Eighty: The Pause (TW – SH)

I guess this can count as a reason. I’m grateful for it either way 🙂

I wanted to curl my hair before. I’m going out tonight and thought I’d do it, rather than keep it up (at the moment I’m wearing my hair up, it’s a little bit of a mess). I don’t have a curler in my room. Well, I do, a new one that hasn’t been opened and that I never use in order to preserve it’s newness. I know, I know, it’s pointless to have it if I don’t use it. I always use my sisters curler and was gonna do so now. Except that I pulled out the plug and was about to bring it to my room in order to curl my hair. I guess to curl my hair. More to self harm. I plugged it back into her socket and am just gonna go out with my hair a bit of a mess.

The pause.

There never used to be a pause. I would pick something up to use, and just, use it. I would decide to do something, and do it. When it came to using painkillers there was more a pause, as it’d have to dissolve first. But even then, it’s not like there was time for me to think about it. Occasionally there was, but usually I’d only realize that I wanted to do something when I was already doing it. By which time it was too late to actually stop. For it’d be done.

The pause.

I guess there is a pause now. I can’t say I’m aware of what I want to do. For if I were, I probably wouldn’t have been about to move a curler in order to burn. Unless it does go like that. See something and want to use it, without there being anything beforehand. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never had that. However, nowadays there’s usually (still not always, but sometimes) a gap before I actually use something. A gap that is sometimes long enough to acknowledge what I want to do and choose not to do so. I can’t say I always see the gap as enough of a choice, for sometimes it’s way too hard not to just do it when I’m about to, but there is sometimes a pause. That never used to exist. That I’m grateful for.

The pause.

So long,


Seventy Three: Rowing against the current

Hey, I love the album/artist against the current…

So I wrote this last night at 3.36 am when I was bored. I promise I slept last night! For a couple of hours before I woke up and a couple of hours after. I don’t know how much clarity my rambling journaling will have had at that hour. I guess if this make sense to you I’ll be lucky. I’d love to hear!! Continue reading “Seventy Three: Rowing against the current”

Seventy One: 2018

Welcome to a new year.

I was sitting doing a mock GCSE, and was bored. So I wrote. I wrote about the empty blanket of snow outside that was waiting for us to mark it, for us to define what it would be. To make pictures with it, or ruin it.

Two Thousand and Eighteen. Welcome to a new year. I kinda feel that way about this year. Continue reading “Seventy One: 2018”

Seventy: Ninety days

I wasn’t, am still not, quite sure what to title this post.

For the point isn’t, 90 days (or tomorrow that would be 3 months), but, all that it means. I’m not quite sure what I think about it. Or, I do know what I think, it’s just a whole lot of contradictions, which, isn’t surprising considering that everything is always a contradiction. Continue reading “Seventy: Ninety days”