Can I trust enough to give over control?

Control. Letting go. Trust. Can I let go? Can I take control? Can I trust? It’s a paradox. Control vs trust. For most people will say that the opposite of control is letting go. I think trust is the opposite of control. For in order to really let go of control, you have to trust. I was just listening to a 12 step call, and was thinking about it whilst listening (yeah, distracting myself from listening ;) ). The topic was step 3. Letting go. Giving your will and life over to a power beyond you. Some of it I have no issue with. Some of it, well, I’m not so sure about…… I know that there is an infinity that created this universe. I know that’s what I believe after working through it. I also know that I can give up control to this infinity. I’ve worked through it. And when I’m struggling I often think that, hey, you know, really there is an infinite power who is in ultimate control, I don’t need to do this, I can let this infinity do it. I’ve fought that because I want control :) but for the moment I’m okay with that.

The other night I was talking to this infinity. And I noted something interesting. I was talking as though to a third party. I wasn’t addressing myself to a ‘you’. It was always ‘infinity’. I wasn’t naming the infinity either. It was interesting to me to see that I couldn’t, can’t, be personal with this infinity that must exist. A couple of nights after that I told my rabbi that I don’t trust anyone. You know, that’s the first time I’ve actually said that. This is the first time I’m writing it. He said that would mean that I wouldn’t be able to trust god either. Seriously not?? I never realized that. Yeah, I saw that when I was talking to the infinity that created the world. I saw that I can’t be direct or personal.

Control vs trust. I’m not in control. I know I’m not. For if there is an infinity then it must be in control. I can let this infinity control, however, I can’t give my life over. I can’t let go of what I want. Because there’s nowhere to let it go to. There’s no place for trusting and feeling safe. That’s what the discussion with my rabbi was actually about. I was trying to explain why I don’t feel safe with AH (I’m just realizing that I didn’t tell him that it wasn’t and isn’t me that put a distance there or was questioning continuing, it was actually AH). Come to think of it, this is probably why I feel like there’s no stability in the world, like there’s no centredness. If there isn’t safety anywhere, then there can’t be stability. Which probably means all I’ve said about other things. I can transfer it to this. I always said that if a person doesn’t love themselves, however much others love them, they won’t be able to feel it, for it’s filling a cup with a hole in it. The cup has to be sealed for what others have to give to be able to fill it. I guess to feel safe, I have to find the safety within myself. If I can do that, then I’d feel safer with others, too. For they wouldn’t have to keep it safe. I could. They’d just be filling the water into the cup that’s already there.

Control vs trust. I believe that they’re opposites. I saw this quote: Anything you can’t control is teaching you how to let go. I think it should be slightly different. Anything you can’t control is teaching you how to trust.

I’m not quite sure what I’ve been trying to say…. if you know, please let me know :)

So long,


Ninety Seven: Stating what I want

I had a different ninety seventh reason originally – shoes. I just haven’t had the time to write it up. And a ninety eighth reason – some cool stuff I saw. This would probably be the ninety ninth. Wahoo!!!!! I’m really near ONE HUNDRED.

Anyways, for this reason. Stating what I want. Asking for what I want. Being clear about what I want. Asserting myself. Whatever the words that you use are.

I had an appointment with my GP today. I wanted him to check my hormonal levels because I think they may not be right. In the past, I’ve mentioned that my monthly cycle is different to the past. Well, today I told him I wanted him to check it, and actually told him why. Actually explained what is going on, how it’s different to how it used to be, and how I think it’s abnormal. He took a blood test then and there.

So today I asserted myself. I was able to actually say what I want, why I want it, and get it done. It’s not something I’ve ever been able to do. It isn’t something I realized I didn’t do. I actually realized I was doing this recently, but I didn’t realize that I’m doing it everywhere. I was able to explain respectfully – in writing – to AH what I was bothered by. Wrote him a letter. Emailed him. He didn’t understand it. Hasn’t understood it. I know though that it’s his issue (because every other person reading what I write, and I discussed it last night with someone, understood what I wanted and meant; what I want is actually nothing major at all.. I’m pretty unsure what he hasn’t gotten).

Actually, come to think of it, I did the same thing when I asked someone if they were available to discuss something with me. And when I texted someone that I’d love to be in touch with them (which I’m not, because I initiated contact, if they’re happy to be in touch, they will be).

It’s pretty awesome. To be able to say what I want and get it (when I’m aware that I’m allowed to want anything ;) )

So long, (as long as there’s life, there’s hope)


Reblog: 50 reasons to live

Still unsure how to reblog.

I liked this post

The ones I liked best:

3. Another thing everyone says (and everyone says it because they’ve found it to be true, there’s very little chance you are the singular exception) is that they’ve been able to find beauty in their struggle. What began as a challenge because the impetus for finding their purpose. “Without Voldemort, Harry Potter is a very ordinary boy.”

6. Life is full of second chances. “Samuel Jackson struggled with alcoholism and drug addiction early on in his career. It was so detrimental to his ability to act and function, he was replaced in two different Broadway productions. He tried supporting himself by working as a camera stand-in for Bill Cosby on The Cosby Show and performing in random on-stage productions in New York, but he was never fully able to kick his addiction until he was 41. Literally the day after he left rehab, he started work on Spike Lee’s Jungle Fever. He was 46 when he was cast in Pulp Fiction.”

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I want to mess up the okayness

I want to destroy it. I want to self harm just to destroy it. Self harm rather than painkillers as it’s less destructive. It’s fun to be okay. I’m just tired of it. And so on edge and not sure what or why or how to handle any of it.

I feel like all I am doing is pushing off the inevitable.


I don’t know what I want

Image result for I don't know what I want

This quote is really true. It kinda defines what I’m thinking at the moment.

I don’t know what I want. I can’t make anything ‘better’ as, I don’t know what’s going on or what I want….


Scars. What’s your excuse?

What do you answer when people ask you what your scars are from?

I came across this list here, I was laughing through it.

  • Don’t worry about it. Because of me, they now have a warning label!
  • Well, let me just tell you this: You should NEVER EVER, under ANY circumstances, go out with a guy/girl that you met on the internet.
  • “It’s a long story.” They usually leave me alone, but this one guy said, “I’ve got time.” Then I said, “I fell. [long pause] Ok, so it’s obviously not THAT long.”
  • I took my lizards for a walk and they held on for dear life.

Continue reading “Scars. What’s your excuse?”