Letter to myself: You aren’t guilty.

Eliza

I love you. I’m proud of you. Even as you get upset with your sister. I’m proud of you. I love you. Even as you hate that you’ve eaten too much. I love you even as you hate your body. I don’t know why you do. It’s kinda more recent. Maybe transference? I love you Eliza. Whatever you do or don’t do, I love you. And am proud of you. I wish I had a magic wand.

Eliza, I think some of what you’re caring about now isn’t about now, but what was. The sense that you can’t be, you can’t exist, for you have to give your sis (or anyone else for that matter) what she needs. The sense that by existing you’re hurting others. The guilt for having needs. For being you. And the difference, the conflict, with the knowledge that you deserve to exist just coz’ you do. That you are allowed to need or want or be. I think though, that now you want to cry, or wanted to, coz’ you were upset with sis for taking away what was yours. You were right to be upset, I don’t know if she has the ability to look beyond herself. You were upset with yourself though. For caring. I wonder if that’s the guilt. For being. For saying what you want.

Eliza, that’s also probably why there was never a you. Why you knew you could never want anything. If anyone asked what you wanted to do you always had them choose and yes, you never wanted, you didn’t care what you did, coz’ you couldn’t. Eliza, I don’t really know what to say to you. You know you deserve to live, you deserve to be. You have a right just as much as anyone else does. What happens when your needs clash with someone else’s? I guess that’s when you discuss it with each other. What happens if the other person isn’t capable of discussing it – or is capable but can’t look past themselves? I don’t know what happens. Then they take away. What is meant to be then? I don’t know Eliza. I just don’t know.

You were right to talk to sis. It doesn’t help to get upset though for you just hurt yourself. She was wrong. She’s allowed to be wrong. It is wrong for anyone to take away what is yours. Always. Be that space, time, things, anything at all. You are allowed to be. There is space for every single person in the world. I can’t tell you that you aren’t taking from others or hurting others by existing, for I feel like you are. However, that is their issue. Not yours. And, if they have a right to be, you have just as much right. Your life is, has to be, about you. It sounds selfish. Being that you’re one of the least selfish people I know it’s okay. And yes you’ll probably go to the other extreme. Not giving when you could just because you can’t be bothered. And that is okay. For you can be and should be nice. But you don’t have to be. And one day you’ll find that giving to those whom you never had a choice to give to, giving from choice, not because you have to, makes you all the more you, not less. Giving is you. There’s just the boundary, of giving because you can, because you choose to and want to, not because you choose to and want to, not because you don’t have the right not to. I love you Eliza. I’m with you. I’m always with you and will always be. God is also with you Eliza. How much of your frustration that you are here, Eliza, is to do with god? How much is the guilt at being here, living? I don’t know the answer. You don’t have to know the answer. Just a thought. You are okay Eliza. Even if you hurt others. Even if you take away from others. Even if you are (existing, being, living). You are okay. And yes, god is with you. Because as much as you choose to connect, you will. As much as you tune into infinity, infinity is there. Always. Providing the backdrop for existence. Putting the world in place. Giving the stability you’re so grateful for. I love you Eliza. You deserve it. You deserve to just be. And one day you’ll actually believe that. Or better yet, know it.

Luv ya

Eliza

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