I can’t sleep. I woke up after a couple of hours of sleep. Been lying in bed for a while listening to the pitter patter of the rain on the window panes. I can almost hear the puddles that are forming from the excess water that hasn’t yet anywhere to drain away to.
I was skyping AH and completely freaked out. I told him I did. Put down and immediately wrapped up and went for a walk. I don’t recall ever instinctively doing the right thing in such a situation. Doing what was best for me to do.
Anything is possible. I have to believe that. Else I may as well throw in the towel before getting hurt even more. I was writing.
I realised not so long ago (maybe an hour or so) that I haven’t been using anything to escape in the past week or so (actually, longer than that, but since I can work it out). Yes I have been doing things.
I’ve been walking along the streets loving the colour that autumn brings.
I want to use at the moment. Triggered majorly by being under the weather, by the physical symptoms of being under the weather mirroring the physical effect that using as much as I was had on me. I know that using would send me spiraling and probably bring me back to being actively suicidal. At the moment I’m okay with being here. Yeah there are times when I think about suicide, Continue reading “Fifty Eight: Being there for others”
There is a book ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’ by Susan Jeffers. I love the title of the book. It’s a motto I hold, although I don’t act on it anywhere near often enough. The first time I did something solely because I was afraid was when I was invited to join a group of girls going away for a weekend. I knew that they were acquaintances and not friends. I knew that they were friends with each other. I knew that someone I feel responsible for would be there, and that whatever I did would be wrong. I chose to go knowing it all. Precisely because I was afraid.
I failed my driving test. I was driving and meant to turn. I knew that I was going too fast but was scared to press the brake as I failed my previous test for accelerating instead of braking. Forcing the instructor to brake for me.
The world is spinning too fast for me. I wish it would just, stop for a while, and allow me to catch up with it.
I was walking down the road with a 3 year old. She wanted to know what the ‘people’ next to us on the floor were. Continue reading “Fifty Five: Shadows”
My friend sent me this song, saying it’s what she wants to tell me, always. I absolutely love it! It’s what I repeat to myself over and over as it is. That I’m okay, I’ll be okay, it is okay. It seems like I’ll have this playing in my head instead 🙂
I began this post as an update, but, it’s my next reason.
I started this blog one day when I was thinking of suicide as a feasible option. At the time, which wasn’t so long ago yet feels like it was eons ago I wanted, no, needed, to focus on the positive. I was looking forwards in time. It was nearing a year after I’d promised to give life a go. Continue reading “Fifty Three: There is always another reason”
People who inspire me.
Everything that happens in life can either be a stumbling block that sends you tripping and ultimately down the darkest chasms, or a stepping stone, which you climb higher and higher. Everything. It doesn’t always seem so. There are some things in my life that I wonder about. Like the fact that I have a plan down to the hours that I can use to kill myself, including to the method at hand.
I have so much to say about this and just don’t have the headspace to do it. I want to at least put something down.
Kintsugi is a Japanese art form. They take broken pieces of pottery and repair them with gold so that the cracks are the beauty.
I’d love it if anyone could elaborate.
I’m sitting here, surprised, that I am here. This date has major significance to me. Beforehand I was dreading it, yet now that it’s here, it’s just a date. Just another day. That’s part of the big picture. This day, a year ago, was the end of 6 weeks after I promised to try (not to end it) for 6 weeks. Yesterday a year ago was when I promised to give life a go. It’s been a year. Continue reading “Forty Nine: It’s part of a big picture”