Painkillers – TW

Trigger warning. I won’t be editing my words at all.

I’ve learned to swallow. I learned to swallow in order to take the lymecycline. To be honest, I’d begun to learn to swallow in order to take painkillers, but it wasn’t the same. I wanted to swallow in order to take painkillers as I didn’t want to use the soluble stuff I’ve collected. If I use the soluble stuff I have – can I use it without following through on my plan? My plan to use 50 a day for 2 weeks with no plan for after that. No plan other than to have an extra 300, this 300 could be paracetamol, didn’t have to be cocodamol, for the last night. The 50 a day wouldn’t kill me. The 40 a day never did. 50 a day wouldn’t. Could I take soluble stuff without following through. I’d never know. I never went back to it for it was too great a risk. I used codeine. Swallowed those tiny tablets. Only a few. I broke cocodamol down into tiny pieces. So never took more than 8 in a go of those, and only took it a few times. Maybe 5?

I know I’m interrupting myself. I’ve been thinking through this for nearly 2 weeks. Since I learned to swallow. Didn’t see a point in putting down what I’m thinking here. Still not sure if there’s a point. But now I’m writing to write. And writing is always a point. If AH is correct that a part of me is focused and on task – present – when I write, and I think he is right. He put into words with that what I could never fully explain to people. How I could write things I wasn’t aware I thought/knew. How I could tune into the part of me that believes in me. The part that believes in anything, the part that is distant. Writing isn’t always safe, but it’s certainly safer. And has always been a tool. That I’ve always been grateful for. Not sure why I’m rambling about this ;) but rambling is funner than trying to stay focused, especially as then I actually am more focused in some ways.

So yeah, painkillers. I’ve learned to swallow. I told M what I thought about painkillers. Yeah, I know I haven’t yet written it. Her first reaction – before I told her what I was thinking, had just told her that I’d learned to swallow – was one of fear. AH did the same. Makes me so annoyed. Not sure why as I understand them. And I can’t say it’s something I’ve never thought about. Not being able to swallow has kept me safe. I always used soluble painkillers since I couldn’t swallow. It meant drinking gross, nauseating stuff that I could barely stomach. There wasn’t much of a choice. It also meant a distance. There is so little distance between anything in my life. Between thinking and doing. I’m impulsive by nature. You know the kid who in school will be on the other side of the classroom and then get asked what she’s doing there, and will say, oh. The kid who constantly calls out. The kid whose stuff is all so far fetched, because of all the ideas and thoughts in between but who wouldn’t think to say any of that stuff because it’s just so ‘obvious’. Actually I used to give R my train of thought. She found it entertaining. When I said something random. To hear the 10 steps that took me a microsecond in between her comment and my seemingly unconnected reply. So yeah, I’m impulsive by nature. Besides for being impulsive, I’m often not in tune with what’s going on in my world. Okay, okay, I’m rarely in tune with what goes on in my world. So when I went to do my hair in my sisters room (use her curler) and took her curler out of the plug, and was walking out her room, and was like ‘oh’. And put it back and just didn’t do my hair. But that’s what I mean by no time. Had it been hot in my room I would have been burning myself by the time I realized what I was doing, and even if I would have stopped I’d have sent myself spiraling way more than necessary. So to go back to swallowing, or my inability to swallow. I was always actually grateful for it. Never learned to. And was happy that I didn’t. As it gave space before using painkillers. It meant I had time to think first. More time. It was often when the stuff was already dissolved that I decided not to use it and waste it and throw it away. It always was such a waste to throw it away. Although M laughed at me. When I told her that I had a sheet of codeine with one tablet on it, I either was gonna throw it away or keep the sheet. Keeping a sheet for just one was a waste. Throwing it away was a waste. So used it. It didn’t do anything. Codeine actually never gave me what I wanted. It was only if it was a mixture with paracetamol. I asked her what a ‘normal’ person would have done. She said she knows what they wouldn’t have done – swallowed it instinctively. So that’s why I was grateful that I couldn’t swallow. Coz’ of the distance it always afforded me. The pause it gave me. It was like that with a lot of the stuff I’ve used. Things like giving someone an email address I used to rp, that would take me time to access – break into. It’s possible to break into it. Just that I’d attempt to. And after a while I’d realize what I was doing and be grateful not to do it. Grateful for the pause. Instead of being engaged with something by the time I regret it. So I understand their reaction. It’s because of what I’ve said. That I’ve always been grateful that I didn’t know how to swallow. And why. Yet it annoyed me anyways. I’m not sure what does. I’m freezing when I think about it so not gonna do so now, can’t be bothered for freaking out. I can’t handle people worrying about me.

So I learned to swallow. For good reasons. It’s actually good because I’m taking Vitamin B12 now with capsules. Capsules I can swallow. Not sure how to handle tablets. Only have cocodamol tablets. And only around 90. So to get back to the original purpose of this post, what I was thinking about.

I can swallow. Will I ever use the soluble stuff again? Why should I use the soluble, gross, nauseating stuff when I can swallow? Why would I ever dissolve the stuff? The answer is only because I have so much. So was thinking that maybe I should throw it away. Was thinking quite seriously about it. I think I’ve nixed the idea. But I was still thinking about it. That I don’t need it. It’s that, I don’t need it. Throwing it all away will be giving up my plan. Will be taking away a safety net. However much the safety net has to do with messing up completely. It probably wouldn’t kill me the plan I had in place. But it’s still a plan I had. That throwing it all away would take away. A support that was there. So it was just a thought. Not something I think I’m going to act on. I mean that I don’t think I’ll throw it all away just yet. There was a lot I was thinking about. About the fact that I don’t really need the plan there. I re-read a post I wrote (you can read it here), and, the think I noted most about it was that it was memories. That it brought up a whole lot of memories. Neither positive nor negative. Just factual. It felt distant. It feels distant sometimes. The anger at people who were afraid of suicidality. Although now that I’m distant enough, I probably thought about it way more than I acknowledged at the time. It’s not like I don’t think of suicide. But I don’t think of suicide. I don’t actually see it as a viable option. Which I used to. I don’t really see it as an option. The key word here is that I don’t really see it as an option. There is the part that does. But that’s not as real. So throwing this stuff away would be doing away with the plan. Saying I want to live life. In some ways I feel ready to do that. in some ways I don’t. I don’t think acting on the some ways that do is the right thing to do at the moment, however much it’s so real, and really it makes me feel free the thought of it, because the some ways that don’t, that’ll just enter complete freak out mode, and I’m not sure where that will lead to, and I don’t have any real support in real life, so I don’t think it’d be the safest. But I like the fact that I actually do feel ready to throw it away. Even if the parts that don’t feel like it has to and it safest not to. I like that I’ve thought about it.

So that’s my thoughts on painkillers at the moment. I’ve learned to swallow. Do I need the soluble stuff I have? Do I need the plan in place? I don’t have enough for the plan, you know. With the 100 non-soluble I have, and with the paracetamol capsules I have, I probably actually do have enough, but, I also learned that nothing would ever be enough. I don’t need the plan in the same way. Yet, I don’t know that all of me is ready to throw it away. It’s just something was thinking of. And that I spent half an hour rambling about. Well, I rambled about nothing too :)

Actually gotta run. Get ready to go out and help set up somewhere that I don’t know if I’m needed and nervous for as will be at the door and hate being centre of attention. Face the fear and do it anyways has always been a motto. And the person who asked me to help is not someone I’d ever say no to. I’m grateful that he asked. Grateful that I can help.

So long,

Eliza

12 step call I listened to

I’m frustrated. Because I was listening to this call. And it was frustrating me. Some of it I really relate to. Some of it I agree with. Some of it, I don’t at all. And the people who wrote the ‘book’ believe in it so thoroughly. I hate how people follow like blind sheep.

Something I was telling someone about any 12 step program (if I’d join any, I could join SAA, NA, OA, EDA – is there such a thing as eating disorders unspecified anonymous, or just MLIAMA – my life is a mess anon? SA – there is a suicidal anonymous, SHA/SIA – there is no real self harm 12 step program out there, not sure what else. Oh CoDA of course.) was that she should take what she wants and leave what she wants.

There is plenty I would take. There is also some fundamental principles that I would leave. Somehow what I would leave is more important to me. What would I take? Well, there is a hell of a lot I can relate to from what any addict shares. Especially those who are aware. The reliance on whatever it is. The way whatever you’re using has instead of you controlling it and being what you need, become bigger than you, taking over your life. The escape/control/black and white thinking/perfectionism. I love some of the principles I’ve learned around recovery, around 12 step programmes. I love the point of doing it just for today. I love the point of surrendering, not fighting. I love the idea of living your life on life’s terms.

What don’t I like? The powerlessness. I don’t agree with it. No, I’m not rationalizing. I don’t think I’m in control when it comes to using. There’s just a fine line. That I don’t cross. The line where in a 12 step SIA program, they’d say ‘never pick up a razor coz’ it could trigger you’, whereas I say, I’ve used razors to self harm, I’ve used anything I could to self harm, I could live my life staying away from triggers – not possible – I could just live life, being aware, being honest, and trying to stay safe. Meaning that at times using a razor to shave will be a surefire way to get me fighting cutting. At times it’ll be just shaving. Even if it will get me fighting. Do I have to stay away from using it? No. It’s a choice. Or painkillers. I used painkillers last week, was it this week? a couple of times for pain. I didn’t use more. Did I want to use more than I did prior? Yeah. Though I don’t know if it was a connection. Could it have been? Yeah. I didn’t use more. Is it worth the thought spiral? Yeah, it was. I was in pain and didn’t have to stay in pain.

I don’t agree with the powerlessness. I don’t agree with some other stuff that I can’t think of at the moment. Yet there is all I do agree with. I know some people say you can’t take some and leave some. I disagree. Take what works, leave the rest. That’s my opinion. The call frustrated me, listening to a reading on something I so fundamentally disagree with. I can be in control. Not in a way of fighting. Control may be choosing to know that there is an infinite power that created me, that is more than me, that I can let run my life when I can’t run my life. Control may be listening to what I know, or as the big book phrased it ‘my best thinking got me here’. My best thinking led me to mess my life up enough that suicide was a viable option. My best thinking had me using at the expense of my work. Regardless what it was I was using at the time, I wasn’t present for my students. Sometimes it was stuff I’d read/watched. Sometimes the wondering whether the person I was rp’ing had replied. Sometimes it was using painkillers just before work, clouding my head over. Sometimes it was self harming and having to deal with the result instead of being at work.

My best thinking can bring me from here. My best thinking can help me find a way to live my life and love living life. I’m not powerless. I don’t believe in ‘the light’. I believe in a god that created the universe. I don’t know what I think about this god/infinite power as it’s not something I’ve worked through. I’m too angry at this god for creating me. I believe that we’re here through limit. I believe that there is goodness in the world. I am choosing to believe in myself.

I don’t think I really manage to put what I’m thinking down. But I’m grateful that I could put some of it down. Could put some of it into words. I’m grateful per se. Grateful for the changes, minor ones that aren’t so small, that I see. Grateful that for the most part suicide isn’t one of the options I see as viable. Grateful for journaling, for how much it helps me. Grateful for my friends, even as they annoy me. M’s (friend) and AH’s (therapist) reaction to something I said was the same. Which annoyed me. For their fear is relevant and their fear comes from what I’ve told them, I just wanted to express other stuff entirely and it was positive stuff, and yet they saw the negativity too. I’m grateful that I reached out to someone and told her I want to be in touch with her. I’m grateful that I give to people. I’m grateful that my rabbi asked me for help with something small, that he was okay with asking me. I’m grateful to be in an okay place. I’m grateful that however much it may scare me, however much I don’t deserve to be okay, however much I rather what I know, I’m not wrecking the okayness. I’m grateful that I know, that whatever I do, I will be okay, if I mess my life up, I can always get back up, so long as there is life, there is hope. I’m grateful. And grateful to be grateful.

Ramble over for now.

Eliza

Letter to myself: 23rd April ’18

Dear Eliza

Yeah I know journaling would be a better idea than writing to you. Just breathe. You’re okay. Just breathe. I love you Eliza. I know how much it hurts right now. It’ll pass Eliza. It’ll pass. I don’t know what will be. I think living is just all about waiting for it to pass. But it isn’t. It can’t be. There has to be something more. Something you see in the moments you can just breathe and be with the awesomeness of the world around you. I know you need the answers. I don’t know how to give them to you when you aren’t ready or able to work through it all. I know you need to know how to handle yourself. I don’t know how to teach it to you. I know it all hurts so much right now. I wish I knew how to make it easier. I wish I knew how to do anything at all.

Just breathe Eliza. I don’t know how to make it easier. I do know that it’s not worth messing up at the moment. I do know that however much using or self harming would help right now, it ain’t worth it in the long run. I know that you’re worth more than that. And that even though you think you can’t do it, you can. I know that you will do it. That you’re worth it. You deserve to be okay. You really do. Coz’ life is beautiful. Life can be beautiful. And you’re a part of life. And even if you use, you’ll be okay. Whatever happens, you are okay.

Luv ya,

Eliza

Alone

Not sure why I’m in tears. Well, I’m not anymore. Only half. Crying ain’t something I do.

Feeling alone. Was writing this elsewhere. Don’t know if it will help to try and put it down, or if it’ll harm. Well, if it doesn’t help I’ll always just stop writing. Done that often enough. I like typing for I don’t look. I’ve my eyes closed. Lying on my bed. Not sure what to say. I think the title says it all. Alone.

There isn’t anyone I can talk to. I can call S. S.G. that is (if I’m going to initial with surnames too. As there are 4 S’s…). I can actually call S.H too if I’d want. Except that she’ll be asleep with her husband. Well, both will be asleep. M will probably also be sleeping. And I wouldn’t want to call any of them anyways. I’ve nothing to say. And it’s not fair. And they wouldn’t be interested anyways. And I’ve nothing to say.

I hate feeling so alone in the world. And then I know that it’s my fault. If I’d taken up H’s offer, when she sort of offered to be there, she’d be there for me. I’m not interested in anyone being there. I hate people who feel like they have to be there for people. I hate people caring. I can’t handle people caring. And the caring isn’t real anyways. Even if it is, it isn’t. And it doesn’t make a difference if it is or isn’t, coz’, somehow there’s a distance.

I know that no one really cares. I know that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here. And it doesn’t help how much I also know that it isn’t the reality. For I know that it is so. And it is a little strange that this is what I’m thinking about now, when objectively speaking, I’m really in an okay place. Whatever. So yeah, just feeling really alone at the moment. I don’t want people to be here. I don’t want people to care. If anyone would I’d push them away. Not that they would anyways. And yeah, they’d be better off without me. I’ll tell you what I think. Take M. A good friend. Who actually knows me. M and S, well both S.H and S.G know me. As in they really do know me. Somehow they’re still my friends. Most people who are my friends are my friends so long as they need me. And then they leave. Then they call when they want something. I can’t figure where R fits in. What she wants from me. Why she’d want to be my friend. She’s way too ‘normal’ for lack of a better word. Besides that she lives in a different country and I rarely see her or speak to her. She actually keeps the relationship going, and I don’t know why. With the other people, I wonder, if I wouldn’t keep my part of the relationship, if they wouldn’t need me, would they be here? The answer is no. They wouldn’t. I know it. And it’s normal. And, dunno. I don’t know what I want. I want people to care. Yet I don’t. If anyone does I won’t be able to handle it. I remember when I got burned. When people asked me how I was I’d flip out on them. Couldn’t deal with it. I hated that my dad prepared me an apple. Hated that he’d do it for me when I couldn’t. Any other time I’d have appreciated it. I hate this. I hate that really it’s just my issue.

Coz’ objectively speaking, my family care. I know they care for their sakes more than for mine. But they care. my friends care. For their sakes too. But they care. I just don’t believe that they do. I honestly don’t. And that’s not anyone’s issue but my own. So I’m feeling alone. And that’s my own issue. For not being able to believe that anyone can want to be here as part of my life. And then I wonder if it really is my issue. For in reality it’s also the truth.

I don’t know anymore.

Eliza

3 Day Quote Challenge – Day 2

Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
  • Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
  • Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.

Thank you Anita!

My quote for today

My past does not define me.

I’ve messed up in my life. I’ve used food – eating too much, throwing up, not eating at all. Self harm. Painkillers. And some other things. I’ve scars. The first time I wrote this quote was actually using henna tattoo. I covered my thigh with it and took a picture. I don’t quite remember why I did that, I think because I wanted to believe it. Now I actually don’t define myself by what I do or don’t do. At all. I can’t say I never think of it, but it’s not usually an issue. It’s just, a part of my life. If I’m messing up at the time. That’s a part of my life. If I’m not, it’s a part of my story. And hey, you know, I’ve an entire life to live. That’s just a part.

There’s another quote that reminds me of this that I’d want to use. I can’t remember the words, but basically, I can look at my scars, and choose what I see them as. I can choose to see them as failure. I can choose to see them as victory.

Your past does not define you. My past does not define me. The only person who defines me is myself.

Come join the challenge (if you’re interested ;) – I don’t know if you do these or not…)

Fight to become
Sara
Beckie

Eliza

I want to just be. And I want to just journal.

I want to journal. I want to be. They’re not really contradictory to be honest. I really like what he said to me. That he thinks that when I write there is a certain part of me that is present. For I’ve never been able to put it into words that well. And it’s true. So I want to write. For I like that kind of being present. But I also want to just, be. I’m looking outside and it’s awesome. The blue sky. It’s peaceful. It’s calm. I don’t remember the last time I was this, at peace. And I want to just be with it. I could go outside. I rather be lazy and stay inside.My room is as peaceful as outside, and inside I won’t be afraid of the creatures. I can see if a creature comes. So I opened my journal to write, but was getting distracted by the awesomeness outside, and also I just want to be with it, and can’t do both. So decided to come here, onto my blog, to write here, because then I can do both. Write, and let myself write. And just be with the peace. I can do both. For I don’t think when I write. Continue reading “I want to just be. And I want to just journal.”

3 Day Quote Challenge – Day 1

Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
  • Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
  • Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.

Thank you Anita!

For Day 1, my quote is ‘Go as long as you can, then take another step’

go as long as you can, and then take another step1802587745..jpg

I’m choosing this quote as it is what stood by me through some tough times. It became my byline. Go as long as you can. Then take another step. Sometimes that step was just standing still. Sometimes that step meant just not crossing any lines. Sometimes that step meant doing something brave and courageous. Just another step.

Come join the challenge (if you’re interested ;) – I don’t know if you do these or not…)

Amber
Josh
Rachel

Eliza

Eighty Five: Going backwards to go forwards

I’m not sure why I feel like I’ve written something like this before, either way.

I was actually discussing this with someone, I was trying to tell her why it isn’t necessarily wrong to go backwards.
Sometimes you have to go backwards in order to go forwards. Like when you pull back the bow to give the arrow momentum to get even further. I was actually sharing with her the fact that I was fighting (I didn’t give her details), that I was fighting the fact that god was in control, to the extent that I was wrecking my life. Yeah, the things I use will and does wreck my life (in this case it was painkillers, a month before it’d been food, and was debating self harming a lot). Pretty literally. And I want(ed?) control enough, however futile it may be, that I’ll destroy myself to exert it. I was telling her that at the same time I knew that however much it may be going backwards, it was and is also going forwards. For, I was fighting….. If I was fighting it means I was gonna get somewhere when I’d stop fighting. It means I’m fighting something that when I stop fighting I’ll be able to use to help me. For why do you fight? The only time a person, definitely myself, fights a concept, is when I know it to be true. Else I don’t need to fight it. Like I don’t hate someone I’ve no connection with. They’re irrelevant to me. So fighting, even if I was destroying myself over it, was going backwards. To go forwards. Was using, yeah, but in order that at some point I can use the same need in order not to use.

I’m not fighting the fact that someone created me and has control as much as I was. I’m not sure why not. Maybe I’ve come to some sort of acceptance that won’t last (until I work through it)? Shouldn’t be negative about that. I do hope it lasts. Just trying not to expect anything. Trying to know that this is now, and hopefully it’ll last and it’s okay if I fight it again. I’ve not been using. I know it’s correlated (for in this case I was using because I wanted to prove that I was in control, for I knew that if I let whatever is in control take charge I don’t need to use, for there is a power greater than me that can sort my life out, so therefore I had to use, to prove that I was in control. It actually makes some sense, however convoluted it may be). I don’t need to prove my control at this moment. I still have to work through my anger with god. I still have to work through how much it bothers me that he’s in control. I have to work through my need for control (though that’s way later in the game). I have to come to understand why the world was created. I have to understand why I was created. At least understand it enough – I have to be able to accept it. Accept the fact that there is a power greater than me. Accept the fact that I’m here in this world even though at the moment I’m angry with god for creating me. When I’m ready to handle it, I will work through it. That day isn’t today. I’ll know when I’m able to. And, I will get there. (For this moment I accept that I don’t understand, and that when I’m ready to work through it hopefully I will understand, and that either way, I can use what I know to help me, rather than to destroy me.)

Yeah, you can go backwards. As long as you keep your eye on the goal. I can go backwards. The path up a mountain sometimes goes down in order to avoid those boulders that it wouldn’t be safe to cut a path through. My goal is the top of the mountain. Right now the path is pretty rocky. It isn’t heading up or down. I can’t tell you how fast I’m moving along the path either, for I don’t know.
The goal, my goal, is to live life on life’s terms, to be able to handle living life on life’s terms, to love living life on life’s terms. To just be okay with the journey. Which, sometimes I’m doing more and sometimes I’m doing less. More of the ‘less’ than the ‘more’ but I’m beginning to believe that it may be possible. A case in point is the past few days. Which, were tough. I ditched some work yesterday. Haven’t done all I need to for work. And it’s okay. Coz’ I’m LIVING with it. I’m present for it. I don’t know how to put into words just how major that is for me. That I’m actually living with the reality (even as I’m not always able to handle it. I am handling it, sort of). I realized that when I was trying to remember if things have ever been as intense as they were the other night (I freaked out on AH, completely freaked out, and being that I wasn’t talking, at all, could’t, he didn’t know what was going on). They have never been that hard. Haven’t been as drained from freaking out to that extent in a long time. Why not though? Because I’d never have lived through it. I’d have been living in my own world of fantasy and using whatever it was that I was in the mood of using at the time. I’d have cut off, tuned out, escaped, whatever it took. I wouldn’t have known that I was freaking. And if I was aware I would have run away, turned off skype, definitely not stayed with it and stuck through it, however tough it was, and however vulnerable I feel that he saw me in freak out mode. So yeah, life is a learning curve. Life is a curve. Recovery is a curve. Take some steps back and take some steps forward. Sometimes all we can do is stay where we are and do our best to stay safe and not let ourselves cross anymore lines than we have (thinking of the letter I was copying out today with that. Wrote that letter when I was using, and knew that my best for the moment was not to cross the line of safety. Not to use all the painkillers I had and take away all hope). And sometimes we go backwards. We can always use that to go forwards though. And know at the time that we can. Accept ourselves whilst we’re doing it, and know that whilst there is life, there is hope (where does that saying come from?). For where there is life, there is hope.
​Been rambling. Again.

I wrote this as post. Then realized that in reality, it’s a reason too.

Eliza

Letter to myself: 26th July ’17

Dear Eliza

It’s so much easier to mess up. To test the boundaries (of safety with painkillers). I know how much you want to. How much you feel it’s a need. I don’t know what to tell you. I can’t promise you that it’s worth it not to, for I just don’t know. I can tell you though, that people have done this before you. That however much it seems impossible to leave the tunnel you’re trapped in, especially when you aren’t ready to get up, people have done it before you. You have more power and strength than you believe. I know that using is safer. I know that the painkillers cloud everything over in a sense. I know that you can’t face dealing with the world at the moment. Just know that you aren’t alone. That you have the ability to get past this. And that you deserve life. I know you don’t believe that. But you do. You deserve to live. You deserve to be okay. You’re worth it. Even as you’re messing up you’re worth it. Continue reading “Letter to myself: 26th July ’17”

Just for today

Today is a new day.
Just for today I want to enjoy the day.
Just for today I want to stay with the reality
Just for today I want to know that however hard it gets, it will pass
Just for today I will know that I’m not alone, god is with me
Just for today I will try not to mess up in order to fight that
Just for today I’ll believe in myself
Just for today I’ll believe in possibility
Just for today I’ll believe in those who believe in me when I don’t believe in myself
Just for today I’ll try stay in the present, stay present, and just breathe
Just for today I’ll try accept my best as my best

I’d love to hear yours :)

Eliza

18th April…

I left work early. Meant to still be in school, well, straight through until 4 today. Needed in school until 11.25. I left my student with some work at 10.55. And, kinda that has to be okay. Not the best option, but, kinda the only option. I wish I could stay in bed all day today. Not really, I’d get bored. I wonder actually if I really would. Get bored that is. Coiled so tightly. If anyone breaks that last straw I’ll be really frustrated with them. They won’t have to handle it. I will. Just drained/tired from last night. Exhausted. If I’d use a colour radar, hey, yeah I know I’m interrupting myself – well this is often why I’m not understandable, I interrupt myself, and jump into interruption b to comment on that, I’m better about it, really I am, but yeah, so anyways, the hey was that it’s cool. Some crap therapist once asked me to fill in a mood diary for each hour of the day. She never understood why I couldn’t fill in any moods. Or why I couldn’t at least draw faces. If I would it’d all be half smiles, very rarely a smiley face, equally as rarely a sad face. I don’t have, have never had, a way to rate what’s going on in my world. If I’d use red, orange, green, and this is the part I’m finding pretty cool – that I’m thinking in colours. Which, really is pretty awesome. I don’t know what colour I’d use now. Probably somewhere between green and orange. More green. Calm this moment. I know it can change in a moment’s time. Left school coz’ had to. I didn’t HAVE to be there, I could leave my student with some work however not ideal that is, so I couldn’t stay. Not sure if I can face work this afternoon, but it’s not like I really have an option. At the moment I can do it. I think as soon as I get there though, or after half an hour, that’ll change. Oh well, will handle that then. Not now.

Interrupting myself again. Journalling, or blogging as it’s on my blog, helps me now, helps me put down what I’m thinking, put it into some semblance of order so that it makes sense to me. I was saying last night that sometimes writing is the worst thing for me to do. Couldn’t write last night. That if I write when in that mode it’ll push it past ‘too much’. Sometimes engaging with what’s going on will help me handle it and make sense of it. Sometimes engaging with it is too much and I’ll cut off/tune out because I try to engage in it. I wish I’d know beforehand which it is. Or really, I wish I’d be able to recognize what’s going on for me. I said it’s cool that I’m thinking in colour terms. It is. Really it is. Yet. It doesn’t help. For I never know what really is what. For like take this moment in time. I would use the colour green honestly. It is the truth. I do know because of yesterday and today, that anything can switch that in a moment to, probably 8/10 in orange terms. Most times I wouldn’t know that. And I’m guessing things don’t just ‘flip a switch’ constantly. Yeah, it will sometimes, probably even often, but there’s also just as often probably a gradual changing. I don’t like writing this. There probably is. Though I’m just not usually aware of it.

It would have helped yesterday if I’d known. When I spoke to AH it pretty quickly spiralled. It’s not that it never has gone that far before. The difference yesterday was that I didn’t actually cut off from it. I was present. Which, yeah, makes it harder, but I’m grateful for that too. Interrupting myself again :) but that’s something I was thinking about often. That sometimes I don’t mind if it’s hard, and sometimes I do. So if it’s hard coz’ of good things, or things I want, then it’s easier to handle than if it’s as hard negatively. Like it’s easier for me to handle being present whilst I’m freaking out, even though I hate it, then to handle when I cut off from it (which I’m pretty certain I wrote here but can’t remember), when I’m there but not there. Though if I’d never been ‘present’ I wouldn’t care. And also, going back, when he asked me what was going on, I actually let him know. I wrote an email and deleted most of it. Kept the part about what I’d been thinking. In the past, once spoke about telling him when it’s too much. Which I told him, I do when I can. I do it in my way. I say what I need in my way, which usually isn’t understood. Like when I asked him to fill the silence. I really needed him to just talk. To stop the spiral going further. Which he didn’t. That wasn’t what I mean though. I’d been thinking that if I had a red card I would’ve picked it up. Although at that point in time I actually wouldn’t have. Was freaking out way too much to be able to do that. But that should have a way of telling him that, and just, I don’t.

It scares me a lot that I freaked out on him and let him know that I did. coz yeah I often have, but whether he knew or not I hadn’t let him in. And I let him in now… and that scares me. DK is the only person who has ever seen me in freak out mode before. And honestly, I think I scared her a lot. She was visiting my town and wanted to come over and being that I never see her I wanted to, and it was too bad, but yeah. So it makes me feel way too vulnerable.

So today I’m exhausted. I don’t know if getting enough sleep would help although it probably would. As soon as put down yesterday got up and had a shower. And then watched a movie. Didn’t fall asleep after so watched ellentube until I could sleep. Today is a new day.

I’m falling asleep whilst spacing out. Have to leave in an hour and 10 minutes to be in school on time. Hmm. Will try give my second group work to do. Don’t and won’t have the ability to teach them. It’s not fair to them. First group are calm enough. Then going on an ‘outing’ to the park, in the heat wave that we were supposed to have :) there’s no sun :( and spent ages this morning trying to find something I’m happy to wear, when I’ve enough clothes for this kinda weather! It’s not freezing though. Which is cool. And last group should also be okay. It’s only the second. And isn’t fair to them but I guess it’s too bad. Maybe I’ll make some cookies. See if the cleaner is still here.

Hey, guess what? well besides for that I’ve pins and needles in some of my fingers making it harder to type, I never knew I could type without looking without using all my fingers… learn something new every day. There’s some blue in the sky!!!!!! Oh, the clouds are covering t as I write this. Oh well, maybe it’ll soon be blue again. If I don’t get up now definitely won’t have time to make those cookies…….

17th April ’18

I want to put this down, although don’t have the head to at the moment. At all. I know if I don’t now I probably never will.

Just finished watching a movie.

Spoke to AH before. Not sure why but I completely freaked out. I’m actually pretty proud of myself. For I didn’t just hang up. Actually, if I’d just hung up, come to think of it, he’d have thought it was to do with him. It never does. I saw something interesting too. I didn’t tune out. Yeah, at some point I did, but, however much I tuned out, I was present. I was thinking how frustrating it was that I wasn’t present in the world. I realized tonight that I actually am present. Yeah, I still do tune out, but I’m present. And though I don’t like being present for this, I appreciate that I’m ‘here’. I asked him to talk to me. He didn’t understand it. Eventually he listened to me and did just talk. Although he felt foolish for it. It really did help. I actually felt bad for him. For he had no clue what was going on. And, I didn’t have the way to tell him that I was in full freak out mode. When he asked me to tell him what was going on it was after he’d spoken for a bit. I wrote him an email. Then cut off most of it, keeping in the part where I said that I’d been thinking that if I had a red card I would have flashed it. It’s strange. He was saying how articulate I can be at times. I can at times. I don’t think anything I write now is going to be making any sense. I’m proud of myself. For staying on skype. For staying with it. For doing what I could to tell him, even if it was way too quiet for him to hear and just didn’t have the strength to repeat myself.

He asked me what would be when he put down. I answered although he didn’t hear. Had a shower, put on a wash, and put on a movie. When I freak out I have to just get busy doing stuff. I don’t really know how to change it, and that doesn’t, but, it’s okay. And in reality, I guess I never used to deal with it, for I’d just cut off. It’s strange how words mean such different things to different people. B cut off I mean that some parts would still be freaking out, but it’d be, distant. Sometimes it’d be like I’m watching it. Sometimes it’d be, and this is something I absolutely hate when it happens, sometimes when I’m freaking and sit down to journal and after 2 sentences it’s just too much, probably coz’ sometimes journaling really helps me to calm down, and sometimes engaging with it probably isn’t the best idea, but I’ve no clue of knowing ever what is what. Then when I sit down to journal after 2 sentences I’m jsut, not there. Dunno how to put it differently. And I hate it. I really do. And I could be still in frozen mode, but not really present. And today I was present. I am present. So although I hate what happened, and I especially hate it coz’ feel way too vulnerable at the moment And I’m surprised that he handled it okay. He was thrown in the deep end. Coz’ yeah I’ve freaked out on AH plenty of times. He’s never known it though. And I’d always cut off from it. So I’d be freaking out, but just wouldn’t be present. He actually dealt with it. The only thing he could have done differently, which he couldn’t have as he didn’t know, was when I told him to just talk, he should’ve just spoken. He thought I just wanted the silence filled. it wasn’t about that. It was too. But more coz’ I couldn’t handle the silence. And the longer the silence the more I couldn’t handle it. And he was putting his foot in it. A lot. I guess I feel a bit bad for him (well, I usually always do, so nothing new there). Though yeah, I guess I’m proud of myself too. And it’s strange. Dunno what will happen when meant to speak next week. Feeling extremely vulnerable. For, he saw me in freak out mode. And, I let him. And that’s not safe.

Gonna try to sleep. I know I likely won’t, but hey, you never know.

I hope that none of this is too incomprehensible, or spelled too horrendously. Don’t have the headspace to make anything make sense at the moment.

‘night world.

Eliza