Conquering the fear of failure.

“A man that is born falls into a dream like a man who falls into the sea. If he tries to climb out into the air, as inexperienced people endeavour to do, he drowns.”

(Joseph Conrad. “Lord Jim”).

I’m going through a tough situation. Time is running out. I got desperate, thinking of all that was at stake, all I could lose with just a ‘faux pas’…

Then I received a phone call from someone who I thought was a friend. Instead of lending me a helping hand, he tried to take advantage of my situation. This turned my state of helplessness into one of anger, and this anger brought me the energy I was lacking to face the situation instead of passively waiting for it to pass and mourn the losses.

I may lose everything anyway, but, instead of playing not to lose, I’ll battle and take pride in myself for losing… but NEVER GIVING UP.


Dialogue about suicide – 14th Sept ’16

I know I’m random posting some old stuff… but I like the stuff, so it’s getting here. Hope others do too.
Eliza, if I give you the option to die right now would you take it?
Yes. No hesitations
If I tell you that I have the way for you to kill yourself, that would definitely work, would you do it?
I think yes. Though somehow I’d have to think through ending it myself more than it ending
Why would you hesitate
coz’ I guess maybe in some ways I want to live
so why would you let it be ended definitely but would hesitate about being the one to end it?
coz’ there god is choosing for me.
Oh. I didn’t know that I care about god at all
Is that the only reason you wouldn’t end it?
I don’t know. I would end it. I’d just think about it first.
What would you first be thinking about
Whether it’s really worth it. Whether, maybe I would have the strength to get to another side
So why would you end it?
Coz’ I DON’T have the strength. But I’d think about it first.
What else would you be thinking about
The loss
The loss?
yeah. The loss
What do you mean by that? The loss to what?
So you want life?
Okay Eliza, calm down. You don’t need to want it.
It feels wrong not to
What loss would you be thinking about? I don’t understand what you mean.
That there’s no more opportunity, no more hope, no more ability to give to others, no more chance to change the world for it’d be final. I’d be gone.
Yet you’d choose still to end it?
Yes, coz’ the loss isn’t worth it
What else to you mean by ‘the loss’?
I don’t know. That if I’d kill myself I’d never have been able to do what I was here for. That is why I want god to end it more than I want to, for then I didn’t make that choice. Someone once told me that killing myself is murder. I don’t know about that. It’s not enough to stop me, but, yet I do care in a way. I don’t know…
So what is stopping you now?
coz’ I promised to try. And if I don’t try I’ll never know what could have been. I don’t know. For, that kind of means that I believe it could change and I don’t, but I also want to believe in hope.
So what do you believe in?
Cruelty. Betrayal. Pain. Disregard for others
I don’t know. Didn’t mean to say that.
So why did you commit to try?
Coz’, I don’t know. Maybe in some ways I do think there’s another way
Another way to what?
I don’t know to what. Just another way
Another? Other than what?
That suicide doesn’t have to be the only answer. Maybe there’s another answer. If I don’t try I’ll never know
And you want there to be another answer?
I don’t know if I do. It’s like, no, I don’t, I just want to end it right f***ing now, but there’s also another voice that I can’t hear
And what is this voice saying?
That if I don’t try I’ll never get to another side. If I never get to another side I’ll never be able to help others
And you want to help others?
If you can’t ever help others would you hold on? Or try?
I think not. What would be the point?
You tell me
There would be no point. why would I try for me? That’s not worth it. But if maybe I can give to others, I don’t know. It’s still not worth it, but it’s all I can think of
And that’s the only reason you’d try?
Why else do you want to live?
I don’t
kay, so why else wouldn’t you kill yourself?
no other reason
So if someone would give you the option of definite suicide the only loss you’ll think of is what you could’ve given to others?
What other losses could there be?
There isn’t.
What else could you lose?
Nothing. Don’t care about anything else. Like what? That I won’t get married, raise a family? So? Why would I want to bring children into the world anyways?
To live
And what? Let them live life?? Why would I be so cruel?
Coz’ maybe it’s not cruel. I mean, look at all the people constantly giving birth, do you think they’re all cruel?
In a way yes. Not completely
So why don’t you think they’re cruel? What reason would you give to me if I were asking?
Coz maybe there’s also joy in life
So this joy takes away the cruelty?
No. Because there’s no meaning to it.
No meaning?
No. It’s not like it were for a purpose. There can be no purpose to life. Other than cruelty.
So you’re saying that the fact that anyone is alive is sadism?
What about all those who think differently to you? You think they’re fooling themselves?
In a way yes. I guess not everyone can be. But maybe they can. I don’t know. I don’t know what they see differently.
But you know that others do see it differently?
Yes, coz’ otherwise they would have ended it, the world wouldn’t be here, population of the world, I mean.
So obviously there is some purpose?
No. They could just not have thought about it.
So all those who are alive are either dumb or foolish?
I didn’t say that. I don’t know. I don’t.
Maybe they see some purpose to living that you don’t.
Maybe. But who cares what others see? That doesn’t make a difference to me now.
Maybe it should. Maybe if so many people view things differently, you could perhaps one day too
Who cares about that?? What’s the difference it maybe one day I may perhaps, theoretically, possibly think differently?
You tell me. What difference does it make?
That maybe it’s not hopeless. Maybe there could be meaning.
But I don’t think that can make it worth it to live now for that maybe one day
Yet you still haven’t killed yourself
Right. Coz I promised
And before then. Why not?
I guess somewhere I believe that maybe, I don’t know, I can’t write it coz’ it’s too impossible. But maybe, I don’t know, whatever
What do you think could be possible?
For someone else, not for you.
To get to another side. To see meaning. To believe in hope. To help others be who they can. To be nice/good/worthy/deserving.


I wrote this elsewhere, and decided to take it and go with it, try make something positive of it.

As I said, I feel like I’ve fallen off the cliff edge and have no clue how to prepare myself for landing, or what even is at the bottom, way too far off for me to see. 
This morning I had 45 minutes spare before work. And I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know how to handle the time. It’s not like I don’t have what I can do. Plenty I can. And nothing feasible. I hate it… I know something has to change. Just not sure what. And I also kinda feel that I just have to wait for it all to pass. Wait for the dust to settle before picking up the pieces. I’m just scared that whilst sitting waiting for the dust to settle I’m going to breaking the pieces into shards so small that it won’t be possible to pick them up again. 

I may have fallen off the cliff edge, and have no clue what will be. It actually defines pretty accurately what is going on for me. It scares me. A lot. I’m using. Sometimes. It’s not like I am. It’s not like I’m not. I went to get some medication that a dermatologist prescribed from my GP. I told him that when it was prescribed he didn’t want to give it to me since at the time I’d been using co-codamol. I told him that today I haven’t. He wanted to know if that meant I hadn’t that day but had the previous. I hadn’t. Not the day before that either. I did though this morning and last night. Again, nothing really. Nothing that would do anything, but, I don’t know. Sometimes I’m so calm, sometimes I just sit there and have no idea what to do with myself, and sometimes I feel like I’m creating an issue when there is none, sometimes I want to just break everything into nothingness.

Sit here and wait for it to pass. What’s the ‘it’? Until I get tired of this and decide I have to change it? I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know what to do. And yet I also know that I’m not doing nothing. That’s really what I meant about playing the waiting game. That I think I’m doing what I’m meant to be doing. And it’s just that time takes time. Question is whether I can afford to wait that time. I don’t know. I also think that it all seems like it’s the same, when in reality it isn’t. In reality I’m not in the same place I was. I was re-reading stuff I wrote, and it was all the same. It’s hard to see the differences for they’re so subtle. And being that I can’t see the changes it just makes it all seem like it’s a waste of time. Like it all has been a waste of time. I know it isn’t so. I just can’t see it. Especially because of all the things that really are the same. And some of the changes, I can’t appreciate. What, I should see it as major that when someone pointed it out to me I can see that what someone did is crossing boundaries? Yeah, it’s change, for if someone had pointed it out to me in the past they’d have had to do a whole lot of explaining, here, my friend was surprised at something that happened, and it took some thinking about on my part to realize that you know, what that person did wasn’t appropriate. I don’t see it as anything different. I don’t see anything like that making anything worth it. And, I know how I work.

I gave this analogy to someone when I was trying to explain how I work things through.
Puzzles. I’ve made some puzzles. When I make a puzzle I sort out the side pieces. Then I sort the sides into colours. And put the colours together. And put the sides together. Then choose a colour from the middle. Whilst I sort the side from the rest, I usually also do an extremely skimmed sorting of the rest of the colours, when choosing another colour, some more pieces that I’m not looking at yet I also sort. So that when I do the edge, or any other part of the puzzle, I’m actually organizing some other pieces even though it’s not something I’m coming to yet.

This is how I work with everything. When I’m trying to work something through. When I want anything to change. It gets me frustrated. Especially because everything takes forever. Like seriously forever. And I rarely can ever see the point. So something I’ve been trying to work through for the past 6 months is what I believe. I can summarize what I’ve come up with into 2 paragraphs, and raise 2 fundamental questions on it. It’s not like what I’ve worked through there hasn’t helped me. It has. And I know it has also because I’m fighting it. I wouldn’t fight something I didn’t care about or that had no impact on me. It’s effect is amazing, if I didn’t have to fight it. Fighting it doesn’t help me, but I am anyways. That’s also what’s going on. Fighting what I know a lot, fighting that it’s so, for I don’t want it to be. I want control. Yet, it seems pointless. I guess pointless isn’t the right word. It’s not pointless. It seems worthless. Relevant. But worthless. I guess I feel like everyone, not sure who the everyone is, or no one, whoever the no one is, works this way. That they all will just get it. They’ll take a week to read through something, form their own opinions and apply it. Whereas I take 6 months to write 2 paragraphs with a question on each.

And life is like that for me. It’s not like I don’t get anything. It’s not like it’s really true that nothing changes. Things change. I just can’t see it. For they’re so minor. And yeah they’re real. And then I fight what changes. Until I can accept it. And then I will fight it again. And then, yeah, I don’t know. I just want to see that it’s worth it.

Shards. I feel like I’m breaking everything I had into pieces so small that they’ll never be able to form anything again. Does that matter though? Does it have to make a difference? So I won’t be able to pick those pieces up to form anything. Instead I’ll have to form whatever I want. All possibilities open in front of me. Unlimited. Coz’ the infinite can give me infinite possibilities. Well, if I want to form anything ever, whenever ‘this’ whatever ‘this’ is passes, by then I’ll probably have stopped hating the fact that there is a power in control, and use it for my benefit, instead of destroying myself to be in control.

I’m tired. I don’t think this is really what I meant when I was going to put something positive down. But oh well. It’s something anyways. And has taken some of the strands flying about and made some semblance of order from them.

So long,


I want to believe – somehow

I’ve been looking through some old things…

I wrote this about a year ago.

I want to believe in hope
I want to believe in me
I want to believe it’s possible
I want to believe we can do it
I want to believe in life
I want to believe in joy
I want to believe in meaning
I want to believe in living
I want to believe in choice
I want to believe in second chances
I want to believe in courage
I want to believe in strength
I want to believe in power
I want to believe.
I want to believe.
I want to believe in me
We can do it.
We can do it.
One step only
At a time.
I want to believe in another side.
We can do it.
We can do it
One moment. Only.
At a time
I want to believe in possibility
I want to believe
That we can give
Life a go
That it can be
Worth it
That we can get
To another side
A side of living
Life on life’s terms
A side of living
Just living. Being
A side of living
Without escaping
A side of living
Without controlling
A side of living
Without giving up
A side of living
Of believing
A side of living
I want to believe it’s possible
We can do it
We can do it.
One step only
At a time.
I want to believe in another side.
We can do it.
We can do it
One moment. Only.
At a time
A side of living
A side of living
Giving life
A go
A side of living
A side of living
We can do it
One step
One moment
We can do it.

Eighty Three: T.C.

I don’t know what I ever did to deserve having you in my life.

Thank you. For being here. For believing in me when I don’t. For adding sunshine to my life, and for never failing to make me smile.

You are someone super special. You know those quotes that say live today for one day you may inspire someone to continue living. That’s what you do. Luv ya T.

Love and light,


Letter to myself: 10th April ’18

Dear Eliza

Just breathe. Ever heard that one before? Just breathe? But yeah, just breathe. Coz’, you’re okay. Coz’ you will be okay. You ask will you ever get there? That depends what the there is. If the there is a destination, well, I don’t know if you’ll ever get there. If the there is the journey, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is being okay living this journey, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you won’t hate being here, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll change and handle what you want different, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to calm yourself down, which you can’t do at the moment, then yes, you’ll get there. You’ll be able to calm yourself down. If the there is the ability to stay with what is when it’s all too much, then yes, you’ll get there. You’ll be able to stay with what is. If the there is the ability to acknowledge what’s going on for you in a way that helps, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be aware of what’s going on for you, then yes, one day you’ll be aware of what’s going on. If the there is that you’ll stay present without tuning out or cutting off, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll know what to do about whatever is going on for you, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be okay with the struggle, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to work through what you think/believe without freaking out, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll know what you want, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll believe that you’re worth it, and deserve to live and be okay, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to reach out to others without turning them away at the same time, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll learn what your boundaries are, then yes you’ll get there. If through that you’ll learn what boundaries are for others, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll believe you’re worthy of existing on your own, irrespective of anyone else, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to keep to your boundaries without crossing them or letting others cross them, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be okay with touch, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll know what you believe and be able to live with it, then yes you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to do whatever you want taking what matters into account and not what or who doesn’t, then yes you’ll get there. If the there is all of the above, then yes, you’ll get there. Even if you get there, wherever the there is, it’s still a journey, just hopefully a journey you can be okay living with or on. Hopefully a journey when it’s not too much all the damn time. I’m sorry it’s so hard at the moment. Love you. I believe in you. I believe that you can give yourself what you need, even if not today. I believe that everyone does not come before you. I believe that you’re allowed to be okay. I believe that you aren’t taking away from the world and people around you by existing. Luv ya….


10th April ’18

On edge.

I don’t want to put down anything but some of this is recovery related and if anyone can relate I’d love to know I’m not alone.

I want to use.

Something I’ve worked through is how the world has come to be. My understanding of a finite world existing is that there has to be Infinity (let’s call infinity N because I means me :) ) somewhere or another to allow a finite world to exist. It has to come from somewhere the world. However it came to be. Whether you believe in The Big Bang – caused by N (otherwise where does the matter come from), Evolution – caused by N (otherwise where does the original cells come from), there has to be an Infinity. We can’t exist aside from that, so we’re part of it, N has to have limited itself. Now, explanations of where I’m coming from aside…..

I was realizing the other day when I wanted to mess up, that you know, I don’t have to know the answers. I decided that I’m not about to try to stop using, for it’s pointless as all that is behind it still remains. Rather deal with what needs to be changed, and then decide what to do. Of course if I don’t mess up meanwhile all the better. So I was realizing the other day that I don’t know how to change anything, but Infinity must know. Even if I don’t know. I can leave it to N to sort out my life. Of course I have to do my part, but when I’m freaking out, I don’t need to, for N is in control.

So before I was going to use. In the past 6 months, I used cocodamol twice last week, other than that I haven’t. And it wasn’t so much. I know the spiral it’ll send me on. I was going to now. And was realizing that you know, I don’t need to, for N is in control.

But, I don’t want N to be I control. I want to be in control. I don’t want to surrender my life. I don’t care how futile everything is. I don’t care how much it messes my life. I don’t care. I just don’t care. Why should I give up what I want to let an infinite power deal with my life? This infinite power created me. N put me in this world. Or even if N didn’t, N is the catalyst through creating the world of me being here. Why would I ever give over control to an infinite power who created me when I don’t want to be here?

So for now, I haven’t yet used. Neither have I written any of the posts I’ve been meaning to. I’m annoyed and frustrated. I was journaling this morning for an hour. And it was interesting what I was journaling. Well interesting as I knew what I was writing, but I was never as clear about it. I’m also annoyed about it. It’s just another thing to add the list of what I want to be different. It’s not even anywhere near the top of the list. It goes right at the bottom. Well, if I ever get to write the list, and the posts explaining each of what I want to write, that is.

I’m annoyed at this infinite power that created me. I’m annoyed at the power that has power. I’m infinitesimally more frustrated that this is the power that has power and whom has control over my life. I want control. Am I seriously meant to give that control over? I don’t care that it’s false control, as an infinite power always will have greater control. I want what I want. And want to lash out at anything in the way.

I can see how much calmer my life is and will be when I can surrender my life, when I don’t need to take care of everything, when I have to do my part but know that N will see to the pieces falling into place. I’m not sure what will be….

So long,


Sunshine blogger award

I find it hard to believe that I was nominated for this award. Especially as at the moment I’m anything but positive and feel like I’m watching myself messing my life up.

Thank you Anita @ discovering your happiness!

Sunshine Blogger Award Rules:

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you and list it’s blog in your post
  • Answer the 11 questions asked
  • Nominate 11 other bloggers and ask another 11 questions
  • List the rules and include the Sunshine Blogger Award logo in your post

Continue reading “Sunshine blogger award”

Asking god for a sober day

At one point in time, every morning I’d ask god/higher power for a sober day (and ask for other people to be okay or have what I wanted), and in the evening thank for a sober day. When I did this it made the struggle easier in a way. For when I struggled during the day, I think, I asked god for a sober day, I have to do my part. I don’t know what my god/hp really is at the moment. But to be honest it doesn’t make much difference. God can’t give me a sober day if I choose to mess up. Continue reading “Asking god for a sober day”

The World…..

The world
With colour
The world
The world
For me
The world
The setting
On high
Colours too bright
Noise too loud
People too much
The world
Too intense
The world
A world
I want
To be part of
I want
To be mine
It’s too much
I want it all
To register
On the radar
It’s either
All or none
I can live
In the world
Or cut off
I want
But both


I wasn’t sure whether to post this as a reason, so I’m linking my previous reason here

I’m scared of change. I hate change. I want what I know.
All is good. It’s interesting, for according to AH, what I wrote (I sent him a link to what I wrote he replied that it’s cautiously optimistic. I would have said freaking awesome lol. So yeah it’s good. Not necessarily always easy. The good comes with what’s hard. It’s good. Change. Life changes. I don’t want change. I hate change. I’m scared of change. Did I say this all already? I want what I know… what I know is familiar to me. I know how to handle everything. I know what to expect. I know what happens. I know, for example. that if I’d go enter an email account that I don’t have access to, that I wonder if I can hack into, I’ll rp, I’ll feel guilty and confused. I’ll hate myself. And want more. I won’t consider rp’ing through words enough. Unless I listen to what I’m told. In which case it would be pictures/camming too. It’d have to be. It’d have to be complete. Instant. Which it won’t necessarily be. I’ll be obsessing. Constantly checking for replies. Trying to get what can never be enough. I know what happens if I rp. I know what happens if I watch bdsm/abdl. It’ll actually lead to me fighting self harming. Though when I want to self harm I’ll wonder why I want to and think it has nothing to do with what I watched. I know what happens when. I know what to expect. Did I say that I hate change yet? I think hate isn’t strong enough. Abhor fits it better. Despise. Did I say that I’m scared of change? I think scared is wrong. Terrified. Freaking petrified. Change. Life changes in a good way. I’m okay. I’m not used to it. I wonder actually if that had anything to do with messing with the codeine I found. My friend laughed when I told her I had a sheet with one so automatically took it instead of throwing it out when it’d be a waste. I asked her what someone who wasn’t me would do… she said throw it out. Or keep the sheet with just one for when it was needed. I was trying to clean my room so was clearing up. But it isn’t the same as it used to be. For if I’d take one it’d have to have been more. I’m doing things I couldn’t in the past. Things that would mean I’d use (like blowdrying or curling my hair) so I didn’t do or only did with people around me, and even then it let to wanting to burn, or actually doing so, which it doesn’t mean now. It doesn’t mean I don’t mess up or struggle at all. It’s actually probably better this way. That it’s not all hunky dory. For then there’d have to be a major drop. As I said, I feel like I’ve fallen off a cliff and I have no clue what lies at the bottom. Well, there are rocks there too. I can direct myself there. There’s the cliff face I can push myself onto. There’s the familiar, the known, that however much it hurts, I know it. I know what to expect. I’m scared of change. Terrified of it. I abhor it. Despise it. Change frightens me. For I don’t know what will be. I am living in the moment. Just living with what is. Appreciating it and am oh so grateful for it. I’m still not getting sleep. The days, the world, is way too intense for me. And I know that the world is way more intense than I’m experiencing it right now. I’m living in a world of colour, but it’s muted colour. It’s scary to realize that it gets way more intense than this, when I don’t yet know that I can get to grips with this. I’m trying to give myself time and space. Trying to spend time with people too. Trying to get out every day. Have to still go out today, been in the kitchen most the day. I got my niece to fall asleep on me. It brought with it a mix of emotions. That’s change too. I never would know what I felt. I may not really know now. But I know it’s kind of, I want that. I want my own kids. Yet, I can’t. I’m not there yet. Any relationship I have to have I wreck. I’ve done it always. And nearly wrecking it with AH, showed me just how much needs to be different before I can date the kind of person I want to. I’d never want to marry a guy who would put up what I’d do to him now (best part is that it’s unintentional. I don’t try to push away anyone who I want to be in my life. I just do.) Besides that I don’t know what I want from a guy. There’s change too. I worked it out with AH. I’m on speaking terms with him. I’m scared of change. Yet I’m grateful for it. They’re both true. I want to go back to what I know. I want to stay with the new and see where life takes me. Both true. That hasn’t yet changed. The contradictions in every single aspect of life. I wonder if it ever will. Unify itself. If I’ll ever live without the duality, without being pulled, constantly, in two opposing directions. So yeah, change. I hate change. I’m not sure how often to say that. It just needs the emphasis. Yet, I’m okay with it. I hope I stay okay enough with it to stay with it. Not to wreck it in order to go back to what I know. For now it’s about this moment in time. It’s about living in the present (which with the film that is still there it’s hard to do). It’s about choosing the right thing. Trying to acknowledge and accept what I want. And live with it. So yeah I don’t want to see what can be as I’m scared. And that’s okay. I’m scared. And it’s okay to be scared. Doesn’t mean I have to do anything about it.

So long,


Changing the focus to get some control.

I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and get easily caught by desperation; my focus of attention becomes the problem and a kind of tunnel vision does not allow me to make good decisions.

I have read somewhere that one of the causes of anxiety is the feeling of lack of control of a situation. Therefore, I’m trying to grasp at least a little bit of control in any circumstance by changing my focus.

When the feared situation is in the near future, I try thinking past it, as if it were already solved. That is: I lengthen my scope – I become “long-sighted”.

But when the problem ahead seems to depend on a number of coordinated decisions in time, and looks overwhelming and scary, I shorten my scope to the next step. I tackle each step, one at a time.

If nothing seems to depend of my decisions (like waiting for a result of a medical test, for a buyer for my home, etc), then it’s pointless to worry anyway. But I do! So I focus on other situations in my past: in most of them, the feared ‘reasonable’ outcome didn’t happen. And I remind myself to “let go and let God” (whatever God/higher power you believe in) or flow with the Tao of events.

I can testify about many times in my life when I was in a tragic deadlock or got to the rock-bottom, and my fate changed its course abruptly for something unimaginably better.