He left.

I’m in tears here. And, it’s okay. I’m allowed to cry.

I’m rewriting all the letters I wrote to myself out in a separate journal. I have them all over, dotted through my journals (and considering that I use on average a new journal every 2 months, sometimes less, sometimes more), and in various places online. I want them all together.

I just wrote out this letter http://elizareasonstolive.com/wp/letter-to-myself-27th-january/. I didn’t know what it would be about. It was a letter in which I wrote what I was thinking about AH, the therapist I was skyping. In which I was telling myself to give it a chance, and to tell him just how scared I was about him leaving, about the fact that he’ll end up leaving. I sent him the link to it. I knew how important it was to share it with him. He left me a voice message. Telling me that he would try not to let me push him away. That he wouldn’t leave. That I’m right that I’m strong enough to handle it if he does, but that I wouldn’t need to handle it, because he plans on sticking by me. I listened to that message over and over again. It was still something we discussed (the fact that I’d push him away, although it was never conscious, and the fact that I didn’t want to etc, and how important the relationship was), we kinda discussed it to the earth’s ends.

He lied. He told me he wouldn’t leave. He did. He told me so many times that he wouldn’t, not just in that message, although that message was the most important to me. He lied. He left. Just like every other person. He left knowing just how important it was to me. He left knowing that he was the only safety net there was in my life. He left knowing – for I’d told him before – that if we ever ended it, I wouldn’t try again. He left. I’m not even blaming him. I don’t blame him. I understand him. Why would he want to stick around? Yet, he left. I don’t care what I did or didn’t do. I don’t care how much I confused him. I don’t care because, considering that’s what we were trying to deal with, if I was pushing him away, which I’ve no choice but to believe I was, he should’ve shown me I was doing it. And if he honestly thought I wanted to end it, well then I guess it’s a good thing he left. Because I’d told him a week prior and shown him, and he’d acknowledged, just how much we’d built a working relationship. Could he honestly have thought I wanted to end it? I don’t know. He ended it. Not me. I know he’ll say differently, but it wasn’t different.

He told me I had to choose whether to continue, when what I had said to him was no different to anything else I’d said to him constantly, I’d often said the same things, why was it different now? I replied and told him what I needed. Although what I needed was surface. What I was saying was that I didn’t feel safe. He should have understood why. I shouldn’t have to have figured it out weeks later. He should have understood just how vulnerable I’d made myself in the previous weeks, obviously this wasn’t going to feel safe. He said we shouldn’t speak that week. He took a break for a week (ignoring what he’d told me he’d do) and then emailed asking if I wanted to continue. I replied yes. He told me he thought we should keep it to email. A few days later he emailed asking how I was. I happened not to be online for the next week. I came back on to find another email from him saying he was assuming I was ending it. Hello? I never said I wanted to end it. I didn’t plan on ending it. I told him so. But now it’s anyways a couple of months later. And it’s way too late. He ended it. Honestly, he’s shown me that he can’t handle me, that I’m ‘too much’ for him. Honestly, there’s enough he did/didn’t do that wasn’t great. Like not remembering what I’d written. Like not reading every word I wrote and making faux pas because of that. Like not telling me when he didn’t understand something (despite my repeated requests to tell me when he didn’t understand). Like not acknowledging when I was hurt. Like not responding to the important stuff, or explaining to me exactly where the boundaries were meant to lie. That doesn’t take away all he did give me. He put up with me. I would’ve thought he was able to handle me, for, he did. He stuck by me. He called me when I wouldn’t call him. He was in touch when I wasn’t. He didn’t let me push him away. Which makes it all the more strange that he found me ‘too much’ now, when I actually wasn’t pushing him away, but was trying to tell him what I needed, when I was trying to take charge of my part. He actually built a kinda working relationship with me, which for me, is something I never would’ve thought possible. That was enough to way against all he wasn’t doing. Yet, he left. I didn’t know that the letter I was copying out was going to be that, else I’d have probably left those pages blank and if I wanted to write out the next one done that, or left it until I could handle it.

I haven’t processed what happened with AH. I guess to an extent I have, through all the journaling I’ve done. Through S and M listening to all I’ve said. Yet, I haven’t. I haven’t made sense of it. I don’t know how to process it. I don’t know how to be ‘okay’ with it. I don’t know where I could’ve done anything differently. I don’t know how I could’ve reacted differently when he opened the door. I don’t know IF I could’ve done anything differently. To me, it’s obvious that this was all my fault. That really I pushed him away and that if not for me he wouldn’t have left. I guess there is 2 sides. His side too. His side that I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

I know that, he left. After all the times he told me wouldn’t. He left And here I am sitting in tears. I guess as I said last night, I’m grateful that I can cry http://elizareasonstolive.com/wp/one-hundred-and-six-the-ability-to-cry/. Although all I know at the moment in that he left, he walked out a door I never knew existed.

He left.

Eliza

6 thoughts on “He left.

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  1. I am so sorry to hear about your painful experience. When I gather enough courage to reach my hand out in trust to someone for support, and I get stung, part of me says, “See??! This is why I can’t trust anyone! They’re all the same! I will only get hurt if I ever trust again!” And that part of me is right, on several counts. It’s extremely likely that everyone I know will, at one time or another, let me down or hurt me in some way (most of them, unintentionally, but nonetheless… we are all fallible humans). But there is a Being that I am getting to know, a Higher Power whom I choose to call God, who NEVER LEAVES ME. I may push Him away, or my strong emotions of pain, anger, or fear may block me from feeling His Presence, but I’m learning to trust that He will never leave me to face my perils alone. So, I continue to practice speaking my truth, setting boundaries, and stepping forward in courage and faith… and I surrender my desired outcome to Him, knowing that when I’m in pain, there’s always someone sent into my life to hold that space for me while I grieve. I am sending you supportive and loving energy.

  2. So sorry this happened to you Eliza. I hope you find the right therapist. There are all kinds of people out there and the right one will be there. In the meantime, have you ever read the book, “Arriving at Your Own Door” by Jon Kabat-Zinn. If you haven’t then give it a read. He’s written a lot of good books, but this one is just a few lines per page and it’s so calming to read before going to sleep.

    1. It looks interesting. And costs way too much for the moment :( Someone just recommended the book Addiction to Perfection, and someone else recommended The Subtle Art of not giving a F*ck, and just ordered a book. Overwhelmed with all the choice, and not sure which one I should get first….
      I don’t know if I want to try therapy again… although, I’m beginning to think maybe, whereas it was ‘never’.

      1. Books are so expensive. My daughter has mine and she enjoys it so much that I’m just going to give it to her. What I usually do with books is get them from the library and if I really think they are a keeper then I buy on sale. I think I got my copy from Amazon years’ ago for like $7.00 and now it’s $13 or higher. I’ve never had therapy, but I wish when I was younger and confused that I would have had it. I did it on my own and I don’t recommend that.

        1. Will see if the library can get it in.
          I’m not sure if therapy just works better on your own. Without people who hurt you. I don’t know anything at the moment. Just confused ;).

  3. Different story. Same story. Same outcome. Different outcome. Is this just the story of therapy? Could we write it together? Or even the how-to manual for achieving heartbreak for those who can’t find it other way? I bet this is just the way. They’re not in it for us. But if not, then who? “He lied. He told me he wouldn’t leave. He did. He told me so many times that he wouldn’t…” and she told me… Is this just the therapists’ way? Ok, different stories. But same stories just the same. Hmm mm just funny I guess. But Eliza, I listen to you. And I feel the same betrayal. And I wonder where now to go.

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