Decided that I want to write to myself every night for a week (let’s see if can even manage a week, but I like the idea).
I love you. It’s nearing the end of a day for you. Another day of living life. It’s an accomplishment Eliza. Maybe a kind of an accomplishment that you don’t want. There aren’t any fireworks. You have done, or feel like you’ve done, very little with your day. It’s been one of those days where you just don’t want to be here, where everything is tinted with what you think is the reality, but is just a grey cloud that passes. You’re looking for meaning, purpose, and, I can’t yet give it to you. You’re looking for the promise that it gets better. And you just have to believe that it does and hope that it does in reality.
Eliza, I’m proud of you. For living through another day of life. You mostly did what you had to. Yeah, there is more you could’ve – and still can – do in the day. The day hasn’t flashed colours. Nor has it been a calm, peaceful day. And it’s okay. It’s been a day. Where you gave to people. Where you were patient with others. Where you were actually present with the people you interacted with (something very rare). It’s been a day. You wish it would end. It hasn’t. And, it’s okay. I love you Eliza. You are worth it. You deserve it. You are okay. Even if there never will be any meaning. Even if you never give to anyone but yourself. Even if you do nothing at all….. Eliza, you’re worth it. You deserve everything. You deserve the world. Eliza, you do. You really, really, do. I love you. With all that you have, and haven’t done. You are okay. You deserve it. There is no way I can ever say it enough times. I don’t know how to show you that it’s true.
And Eliza, it’s okay that you can’t see it. You’re not guilty for that, too. You aren’t guilty for anything. You are not guilty for living. Yeah, I know you don’t believe that. But, you aren’t. And yeah, I know that you know you aren’t. I wish you’d really know it. Eliza, if people are hurt by your existence, that is their issue, and not yours. And Eliza, no one wants you dead, they may find you competition, and yeah, you are competition for people just by living, but you are normal competition for them. Even if people don’t like what you do, and are hurt by what you do, that is their issue, not yours. It doesn’t make you guilty for living. You aren’t taking away from anyone by being here. Even if they would find it easier if you weren’t here. which there isn’t anyone who would. People in your life would miss you if you were dead (yeah, I know you don’t believe that).
Eliza, I love you. Always. I’m proud of you – always. I’m with you. Always. You deserve it. Always. You are worth it. Always. Nothing can take any of it away. You are okay. You always will be okay. You always will deserve life, love, laughter. You are worthy of the life you want to lead. You can and will lead it. I promise you that. I don’t know yet how, but you’ll do it.