Letter to myself: 26th July ’17

Dear Eliza

It’s so much easier to mess up. To test the boundaries (of safety with painkillers). I know how much you want to. How much you feel it’s a need. I don’t know what to tell you. I can’t promise you that it’s worth it not to, for I just don’t know. I can tell you though, that people have done this before you. That however much it seems impossible to leave the tunnel you’re trapped in, especially when you aren’t ready to get up, people have done it before you. You have more power and strength than you believe. I know that using is safer. I know that the painkillers cloud everything over in a sense. I know that you can’t face dealing with the world at the moment. Just know that you aren’t alone. That you have the ability to get past this. And that you deserve life. I know you don’t believe that. But you do. You deserve to live. You deserve to be okay. You’re worth it. Even as you’re messing up you’re worth it.

Don’t judge yourself for messing up your own life. It’s okay. You weren’t prepared to want to and didn’t have the way to deal with anything other than doing what has worked in the past. I know it’s not working anymore – using. I know that nothing can ever be enough. I wish I could just lift you up, high up, and drop you down in the greenery and beauty that life can be. I can’t. And I know it doesn’t seem possible to get there. I can’t promise that it is. For I don’t know that it is. Possible. But, you’re not the first person doing this. You’ve always got me with you. I believe in you. And being that I am you, you’ll always have someone who believes you can do it. For you can.

Remember those sayings that you used to quote over and over?

go as long as you can, and then take another step1802587745..jpg

‘Go as long as you can, and then take another step.’Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase2

‘Faith is taking the first step even if you can’t see the full staircase’.

I know you feel that you aren’t walking. You’re staying stuck and the longer you use, the more stuck you are getting. It could be true. And that’s okay. Yes, it is okay. For you are doing your best. Even if that means just messing your life up, and not crossing the line of safety that you want to cross. I don’t know if you brought yourself here or not, but it is irrelevant. For right now this is where you are. And when you’re ready to try again, you’ll try again. Yes, you’ll have to stop using. Coz’ using isn’t safe. I know you want to pretend you don’t know that and rationalize how it’s okay. But however much you use it’ll never be enough, unless you kill yourself whilst doing so. I know you don’t know if you want that. I know that you promised to give life a go, and that’s why you want to stay safe. And to see. It’s okay. Whatever you do, it’s okay. You’re always worth it. And you’ll always be able to get to another side, however impossible it seems. I believe in you always, and am with you.

Eliza – yourself.

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