Letter to myself: 8th September ’17

Dear Eliza

What do you want me to say to you? Only you can talk to yourself. Which I guess you’re doing right now. I know you’re stuck. I don’t know what to say. I see the 2 options so clearly. Use more. Don’t use more. Use more and you don’t know where it leads. You don’t know what happens if anything happens. Don’t use more than you aren’t risking anything. Use more – you are playing with the risk. Don’t use more – you aren’t playing with it. Use more, you want to play with it. Don’t use more, you don’t want to play with it. The contradiction flying. Everything is contradictory. there’s never just one side. But both. The side that wants to play with fire and the side that wants life and safety. The ping pong game. With you the ball. I’m sorry. I’m sorry it’s so hard. I don’t know what to say. I wish it would be easier. I love you Eliza. Always and forever.. I’m with you. Always and forever. Remember that you deserve life, love and happiness. Remember that you are special. Remember that you can and will get there. Remember that you can do this. You can be the best person possible. Whatever you do I love you. Yes, even if you go and use still more now when you’ve already used the most you ever have. It’s not all about using. Even though that takes over everything else at the moment. Love you, Eliza. Eliza.

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