I decided to write to myself.
Just breathe. This, too, shall pass. It’s hard at the moment. Overwhelming. And, it’s okay, you’re okay. I know it may seem otherwise. Listen to the side that wants what is best. Listen to the side that cares. Yeah, I know you don’t know what you care about, if you care about anything at all. Remember, that is just this moment in time. The next moment is a new moment. Tomorrow is a new day. It doesn’t seem like it’ll change, but, you never know what could be. It may just be different. Just breathe Eliza. Breathe through it. Let yourself want. It’s okay. You are allowed to want anything. Just don’t let the overwhelming times when you’re standing at the edge define you. Just because it’s so easy to fall of the cliff doesn’t mean you have to walk off intentionally. I know, if you intentionally take those steps, self harm or whatever else will send you spiraling, you’ll feel in control. For you’ve chosen it. And it’s better if you get to choose it then it just being from inevitability. It’s okay Eliza. Eliza, you are okay. You deserve to be okay. And it’s okay that you don’t believe that. You’re worth it. You’ll always be worth it. You deserve it. You always will.
Eliza, I wish I could take you through a time machine, so that you can glimpse what your life will be ahead of time. Close your eyes for a moment, and dream. The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be. You get to choose Eliza. You get to define who you want to be. You get to live the life of your dreams. The world is your oyster. Anything is possible. Anything at all.
What do I dream for you? I dream. I dream of okayness. I dream of serenity. I dream of living life on life’s terms. I dream of living in the moment, just being. I dream of giving, giving the gift of life to others. I dream of showing the world just how special every person is. I dream of living in the moment, a moment at a time. Eliza, your dreams are yours. Yours forever. Whatever you believe you can do, you can. The highest fences a person has to climb are those he has built in his mind.
This moment in time is hard. I know. And it’s okay. It’s allowed to hurt. You don’t have to run away from it. It’s okay if you don’t know what hurts. It’s okay, and normal, if you want to make it physical instead. It’s okay if you want to numb it, or cut off. It’s okay if you can’t face it or deal with it. Whatever is, is okay. Coz’ Eliza, you are okay. Yes, it’s hard, and yes, you’re okay. Yes, you don’t know what you want. You know what? You don’t need to know. I know you wonder. So, you’ll mess up. So, it has the likelihood of sending you spiraling. Which has the possibility of spiraling more. Which ends up with using more painkillers than you have in the past. I know you don’t want to acknowledge it, but the amounts you used to use on a daily basis should’ve killed you. The amounts you think of playing with could kill you. I know you ask – so what? So you mess up, spiral, mess up, until you give up, and – what? Do you care?
Does it matter if you care? Does it matter if you know? What happens if you don’t care where jumping off the edge leads to, but stay on the safe side anyways? What happens if you choose the unknown, which is terrifying, and try live with what is, even if you don’t know – or don’t want to know – what that actually is? What happens if you’re brave, and face the moments as they are?
Eliza, I love you. Whatever you do, I love you. Whatever you don’t do, I love you. I know you’ve cut off, and, it’s okay. I promise you, it is always okay. It always will be okay.
I don’t really want to stop writing when you’re feeling this messed up and close to the edge, but I don’t really know what else to say.
You deserve to be okay Eliza. You don’t need to wreck it. I know that’s not really what’s going on. Right now it’s just too much and you want it to stop. And although you’ve disconnected from it, it’s still too much. I wonder if wrecking the good, actually does come in. I love you. It will pass. You are okay.