I messed up last night. By using codeine. Nothing really (twas just 3), but whatever it is counts as using if it’s to use, and not as pain relief. Well, I guess using is pain relief 😉 but yah.
I’m disappointed, as, if I hadn’t, Wednesday would have been 6 months.
I kinda feel like, I messed up, I may as well make the most of it.
But, today is a new day. Continue reading “Eighty One: Today is a new day”
I guess this can count as a reason. I’m grateful for it either way 🙂
I wanted to curl my hair before. I’m going out tonight and thought I’d do it, rather than keep it up (at the moment I’m wearing my hair up, it’s a little bit of a mess). I don’t have a curler in my room. Well, I do, a new one that hasn’t been opened and that I never use in order to preserve it’s newness. I know, I know, it’s pointless to have it if I don’t use it. I always use my sisters curler and was gonna do so now. Except that I pulled out the plug and was about to bring it to my room in order to curl my hair. I guess to curl my hair. More to self harm. I plugged it back into her socket and am just gonna go out with my hair a bit of a mess.
There never used to be a pause. I would pick something up to use, and just, use it. I would decide to do something, and do it. When it came to using painkillers there was more a pause, as it’d have to dissolve first. But even then, it’s not like there was time for me to think about it. Occasionally there was, but usually I’d only realize that I wanted to do something when I was already doing it. By which time it was too late to actually stop. For it’d be done.
I guess there is a pause now. I can’t say I’m aware of what I want to do. For if I were, I probably wouldn’t have been about to move a curler in order to burn. Unless it does go like that. See something and want to use it, without there being anything beforehand. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never had that. However, nowadays there’s usually (still not always, but sometimes) a gap before I actually use something. A gap that is sometimes long enough to acknowledge what I want to do and choose not to do so. I can’t say I always see the gap as enough of a choice, for sometimes it’s way too hard not to just do it when I’m about to, but there is sometimes a pause. That never used to exist. That I’m grateful for.
I was reading this post: https://boundlessblessingsblog.wordpress.com/2016/11/14/be-that-one-today/
It made me think.
One smile. One word. One deed. Can change someone’s life. One choice. One action. Can change a life. Yours. Mine. Someone else’s. Continue reading “Seventy Nine: One choice”
This began as an incoherent blog post, I think though, that it can be a reason too incomprehensible or not. Continue reading “Seventy Eight: Instead of fighting”
I woke up this morning and ‘just had to’ take a picture of what I see from my window.
Continue reading “Seventy Seven: View I wake up to.”
Well, I had to wait until a Friday to write this post. But it had to a Friday that I really felt it was a reason.
Continue reading “Seventy Five: TGIF”
Hey, I love the album/artist against the current…
So I wrote this last night at 3.36 am when I was bored. I promise I slept last night! For a couple of hours before I woke up and a couple of hours after. I don’t know how much clarity my rambling journaling will have had at that hour. I guess if this make sense to you I’ll be lucky. I’d love to hear!! Continue reading “Seventy Three: Rowing against the current”
This may sound, and probably is, paradoxical.
I’m fighting at the moment. Finding the moment really hard. Painful even. I don’t know what or why. It’s all just a mass of, of somethings that I can’t name.
Continue reading “Seventy Two: The struggle”
Welcome to a new year.
I was sitting doing a mock GCSE, and was bored. So I wrote. I wrote about the empty blanket of snow outside that was waiting for us to mark it, for us to define what it would be. To make pictures with it, or ruin it.
Two Thousand and Eighteen. Welcome to a new year. I kinda feel that way about this year. Continue reading “Seventy One: 2018”
I wasn’t, am still not, quite sure what to title this post.
For the point isn’t, 90 days (or tomorrow that would be 3 months), but, all that it means. I’m not quite sure what I think about it. Or, I do know what I think, it’s just a whole lot of contradictions, which, isn’t surprising considering that everything is always a contradiction. Continue reading “Seventy: Ninety days”
The sun. This wouldn’t necessarily be a reason if there were no such thing as winter, and freezing cold.
I was in pain yesterday and didn’t know what to do about it. I mean, it was hurting! For something to register enough as pain – that I actually name it as such – it has to hurt a damn lot. Continue reading “Sixty Nine: The sun”
I wrote a post a while back, Reason 54 – you’re okay. I know this is similar, but, for me it’s a different reason.
I’m okay. Hear that? I. Am. Okay. Continue reading “Sixty Eight: I’m okay”