Usually, in the past, the primary reason I have self harmed is either as an escape, or more recently, as an attempt to listen to the part that wants, needs, self destruction. It comes with an intensity. I really need that intensity now.
I was freaking out earlier, I decided to journal through it by writing to myself, I guess I didn’t feel safe enough to for I cut off from it. I often do that but for some reason I care now about it. Maybe because I am beginning to want to live in the world, to be present in the world, instead of living in my head or cutting off or escaping. So now I want to self harm. It will do the opposite of what I want. I just want the intensity. I don’t know what I want it for. I don’t know how to get it. I don’t know how to handle it.
Going to try sleep. Try just breathe. I really want that intensity……
I would love any/all thoughts on this….