I hate that I’m thinking this way but it helps me to put down my thoughts. And however much my blog is about reasons to live, the tagline is journey from suicidality. Well, this is part of my journey.
I’m not suicidal. I don’t plan on killing myself. I don’t even want to. I just, want to want. I’m not making any plans. Not like I don’t think of it ever, but it’s theoretical, and the fantasies are way less frequent. So, I should be grateful that I’m not suicidal at the moment. And, I am. Don’t get me wrong. I’m really grateful. At the moment though, I can’t see anything wrong with ending it. So, you’re missing out on all that could be. You’re missing out on all the reasons to live. You’re missing out on the other side. You’re missing out on a life of beauty because of the pain now. I know it all, yet, so what? So damn what? It’s okay. I’m glad I don’t want to end my life right now. For it’d be a struggle. And I’m glad I’m not gonna cause pain to my family, force them to mourn me.
Yet, I want to be suicidal.
Right now, my life is a mess. I can’t even define for you how or why. I don’t know how it is. I don’t know why it is. I don’t honestly know what’s going on. For really all is perfect. In some ways, in many ways, I’m way more okay than I ever was. I’m handling many parts of life in ways I couldn’t ever before. There’s this big YET. This, ‘something’ that I’ve absolutely no clue about. And it’s not like all is perfect. I know what needs to change. I know I want to learn what emotions are, how to identify them, how to be okay with them, how to handle them. I want to learn what boundaries are. I want to expect ‘normal’ stuff from people and be able to handle when they don’t meet it. I want to believe there can be an ‘I’. I want to believe and know that I’m worth it, that I’m not guilty for living and being. I want to come to terms with a world and love the world. I know what I want to be different. I know what has changed already. I’m living in the world. I understand way more about boundaries. I’m not messing up. I’m on occasion keeping my boundaries. I’m giving to others in a healthy way. I’m asking for what I want and sometimes getting it. There is change. And there’s this big ‘YET’.
I’m tired. Tired of trying so hard. It just so doesn’t seem worth it. And I don’t want to end it. And I want to be suicidal. Because, if ending my life were an option I saw, I’d at least have an option. At the moment I don’t see any options. Any options at all. I don’t know what to do. There isn’t really anything I can do. Except remain tired. And if I were suicidal, at least I’d have an option. To end it. I’m not sure why I don’t see it as an option. I know there are people that would say that’s progress. That’s change too. I’m not sure why it’s a good change though. And as I said so many times, I’m tired. Just tired. The ‘tomorrow is another day’ hasn’t yet made the tomorrow be an okay day.
And I’ll want to delete this for something I love about my blog is that however negative it is, there’s always the underlying positivity beneath it. I don’t see what’s positive here.
So long as there’s life, there’s hope. A tagline of mine. Even if I’m not sure what the hope is meant to represent.
Edit/note: I never realised how much AH (therapist I was skyping) gave to me until really recently, until he left. It may be good that he did – leave that is – yet he took away so much with that, too.