I want to use at the moment. Triggered majorly by being under the weather, by the physical symptoms of being under the weather mirroring the physical effect that using as much as I was had on me. I know that using would send me spiraling and probably bring me back to being actively suicidal. At the moment I’m okay with being here. Yeah there are times when I think about suicide, there are times when I visualize how I would end it, there are times I wonder and think about the ramifications and effect. But they are just, moments in time. As a general, I want to live, I want to see what another side can look like, I want to get to a place of being okay in this world, being okay with myself in this world, feeling safe in this world. As a general, I’m okay being here. I’m used to the constant struggle, I wish it weren’t so, but, it is. I dream of getting to a place of calm. I don’t dream of happiness. Happiness is elusive. I dream of okay-ness. I dream of serenity. I dream of peace. I believe all of it to be possible. I was thinking about using. I still do want to. I can’t promise that I never will. Using wouldn’t have any affect on me physically, as, the symptoms are already in place….. I’m dizzy enough as it is. Clouded over enough. The only thing it may do is stop my throat, eye and head from hurting. Nothing negative there….. Using just a few probably will be okay (my definition of a few). Yet using will probably also send me spiraling. I somehow know that just a few won’t be just a few. Even if I keep to my just a few (which I know in and of itself would freak people and is classically considered OD’ing), what will be tomorrow? Will I be able to stay away tomorrow if I’ve used tonight? Probably not. If I say it’s okay now, it’s okay tomorrow. If it’s okay tomorrow, it’s okay the next day. If I start, I havta follow the plan I’ve made. Not the plan to end it. The plan I have for testing how far using can be safe. Whether it’s possible to live within the parameters that I’ve set. Whether it’d kill me or not. Although it wouldn’t be in order to end my life, it has the possibility of doing just that.
There are people in the world who need me here. No, I’m not indispensable. Yet I know that there are people who need me here. I don’t mean long term. I mean at this moment in time. For example, the primary person I’m thinking of is someone I’ll be visiting in just over a couple of weeks. Someone who wants me to be there with her, for her. I’m actually looking forward to it – although I know I may find it hard too. If I use now, if I will be using the amounts I think I would tomorrow and every day thereafter, I may be present for her physically – but emotionally I’d be a major wreck and have no way of being there for her. I want to be there for her. I want to be there for other people. I work with people. Yeah there are times that I can’t be there for the people I work with. I almost always feel like I’m failing them, for I’m not giving my all at all, I actually can’t. I want to be there for them. I want to be able to be there for others.
I started this post, and got interrupted, then finished it. I hope it actually makes sense as I don’t have the head-space to read through it and make sure it flows.
That’s my fifty eighth reason. To be there for others.