Letter to myself: 17th March ’18

I’m sad. Disappointed with myself. Took a couple of codeine. it doesn’t do anything, but, whatever. Gonna try write to myself.

Dear Eliza

I love you.

You didn’t fail, you know. Taking 3 codeine’s isn’t failing. Even if you went and used 50 cocodamol you wouldn’t have failed. Whatever happens, you’ll never have failed. You’ve only failed if you don’t continue on. If you don’t give yourself a chance. If you don’t move onwards. You deserve to be okay. I don’t know why especially now. Why now you took it when you could’ve always. I don’t know if it wrecks your count. Not that I know where the count is up to. Since you’ve last used cocodamol. You didn’t really take anything now, but that’s not the point, for if you’d taken it for pain it’d be okay. Taking it to see what’d happen, or that’s the rationalization anyways, is not okay. I don’t know how it’s affected you. Made you dizzy, maybe? Made your throat sore? Created a distance, kinda floating? I don’t know.

I know you want to just feel. To live in the world. Instead of a washed out version. To really live in the world. To be able to tune into it. And be mindful. And feel like when you’re focusing on the trees you actually are focusing on the trees instead of kinda just seeing them. Not sure how to put it into words. I love you Eliza. Even if there is a disconnect that you can’t bridge and really want to.

I don’t know what to say. You’re spacing out. You never focus for long, I know that. And it’s okay, it’s always. You’re all (all being your family) really distractable. I’m sorry you’re hurting.

Eliza, don’t make this into an issue. Please. Let it be a one off and move on. Or keep it for when, make that if, you ever go back to using cocodamol. For then you can get paracetamol and use this with it.

Will you ever be able to throw away all that you’ve ‘saved’? Will you ever be able to at least give it away and not have it at hand, always beckoning? I know it’s not a real issue. For you’ve never used them. The cocodamol you have prepared. And I know you hope you’ll never use them. Just need to know you have it for security. I’ve got your back. I love you Eliza. I’m with you. Always

You deserve to be okay Eliza. You don’t have to wreck it. I know today you were able to tune in just a little bit more to the world. You don’t need to wreck it Eliza. You don’t need to destroy it. You can live in the world. Yeah it’ll be hard, and I know how much you want it, however hard it’d be. You don’t have to destroy it. You don’t. Trust me on this Eliza, you don’t need to ruin the good in your life. You deserve to be okay. And even if you don’t deserve it, try to be, for the people around who if you’ll be okay you’ll be able to give to.

Try and sleep. Really I’d say distract with something but you’re too unfocused to watch, or do, anything.

Love you Eliza.

Eliza.

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