I want to just be. And I want to just journal.

I want to journal. I want to be. They’re not really contradictory to be honest. I really like what he said to me. That he thinks that when I write there is a certain part of me that is present. For I’ve never been able to put it into words that well. And it’s true. So I want to write. For I like that kind of being present. But I also want to just, be. I’m looking outside and it’s awesome. The blue sky. It’s peaceful. It’s calm. I don’t remember the last time I was this, at peace. And I want to just be with it. I could go outside. I rather be lazy and stay inside.My room is as peaceful as outside, and inside I won’t be afraid of the creatures. I can see if a creature comes. So I opened my journal to write, but was getting distracted by the awesomeness outside, and also I just want to be with it, and can’t do both. So decided to come here, onto my blog, to write here, because then I can do both. Write, and let myself write. And just be with the peace. I can do both. For I don’t think when I write. I just ramble. And let my pen, or in this case fingers, do the talking for me. And it’s interesting, for I correct my typos without looking too. Sometimes. I usually can sense when I’ve fingered in correctly.

I was once journaling. About how frustrated I was that I wanted to journal and couldn’t write anything, for there was nothing to say, no way for me to say anything. Someone replied to me about it, that I’d done exactly that. Journalled. Journaling doesn’t have to be about anything. When I’m on my blog it’s usually about something. But it doesn’t have to be about anything. It could be about the happy birthday balloon I see in the trees outside my window. I had my window open, and the balloon that someone bought flew out the window, got tangled and popped in the branches, and is out there fluttering in the breeze. It’s cute, for this person is the only person I’d have appreciated it from. Actually, a few other people, too. Had some other people bought it for me, bought me a balloon, I would have been a bit ‘come off it already’. That was actually my reaction to it. Until I saw the note beside it and who it was from. Maybe that ain’t the nicest of me. Some people on SF actually remembered my birthday. I was so touched!

It’s really awesome outside. I love the peace. Hey, I should put my stuff in the dryer. I put my bedding in the wash this morning. Yay me :). Ugh. I hate doing washing. Seems a waste of time. Hang on, gonna go and do it now. Back. It’s done! Dryer is on, bedding was put on before, but someone had turned it off so had to turn it on again. Looking at my nail varnish stand to choose a colour nail varnish to wear. Haven’t worn the one third shelf up second to the left in a long while. Not sure the quality though. Hmm, trying to decide. I want a more naturalish colour. The middle shelf are my random natural colours. Also bottom shelf I’ve 2 more natural colours. And 2nd to bottom I have one. Okay, gonna wear, hmm, decided :) I’ve never done this before. It’s cute in a way to write as I think through what colour nail varnish to wear. Yeah, I take forever to decide :) Do the same getting dressed in the morning too.

I want to watch a movie. But, I don’t want to. As it’s so peaceful. I want to just enjoy this peace whilst it lasts. Hey, you know, that’s cool. Yeah, I know I said the other day something is cool too. But it is. It really, really is. And you know, typing is fun. Coz I don’t need to concentrate much on it at all. I can space out, which I do, I can enjoy the view, which I do, and just don’t need to look at what I’m doing. When I write I have to be looking at what I’m doing. Here, I’m lying down on my bed, laptop on me, typing whilst gazing out the window. Oh, yeah, did I say I’m typing at the same time? I make plenty of spelling mistakes. It’s not that I don’t. Sometimes when I pause I correct them. I don’t usually read through what I write to make sure it makes sense. I rarely do that, to be honest, don’t have the patience. I often reread it to read it though. Coz’ I don’t know beforehand what I’ll write. And I often put things down that I never knew I was thinking. I often clarify things for myself. Or put it down in a way that just, I like what it says. It helps me to see it in words sometimes. Helps me to make sense of it. Yeah, I know it’s in my words. But, it’s different. Dunno, whatever. I haven’t ‘dunno, whatever’d when I’ve written in so long. I used to do it constantly. Make light of what I’ve said. Nixed it. Because of anything. Either because I’m scared of insulting someone. Or I’m scared I’m wrong. Or, mostly, I just feel really vulnerable, so want to nix it all, or make light of it. So just say ‘dunno, whatever’. In this case it means that what I’m saying is making me uncomfortable, it confuses me, and not really interested in working through it, so gonna leave off there. I guess ‘dunno, whatever’ can also mean ‘back off’.

I have a cool sign on my door that says back off. Well, in way more awesome words than just ‘back off’. A no trespassing sign. Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again. Hey, I should so get a sign with an image of a gun, or rifle, or whatever you use to shoot, to hand up on the door immediately opposite the door. So anyone who opens the door will see the sign on the door, and then see the gun sign. I can just imagine my families horror at that, but their horror would be fun to see. Well, it’ll only be fun if I’m in the room at the time to witness it.

I bought a new watch. I just need to tighten the strap to fit onto my hand. Someone asked me how many watches I had. My mum said 30. I told her no, it was only, hang on, let me count what’s in front of me. Oh, more than I thought. Gonna re-check. Well, there’s 19 there, another not on the stand, not sure where it is. But really, most of them don’t work. They need new batteries. You know, I don’t need to excuse needing another watch. I haven’t bought myself a watch, in, hmm, in a long time. It must be a long time for I can’t recall the last time I bought one. And, 3 of the watches on the stand I wouldn’t wear. I should give them to my sister. Then I’ve only 17. She’s wearing one today. I didn’t know that it worked. I haven’t worn a watch in a while. Oh and bought some really cute shoes. Havta decide which ones to keep. I’ve no clothes to wear. I mean that pretty literally. But at least I’ve watches and shoes :)

I feel like I’ve been writing forever. But really it’s only been half an hour. And not even yet. More like 25 minutes. It’s fun to ramble about nothing. I promise, it is! Not that you need my promise, you can just check it out on your own :) I need some more movies to watch. There are only a couple I have that I haven’t watched that I’m interested in watching. I like using DVD’s. Some of the ones I have I’ve watched over and over. Like Wild child. I know I can watch on youtube or free movie sites, or even on netflix, but I rather use DVD’s. I should really get myself a DVD player. Would love to. My room is actually pretty clear for once. Need some space to put some things but don’t have the space. Well, the shoes on the floor I can actually put on the shoe rack to be honest, but that means finding space (some are high, and my booties are on the top, they need the height, so will have to figure it out, but, tidying ain’t fun). Oh, I was good yesterday and called someone for some vitamins. I’ve been meaning to get the vitamins I need for a while. My GP told me a couple of weeks ago that he wanted me to take a blood test in a month to see if the levels have gone up, and it’s been 2 weeks, and, uh, um, uh, um. Well at least I ordered them now, and got them and will try remember to take them with the lymecycline. I’ve actually been taking the lymecycline for an entire week morning and evening now. I’m pretty proud of that. Can’t believe I’ve been religious about it. Thing is meant to take it morning and evening for EIGHT WEEKS. I’ll try… I’ll try… yeah, right. Well, you never know :) It’ll be pretty awesome if I manage to stick to it. Good for me to. To actually keep at something. It feels like forever. It’s a bit annoying to work it out and realize I’ve only been taking it for a week. That means I’ve only been back at work for a week and a half. And I feel like I’ve been working for forever too. I want a beak :) Well, S, my friend (I should really initial my friends different. Especially considering that I’ve 3 friends who have the same name. Okay, so S.H.) asked me if I wanted a break. She said to me that whenever I start work, 2 days later I’m already needing a break from it. What does that mean about work? Does that mean I should find a new job? Not really. I actually enjoy my job. And appreciate working in the same workplace that I’ve been working for 5 years. Yeah it can be draining. Yeah, it can be tough. And yeah at times I can’t focus on the students I teach at all and feel like I’m failing them, and yeah some days I just want to throw the towel in, and some days I feel like a fool, that I can’t handle a bunch of little kids, but for the most part I appreciate what I do.

What movies do you like?
I like chickflicks, well I think that’s the genre, and real stuff, and sometimes humour. Movies like Accepted, sleepover, wild child (did I mention wild child yet?) legally blondes, high school musicals, whip it, how to deal, it’s kind of a funny story, Easy A, Juno. Oh, dance movies too, footloose, bandslam, honey’s (shame they’re not the same characters), step ups (I bought them all and the box of 5 have disappeared). By real I mean like The help, In pursuit of happyness, shawshank redemption, life of pi, ron clark story, homeless to havard, ps I love you, blind side. I love kids ones too. Like hugo, inside out, parent trap, matilda, finding nemo, charlie and the chocolate factory, moana, little princess, princess of moonacre, sound of music, the bfg, friendz etc.
What movies do you like? I think I already asked. And I can’t actually believe that anyone will have read this far through my rambling. It says it’s 1966 words so far. I should really end it here. See if I can end it at 2000? I know, numbers… but it’s cool to keep to a number, you know?

So long, (did it!)

Eliza

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