Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I just woke up and am still in bed as I write this. So I’m not sure how coherent this will be…
I’ve been messing up slightly for the past couple of months. Probably after about 4 or more months without messing up – with anything.
Spent a week throwing up. As in really. After everything I ate. I wasn’t surprised considering all that was going on at the time. It was the lesser of all evils style. And I was aware of what I was doing. It brought the film back. Between me and the world. I’d lived for a few months in the world. And realized that the world is vibrant. It pulsates with life. That I had never experienced. It was intense. Kinda too intense but I also loved it. I lost it after that week (I wrote this at the end of the week when I decided to stop elizareasonstolive.com/seventy-eight-instead-of-fighting). Instead of the colours there was a thick unbridgeable wall between me and the world. Which slowly disintegrated the more I just lived in it – the world.
A couple of weeks ago I used codeine. Not much, and I stopped. And in the last couple of days threw up and used codeine again. Again nothing much. It’s all nothing. They’re all the lesser of the evils, and not real messing up (not self harming or using cocodamol). But still, I don’t like it, coz’ inevitably it has to go further. Besides, it places a distance between me and the world. Sigh. I feel like I’ve written all of this so often… I’m desperate for that distance, for the world really is too much for me, yet I want to live in the world, a world of beauty. Really, I just want to be okay living in the world. I don’t want just living to be registering on my radar as too much (elizareasonstolive.com/too-much/).
Just living in the world. What does it register as for me? I think if you go into a packed disco club, disco lights flashing, packed with people, and are sitting next to the band. That’s what living in the world everyday is like. What being present is like. And yeah, it gets to be too much. After years, an entire life (well, I’m only 23), spent living in my own world, I really do love living in the world. I’m not surprised that I always lived in my own world now. For I see how intense a world that isn’t vibrating on the highest intensity is – I’m not fully present, have never yet been. I wonder what the world really is like. I wonder if I’ll ever live without escaping long enough to see just how bright the colours can be (how loud the noises are too, and for that token, how peaceful the stillness is. I can only really be mindful of beauty when I can tune into it, and when I’ve been messing up, I can’t fully tune in). So I want both. To put the film there and to take it away (elizareasonstolive.com/the-world/). I rather not put it there at all. In the long term. At the moments in time, it doesn’t seem worth it not to, for I need the escape, but what I want doesn’t always help. So yeah, I haven’t been messing up much. But more than enough. For even this puts distance between me and the world. A distance that I need and hate at the same time.
I want to change it.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
What can I do to change it?
One thing I decided to go back to doing (have to try and remember) is writing a list of what I’m grateful for each evening, and re-reading it in the morning. I know that won’t really make a difference – won’t make living in the world more okay than it is – but it’s something I’d like to do either way. I don’t know what has to change. I just know that either I have to do something differently, although there isn’t anything I can really do, or change/add something. Not sure yet what. Although, the little things do count. And even though I may not see it at the time, eventually they add up to form something.
I’d love your thoughts…