Eighty Nine: Going backwards to go forwards

I’m not sure why I feel like I’ve written something like this before, either way.

I was actually discussing this with someone, I was trying to tell her why it isn’t necessarily wrong to go backwards. Sometimes you have to go backwards in order to go forwards. Like when you pull back the bow to give the arrow momentum to get even further. I was actually sharing with her the fact that I was fighting (I didn’t give her details), that I was fighting the fact that god was in control, to the extent that I was wrecking my life. Yeah, the things I use will and does wreck my life (in this case it was painkillers, a month before it’d been food, and was debating self harming a lot). Pretty literally. And I want(ed?) control enough, however futile it may be, that I’ll destroy myself to exert it. I was telling her that at the same time I knew that however much it may be going backwards, it was and is also going forwards. For, I was fighting….. If I was fighting it means I was gonna get somewhere when I’d stop fighting. It means I’m fighting something that when I stop fighting I’ll be able to use to help me. For why do you fight? The only time a person, definitely myself, fights a concept, is when I know it to be true. Else I don’t need to fight it. Like I don’t hate someone I’ve no connection with. They’re irrelevant to me. So fighting, even if I was destroying myself over it, was going backwards. To go forwards. Was using, yeah, but in order that at some point I can use the same need in order not to use.

I’m not fighting the fact that someone created me and has control as much as I was. I’m not sure why not. Maybe I’ve come to some sort of acceptance that won’t last (until I work through it)? Shouldn’t be negative about that. I do hope it lasts. Just trying not to expect anything. Trying to know that this is now, and hopefully it’ll last and it’s okay if I fight it again. I’ve not been using. I know it’s correlated (for in this case I was using because I wanted to prove that I was in control, for I knew that if I let whatever is in control take charge I don’t need to use, for there is a power greater than me that can sort my life out, so therefore I had to use, to prove that I was in control. It actually makes some sense, however convoluted it may be). I don’t need to prove my control at this moment. I still have to work through my anger with god. I still have to work through how much it bothers me that he’s in control. I have to work through my need for control (though that’s way later in the game). I have to come to understand why the world was created. I have to understand why I was created. At least understand it enough – I have to be able to accept it. Accept the fact that there is a power greater than me. Accept the fact that I’m here in this world even though at the moment I’m angry with god for creating me. When I’m ready to handle it, I will work through it. That day isn’t today. I’ll know when I’m able to. And, I will get there. (For this moment I accept that I don’t understand, and that when I’m ready to work through it hopefully I will understand, and that either way, I can use what I know to help me, rather than to destroy me.)

Yeah, you can go backwards. As long as you keep your eye on the goal. I can go backwards. The path up a mountain sometimes goes down in order to avoid those boulders that it wouldn’t be safe to cut a path through. My goal is the top of the mountain. Right now the path is pretty rocky. It isn’t heading up or down. I can’t tell you how fast I’m moving along the path either, for I don’t know.
The goal, my goal, is to live life on life’s terms, to be able to handle living life on life’s terms, to love living life on life’s terms. To just be okay with the journey. Which, sometimes I’m doing more and sometimes I’m doing less. More of the ‘less’ than the ‘more’ but I’m beginning to believe that it may be possible. A case in point is the past few days. Which, were tough. I ditched some work yesterday. Haven’t done all I need to for work. And it’s okay. Coz’ I’m LIVING with it. I’m present for it. I don’t know how to put into words just how major that is for me. That I’m actually living with the reality (even as I’m not always able to handle it. I am handling it, sort of). I realized that when I was trying to remember if things have ever been as intense as they were the other night (I freaked out on AH, completely freaked out, and being that I wasn’t talking, at all, could’t, he didn’t know what was going on). They have never been that hard. Haven’t been as drained from freaking out to that extent in a long time. Why not though? Because I’d never have lived through it. I’d have been living in my own world of fantasy and using whatever it was that I was in the mood of using at the time. I’d have cut off, tuned out, escaped, whatever it took. I wouldn’t have known that I was freaking. And if I was aware I would have run away, turned off skype, definitely not stayed with it and stuck through it, however tough it was, and however vulnerable I feel that he saw me in freak out mode. So yeah, life is a learning curve. Life is a curve. Recovery is a curve. Take some steps back and take some steps forward. Sometimes all we can do is stay where we are and do our best to stay safe and not let ourselves cross anymore lines than we have (thinking of the letter I was copying out today with that. Wrote that letter when I was using, and knew that my best for the moment was not to cross the line of safety. Not to use all the painkillers I had and take away all hope). And sometimes we go backwards. We can always use that to go forwards though. And know at the time that we can. Accept ourselves whilst we’re doing it, and know that whilst there is life, there is hope (where does that saying come from?). For where there is life, there is hope.
​Been rambling. Again.

I wrote this as post. Then realized that in reality, it’s a reason too.

Eliza

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