I’m scared to write this post. I’ve been putting off writing it. Since I don’t want to write it. Reason 100. One hundred reasons seems like an awful lot of reasons. I like the number ninety seven or one hundred and one better, yet One Hundred is more significant. I’ve known all along what this reason is about. Simply reaching one hundred reasons is a reason in and of itself. And writing that scares me. For I’ve come to one hundred reasons.
One hundred is a goal in and of itself. One hundred has significance. One hundred is important. Today I’m writing my one hundredth reason post, even though I don’t want to write it. I don’t want to acknowledge it. It scares me. I’m not feeling safe and don’t have much head-space, yet, in reality, it’s all the more reason to try write this.
Today I’m writing reason one hundred. I started this blog because I wanted to focus on the positive. I wanted to focus on the reasons to live. At the time I wanted to kill myself. Scratch that. I knew that, come the one year mark after having promised to give life a go, I would end it. That one year is long enough to try. It was nearing a year. And I was tired of trying. Tired of being. Tired of living. I decided to focus on the reasons to live. Instead of on the reasons to end it. Focus on the positive, the positive will become the reality. Which isn’t necessarily true. So I started this blog. Eventually, instead of writing just my reasons to live, I posted some other random stuff. And the things that were my reasons, even if not titled as such. Like the letters I wrote to myself. I wanted, and still want, this blog to be a space for everyone to share their reasons to live. So today, I’m writing reason 100. It seems major. In the way that reaching a year after promising to give life a go is major. Yet, it’s also just a date. It’s also just a post. Just a fact. It has whatever meaning I ascribe to it.
100 reasons. Are there reasons to live? Yes. There are reasons to live. Does it make living easy? No. It does not make living easy. Does it mean that there can be joy in this world? Yes. My reasons to live. The fact that there is hope. There’ll always be another chance. I believe in the life I want to live. I believe in my dreams. I believe in beauty. I love seeing change. The little things. Like what happened today. Maybe I’ll make that reason 101. People who give. Love. Life. Beauty. nail varnish. Shoes. Autumn. Shadows. Leaves. A child’s laughter. Holding a baby. Exercise. The beach. New clothes. Breathing. I can go on. And I haven’t written all of these out as reasons yet. Despite the fact that I should. I don’t always have the headspace. Knowing that regardless of what goes on, I am okay. Knowing that life is life, it’s a journey. It’s still a belief for me. A belief in the dream I want. I don’t enjoy this world. I don’t know what enjoy means or looks like. I believe though. I believe in those who’ve done it. I believe in learning. I believe in hope. I believe in possibility. It hurts to be. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to continue on when life is a drag. It hurts when more than on edge. It hurts when I feel like an alien with no way of joining the world. It hurts, yes. Yet I believe. And, I’ve 100 reasons behind me. Most written by me, some of them written by some awesome people who decided to post on my blog.
For whoever has joined me on my journey here – thank you. For whoever will join me on my journey from here – to help me reach reason 200 (I’d love you to post your reasons) – thank you.
I’ve nothing else to say.