3 Day Quote Challenge – Day 1

Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
  • Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
  • Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.

Thank you Anita!

For Day 1, my quote is ‘Go as long as you can, then take another step’

go as long as you can, and then take another step1802587745..jpg

I’m choosing this quote as it is what stood by me through some tough times. It became my byline. Go as long as you can. Then take another step. Sometimes that step was just standing still. Sometimes that step meant just not crossing any lines. Sometimes that step meant doing something brave and courageous. Just another step.

Come join the challenge (if you’re interested ;) – I don’t know if you do these or not…)

Amber
Josh
Rachel

Eliza

Eighty Five: Going backwards to go forwards

I’m not sure why I feel like I’ve written something like this before, either way.

I was actually discussing this with someone, I was trying to tell her why it isn’t necessarily wrong to go backwards.
Sometimes you have to go backwards in order to go forwards. Like when you pull back the bow to give the arrow momentum to get even further. I was actually sharing with her the fact that I was fighting (I didn’t give her details), that I was fighting the fact that god was in control, to the extent that I was wrecking my life. Yeah, the things I use will and does wreck my life (in this case it was painkillers, a month before it’d been food, and was debating self harming a lot). Pretty literally. And I want(ed?) control enough, however futile it may be, that I’ll destroy myself to exert it. I was telling her that at the same time I knew that however much it may be going backwards, it was and is also going forwards. For, I was fighting….. If I was fighting it means I was gonna get somewhere when I’d stop fighting. It means I’m fighting something that when I stop fighting I’ll be able to use to help me. For why do you fight? The only time a person, definitely myself, fights a concept, is when I know it to be true. Else I don’t need to fight it. Like I don’t hate someone I’ve no connection with. They’re irrelevant to me. So fighting, even if I was destroying myself over it, was going backwards. To go forwards. Was using, yeah, but in order that at some point I can use the same need in order not to use.

I’m not fighting the fact that someone created me and has control as much as I was. I’m not sure why not. Maybe I’ve come to some sort of acceptance that won’t last (until I work through it)? Shouldn’t be negative about that. I do hope it lasts. Just trying not to expect anything. Trying to know that this is now, and hopefully it’ll last and it’s okay if I fight it again. I’ve not been using. I know it’s correlated (for in this case I was using because I wanted to prove that I was in control, for I knew that if I let whatever is in control take charge I don’t need to use, for there is a power greater than me that can sort my life out, so therefore I had to use, to prove that I was in control. It actually makes some sense, however convoluted it may be). I don’t need to prove my control at this moment. I still have to work through my anger with god. I still have to work through how much it bothers me that he’s in control. I have to work through my need for control (though that’s way later in the game). I have to come to understand why the world was created. I have to understand why I was created. At least understand it enough – I have to be able to accept it. Accept the fact that there is a power greater than me. Accept the fact that I’m here in this world even though at the moment I’m angry with god for creating me. When I’m ready to handle it, I will work through it. That day isn’t today. I’ll know when I’m able to. And, I will get there. (For this moment I accept that I don’t understand, and that when I’m ready to work through it hopefully I will understand, and that either way, I can use what I know to help me, rather than to destroy me.)

Yeah, you can go backwards. As long as you keep your eye on the goal. I can go backwards. The path up a mountain sometimes goes down in order to avoid those boulders that it wouldn’t be safe to cut a path through. My goal is the top of the mountain. Right now the path is pretty rocky. It isn’t heading up or down. I can’t tell you how fast I’m moving along the path either, for I don’t know.
The goal, my goal, is to live life on life’s terms, to be able to handle living life on life’s terms, to love living life on life’s terms. To just be okay with the journey. Which, sometimes I’m doing more and sometimes I’m doing less. More of the ‘less’ than the ‘more’ but I’m beginning to believe that it may be possible. A case in point is the past few days. Which, were tough. I ditched some work yesterday. Haven’t done all I need to for work. And it’s okay. Coz’ I’m LIVING with it. I’m present for it. I don’t know how to put into words just how major that is for me. That I’m actually living with the reality (even as I’m not always able to handle it. I am handling it, sort of). I realized that when I was trying to remember if things have ever been as intense as they were the other night (I freaked out on AH, completely freaked out, and being that I wasn’t talking, at all, could’t, he didn’t know what was going on). They have never been that hard. Haven’t been as drained from freaking out to that extent in a long time. Why not though? Because I’d never have lived through it. I’d have been living in my own world of fantasy and using whatever it was that I was in the mood of using at the time. I’d have cut off, tuned out, escaped, whatever it took. I wouldn’t have known that I was freaking. And if I was aware I would have run away, turned off skype, definitely not stayed with it and stuck through it, however tough it was, and however vulnerable I feel that he saw me in freak out mode. So yeah, life is a learning curve. Life is a curve. Recovery is a curve. Take some steps back and take some steps forward. Sometimes all we can do is stay where we are and do our best to stay safe and not let ourselves cross anymore lines than we have (thinking of the letter I was copying out today with that. Wrote that letter when I was using, and knew that my best for the moment was not to cross the line of safety. Not to use all the painkillers I had and take away all hope). And sometimes we go backwards. We can always use that to go forwards though. And know at the time that we can. Accept ourselves whilst we’re doing it, and know that whilst there is life, there is hope (where does that saying come from?). For where there is life, there is hope.
​Been rambling. Again.

I wrote this as post. Then realized that in reality, it’s a reason too.

Eliza

Dialogue about suicide – 14th Sept ’16

I know I’m random posting some old stuff… but I like the stuff, so it’s getting here. Hope others do too.
Eliza, if I give you the option to die right now would you take it?
Yes. No hesitations
If I tell you that I have the way for you to kill yourself, that would definitely work, would you do it?
I think yes. Though somehow I’d have to think through ending it myself more than it ending
Why would you hesitate
coz’ I guess maybe in some ways I want to live
so why would you let it be ended definitely but would hesitate about being the one to end it?
coz’ there god is choosing for me.
Oh. I didn’t know that I care about god at all
Is that the only reason you wouldn’t end it?
I don’t know. I would end it. I’d just think about it first.
What would you first be thinking about
Whether it’s really worth it. Whether, maybe I would have the strength to get to another side
So why would you end it?
Coz’ I DON’T have the strength. But I’d think about it first.
What else would you be thinking about
The loss
The loss?
yeah. The loss
What do you mean by that? The loss to what?
Life
So you want life?
NO! NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO, NO, NO NO NO
Okay Eliza, calm down. You don’t need to want it.
It feels wrong not to
Okay.
What loss would you be thinking about? I don’t understand what you mean.
That there’s no more opportunity, no more hope, no more ability to give to others, no more chance to change the world for it’d be final. I’d be gone.
Yet you’d choose still to end it?
Yes, coz’ the loss isn’t worth it
What else to you mean by ‘the loss’?
I don’t know. That if I’d kill myself I’d never have been able to do what I was here for. That is why I want god to end it more than I want to, for then I didn’t make that choice. Someone once told me that killing myself is murder. I don’t know about that. It’s not enough to stop me, but, yet I do care in a way. I don’t know…
So what is stopping you now?
coz’ I promised to try. And if I don’t try I’ll never know what could have been. I don’t know. For, that kind of means that I believe it could change and I don’t, but I also want to believe in hope.
So what do you believe in?
Cruelty. Betrayal. Pain. Disregard for others
Huh?
I don’t know. Didn’t mean to say that.
So why did you commit to try?
Coz’, I don’t know. Maybe in some ways I do think there’s another way
Another way to what?
I don’t know to what. Just another way
Another? Other than what?
That suicide doesn’t have to be the only answer. Maybe there’s another answer. If I don’t try I’ll never know
And you want there to be another answer?
I don’t know if I do. It’s like, no, I don’t, I just want to end it right f***ing now, but there’s also another voice that I can’t hear
And what is this voice saying?
That if I don’t try I’ll never get to another side. If I never get to another side I’ll never be able to help others
And you want to help others?
Yes
If you can’t ever help others would you hold on? Or try?
I think not. What would be the point?
You tell me
There would be no point. why would I try for me? That’s not worth it. But if maybe I can give to others, I don’t know. It’s still not worth it, but it’s all I can think of
And that’s the only reason you’d try?
Yes
Why else do you want to live?
I don’t
kay, so why else wouldn’t you kill yourself?
no other reason
So if someone would give you the option of definite suicide the only loss you’ll think of is what you could’ve given to others?
Yes
What other losses could there be?
There isn’t.
What else could you lose?
Nothing. Don’t care about anything else. Like what? That I won’t get married, raise a family? So? Why would I want to bring children into the world anyways?
To live
And what? Let them live life?? Why would I be so cruel?
Coz’ maybe it’s not cruel. I mean, look at all the people constantly giving birth, do you think they’re all cruel?
In a way yes. Not completely
So why don’t you think they’re cruel? What reason would you give to me if I were asking?
Coz maybe there’s also joy in life
So this joy takes away the cruelty?
No. Because there’s no meaning to it.
No meaning?
No. It’s not like it were for a purpose. There can be no purpose to life. Other than cruelty.
So you’re saying that the fact that anyone is alive is sadism?
Yes
What about all those who think differently to you? You think they’re fooling themselves?
In a way yes. I guess not everyone can be. But maybe they can. I don’t know. I don’t know what they see differently.
But you know that others do see it differently?
Yes, coz’ otherwise they would have ended it, the world wouldn’t be here, population of the world, I mean.
So obviously there is some purpose?
No. They could just not have thought about it.
So all those who are alive are either dumb or foolish?
I didn’t say that. I don’t know. I don’t.
Maybe they see some purpose to living that you don’t.
Maybe. But who cares what others see? That doesn’t make a difference to me now.
Maybe it should. Maybe if so many people view things differently, you could perhaps one day too
Who cares about that?? What’s the difference it maybe one day I may perhaps, theoretically, possibly think differently?
You tell me. What difference does it make?
That maybe it’s not hopeless. Maybe there could be meaning.
But I don’t think that can make it worth it to live now for that maybe one day
Yet you still haven’t killed yourself
Right. Coz I promised
And before then. Why not?
I guess somewhere I believe that maybe, I don’t know, I can’t write it coz’ it’s too impossible. But maybe, I don’t know, whatever
What do you think could be possible?
Nothing
For someone else, not for you.
To get to another side. To see meaning. To believe in hope. To help others be who they can. To be nice/good/worthy/deserving.

Eighty Three: T.C.

I don’t know what I ever did to deserve having you in my life.

Thank you. For being here. For believing in me when I don’t. For adding sunshine to my life, and for never failing to make me smile.

You are someone super special. You know those quotes that say live today for one day you may inspire someone to continue living. That’s what you do. Luv ya T.

Love and light,

E

Change

I wasn’t sure whether to post this as a reason, so I’m linking my previous reason here http://elizareasonstolive.com/sixty-two-change/

Change.
I’m scared of change. I hate change. I want what I know.
All is good. It’s interesting, for according to AH, what I wrote (I sent him a link to what I wrote elizareasonstolive.com/letter-to-myself-25th-march-18/) he replied that it’s cautiously optimistic. I would have said freaking awesome lol. So yeah it’s good. Not necessarily always easy. The good comes with what’s hard. It’s good. Change. Life changes. I don’t want change. I hate change. I’m scared of change. Did I say this all already? I want what I know… what I know is familiar to me. I know how to handle everything. I know what to expect. I know what happens. I know, for example. that if I’d go enter an email account that I don’t have access to, that I wonder if I can hack into, I’ll rp, I’ll feel guilty and confused. I’ll hate myself. And want more. I won’t consider rp’ing through words enough. Unless I listen to what I’m told. In which case it would be pictures/camming too. It’d have to be. It’d have to be complete. Instant. Which it won’t necessarily be. I’ll be obsessing. Constantly checking for replies. Trying to get what can never be enough. I know what happens if I rp. I know what happens if I watch bdsm/abdl. It’ll actually lead to me fighting self harming. Though when I want to self harm I’ll wonder why I want to and think it has nothing to do with what I watched. I know what happens when. I know what to expect. Did I say that I hate change yet? I think hate isn’t strong enough. Abhor fits it better. Despise. Did I say that I’m scared of change? I think scared is wrong. Terrified. Freaking petrified. Change. Life changes in a good way. I’m okay. I’m not used to it. I wonder actually if that had anything to do with messing with the codeine I found. My friend laughed when I told her I had a sheet with one so automatically took it instead of throwing it out when it’d be a waste. I asked her what someone who wasn’t me would do… she said throw it out. Or keep the sheet with just one for when it was needed. I was trying to clean my room so was clearing up. But it isn’t the same as it used to be. For if I’d take one it’d have to have been more. I’m doing things I couldn’t in the past. Things that would mean I’d use (like blowdrying or curling my hair) so I didn’t do or only did with people around me, and even then it let to wanting to burn, or actually doing so, which it doesn’t mean now. It doesn’t mean I don’t mess up or struggle at all. It’s actually probably better this way. That it’s not all hunky dory. For then there’d have to be a major drop. As I said, I feel like I’ve fallen off a cliff and I have no clue what lies at the bottom. Well, there are rocks there too. I can direct myself there. There’s the cliff face I can push myself onto. There’s the familiar, the known, that however much it hurts, I know it. I know what to expect. I’m scared of change. Terrified of it. I abhor it. Despise it. Change frightens me. For I don’t know what will be. I am living in the moment. Just living with what is. Appreciating it and am oh so grateful for it. I’m still not getting sleep. The days, the world, is way too intense for me. And I know that the world is way more intense than I’m experiencing it right now. I’m living in a world of colour, but it’s muted colour. It’s scary to realize that it gets way more intense than this, when I don’t yet know that I can get to grips with this. I’m trying to give myself time and space. Trying to spend time with people too. Trying to get out every day. Have to still go out today, been in the kitchen most the day. I got my niece to fall asleep on me. It brought with it a mix of emotions. That’s change too. I never would know what I felt. I may not really know now. But I know it’s kind of, I want that. I want my own kids. Yet, I can’t. I’m not there yet. Any relationship I have to have I wreck. I’ve done it always. And nearly wrecking it with AH, showed me just how much needs to be different before I can date the kind of person I want to. I’d never want to marry a guy who would put up what I’d do to him now (best part is that it’s unintentional. I don’t try to push away anyone who I want to be in my life. I just do.) Besides that I don’t know what I want from a guy. There’s change too. I worked it out with AH. I’m on speaking terms with him. I’m scared of change. Yet I’m grateful for it. They’re both true. I want to go back to what I know. I want to stay with the new and see where life takes me. Both true. That hasn’t yet changed. The contradictions in every single aspect of life. I wonder if it ever will. Unify itself. If I’ll ever live without the duality, without being pulled, constantly, in two opposing directions. So yeah, change. I hate change. I’m not sure how often to say that. It just needs the emphasis. Yet, I’m okay with it. I hope I stay okay enough with it to stay with it. Not to wreck it in order to go back to what I know. For now it’s about this moment in time. It’s about living in the present (which with the film that is still there it’s hard to do). It’s about choosing the right thing. Trying to acknowledge and accept what I want. And live with it. So yeah I don’t want to see what can be as I’m scared. And that’s okay. I’m scared. And it’s okay to be scared. Doesn’t mean I have to do anything about it.

So long,

Eliza

Reasons: A universe to discover.

I’m an Aspie. This makes me part of the lucky ones: those who never ever get bored. How could one get bored when there are so many things to learn and master, to discover, create and invent, to enjoy, TO BE PASSIONATE ABOUT!

Enthusiasm comes from another ancient greek word meaning “possessed by a god”. It’s an eternal flame burning inside.

Just tring to invent hacks for daily situations can be so rewarding!

You’re never alone when the whole universe is inside you.

Alicia

Reasons: Moments

My reason to live?  Moments.

Moments of serenity. 
Moments of peace and happiness, for no good reason. 
Moments of laughing so hard you can barely breathe. 
Moments of connecting. to people. to music. to yourself.
Moments of deep love.
Moments of understanding. 
Moments of accomplishment.
Moments of giving.
Moments that feel so good, especially because the moment preceding it was so painful.
Moments when life feels right.
Moments that are hard to come by, which is exactly why they feel so right.
They don’t come as often anymore, lately, for me. But they’re a nudge in the right direction, to keep on living :)
Ricky

Reasons: Love Multiplies

One of my most powerful reasons are my four stray pets. And, if I could afford it, I’d have some more. I owe all the animals I met in my life the feeling of being loved, the way I am, unconditionally. My parents loved me very much, but
they had expectations about me. Sometimes I disappointed them because I couldn’t measure up to them, and sometimes they couldn’t understand that what they wanted for me was not what I wanted my life to be. Continue reading “Reasons: Love Multiplies”

Eighty Two: Waking up – okay

I woke up this morning. The sun was shining. A clear sky. The weather actually makes a difference to me. Ready to face the day. Spent the morning and most of the day, just, okay. And it’s fun to just be okay. I’m grateful for it.

What are you grateful for today?

So long,

Eliza

Eighty: The Pause (TW – SH)

I guess this can count as a reason. I’m grateful for it either way :)

I wanted to curl my hair before. I’m going out tonight and thought I’d do it, rather than keep it up (at the moment I’m wearing my hair up, it’s a little bit of a mess). I don’t have a curler in my room. Well, I do, a new one that hasn’t been opened and that I never use in order to preserve it’s newness. I know, I know, it’s pointless to have it if I don’t use it. I always use my sisters curler and was gonna do so now. Except that I pulled out the plug and was about to bring it to my room in order to curl my hair. I guess to curl my hair. More to self harm. I plugged it back into her socket and am just gonna go out with my hair a bit of a mess.

The pause.

There never used to be a pause. I would pick something up to use, and just, use it. I would decide to do something, and do it. When it came to using painkillers there was more a pause, as it’d have to dissolve first. But even then, it’s not like there was time for me to think about it. Occasionally there was, but usually I’d only realize that I wanted to do something when I was already doing it. By which time it was too late to actually stop. For it’d be done.

The pause.

I guess there is a pause now. I can’t say I’m aware of what I want to do. For if I were, I probably wouldn’t have been about to move a curler in order to burn. Unless it does go like that. See something and want to use it, without there being anything beforehand. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never had that. However, nowadays there’s usually (still not always, but sometimes) a gap before I actually use something. A gap that is sometimes long enough to acknowledge what I want to do and choose not to do so. I can’t say I always see the gap as enough of a choice, for sometimes it’s way too hard not to just do it when I’m about to, but there is sometimes a pause. That never used to exist. That I’m grateful for.

The pause.

So long,

Eliza