or, I’ve way too much to write to be able to put it into words.

I’ve a driving test tomorrow morning. I want to be able to pass it. My reason not to mess with burning or cutting. Not a reason not to use other things.

I guess writing this hasn’t ‘taken’ me anywhere. Just blanking on it.

Eliza

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