Shards

I wrote this elsewhere, and decided to take it and go with it, try make something positive of it.

As I said, I feel like I’ve fallen off the cliff edge and have no clue how to prepare myself for landing, or what even is at the bottom, way too far off for me to see. 
This morning I had 45 minutes spare before work. And I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know how to handle the time. It’s not like I don’t have what I can do. Plenty I can. And nothing feasible. I hate it… I know something has to change. Just not sure what. And I also kinda feel that I just have to wait for it all to pass. Wait for the dust to settle before picking up the pieces. I’m just scared that whilst sitting waiting for the dust to settle I’m going to breaking the pieces into shards so small that it won’t be possible to pick them up again. 

I may have fallen off the cliff edge, and have no clue what will be. It actually defines pretty accurately what is going on for me. It scares me. A lot. I’m using. Sometimes. It’s not like I am. It’s not like I’m not. I went to get some medication that a dermatologist prescribed from my GP. I told him that when it was prescribed he didn’t want to give it to me since at the time I’d been using co-codamol. I told him that today I haven’t. He wanted to know if that meant I hadn’t that day but had the previous. I hadn’t. Not the day before that either. I did though this morning and last night. Again, nothing really. Nothing that would do anything, but, I don’t know. Sometimes I’m so calm, sometimes I just sit there and have no idea what to do with myself, and sometimes I feel like I’m creating an issue when there is none, sometimes I want to just break everything into nothingness.

Sit here and wait for it to pass. What’s the ‘it’? Until I get tired of this and decide I have to change it? I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know what to do. And yet I also know that I’m not doing nothing. That’s really what I meant about playing the waiting game. That I think I’m doing what I’m meant to be doing. And it’s just that time takes time. Question is whether I can afford to wait that time. I don’t know. I also think that it all seems like it’s the same, when in reality it isn’t. In reality I’m not in the same place I was. I was re-reading stuff I wrote, and it was all the same. It’s hard to see the differences for they’re so subtle. And being that I can’t see the changes it just makes it all seem like it’s a waste of time. Like it all has been a waste of time. I know it isn’t so. I just can’t see it. Especially because of all the things that really are the same. And some of the changes, I can’t appreciate. What, I should see it as major that when someone pointed it out to me I can see that what someone did is crossing boundaries? Yeah, it’s change, for if someone had pointed it out to me in the past they’d have had to do a whole lot of explaining, here, my friend was surprised at something that happened, and it took some thinking about on my part to realize that you know, what that person did wasn’t appropriate. I don’t see it as anything different. I don’t see anything like that making anything worth it. And, I know how I work.

I gave this analogy to someone when I was trying to explain how I work things through.
Puzzles. I’ve made some puzzles. When I make a puzzle I sort out the side pieces. Then I sort the sides into colours. And put the colours together. And put the sides together. Then choose a colour from the middle. Whilst I sort the side from the rest, I usually also do an extremely skimmed sorting of the rest of the colours, when choosing another colour, some more pieces that I’m not looking at yet I also sort. So that when I do the edge, or any other part of the puzzle, I’m actually organizing some other pieces even though it’s not something I’m coming to yet.

This is how I work with everything. When I’m trying to work something through. When I want anything to change. It gets me frustrated. Especially because everything takes forever. Like seriously forever. And I rarely can ever see the point. So something I’ve been trying to work through for the past 6 months is what I believe. I can summarize what I’ve come up with into 2 paragraphs, and raise 2 fundamental questions on it. It’s not like what I’ve worked through there hasn’t helped me. It has. And I know it has also because I’m fighting it. I wouldn’t fight something I didn’t care about or that had no impact on me. It’s effect is amazing, if I didn’t have to fight it. Fighting it doesn’t help me, but I am anyways. That’s also what’s going on. Fighting what I know a lot, fighting that it’s so, for I don’t want it to be. I want control. Yet, it seems pointless. I guess pointless isn’t the right word. It’s not pointless. It seems worthless. Relevant. But worthless. I guess I feel like everyone, not sure who the everyone is, or no one, whoever the no one is, works this way. That they all will just get it. They’ll take a week to read through something, form their own opinions and apply it. Whereas I take 6 months to write 2 paragraphs with a question on each.

And life is like that for me. It’s not like I don’t get anything. It’s not like it’s really true that nothing changes. Things change. I just can’t see it. For they’re so minor. And yeah they’re real. And then I fight what changes. Until I can accept it. And then I will fight it again. And then, yeah, I don’t know. I just want to see that it’s worth it.

Shards. I feel like I’m breaking everything I had into pieces so small that they’ll never be able to form anything again. Does that matter though? Does it have to make a difference? So I won’t be able to pick those pieces up to form anything. Instead I’ll have to form whatever I want. All possibilities open in front of me. Unlimited. Coz’ the infinite can give me infinite possibilities. Well, if I want to form anything ever, whenever ‘this’ whatever ‘this’ is passes, by then I’ll probably have stopped hating the fact that there is a power in control, and use it for my benefit, instead of destroying myself to be in control.

I’m tired. I don’t think this is really what I meant when I was going to put something positive down. But oh well. It’s something anyways. And has taken some of the strands flying about and made some semblance of order from them.

So long,

Eliza

I want to believe – somehow

I’ve been looking through some old things…

I wrote this about a year ago.

I want to believe in hope
Somehow
I want to believe in me
Somehow
I want to believe it’s possible
Somehow
I want to believe we can do it
Somehow
I want to believe in life
Somehow
I want to believe in joy
Somehow
I want to believe in meaning
Somehow
I want to believe in living
Somehow
I want to believe in choice
Somehow
I want to believe in second chances
Somehow
I want to believe in courage
Somehow
I want to believe in strength
Somehow
I want to believe in power
Somehow
I want to believe.
Somehow
I want to believe.
I want to believe in me
Somehow
We can do it.
Together.
Forever
We can do it.
One step only
At a time.
I want to believe in another side.
Somehow.
We can do it.
Together
Forever
We can do it
One moment. Only.
At a time
I want to believe in possibility
Somehow
I want to believe
That we can give
Life a go
That it can be
Worth it
That we can get
To another side
A side of living
Life on life’s terms
A side of living
Just living. Being
A side of living
Without escaping
A side of living
Without controlling
A side of living
Without giving up
A side of living
Of believing
A side of living
I want to believe it’s possible
Somehow
We can do it
Together
Forever
We can do it.
One step only
At a time.
I want to believe in another side.
Somehow.
We can do it.
Together
Forever
We can do it
One moment. Only.
At a time
A side of living
A side of living
Giving life
A go
A side of living
A side of living
We can do it
One step
One moment
Together
We can do it.

Eighty Six: T.C.

I don’t know what I ever did to deserve having you in my life.

Thank you. For being here. For believing in me when I don’t. For adding sunshine to my life, and for never failing to make me smile.

You are someone super special. You know those quotes that say live today for one day you may inspire someone to continue living. That’s what you do. Luv ya T.

Love and light,

E

Letter to myself: 10th April ’18

Dear Eliza

Just breathe. Ever heard that one before? Just breathe? But yeah, just breathe. Coz’, you’re okay. Coz’ you will be okay. You ask will you ever get there? That depends what the there is. If the there is a destination, well, I don’t know if you’ll ever get there. If the there is the journey, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is being okay living this journey, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you won’t hate being here, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll change and handle what you want different, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to calm yourself down, which you can’t do at the moment, then yes, you’ll get there. You’ll be able to calm yourself down. If the there is the ability to stay with what is when it’s all too much, then yes, you’ll get there. You’ll be able to stay with what is. If the there is the ability to acknowledge what’s going on for you in a way that helps, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be aware of what’s going on for you, then yes, one day you’ll be aware of what’s going on. If the there is that you’ll stay present without tuning out or cutting off, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll know what to do about whatever is going on for you, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be okay with the struggle, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to work through what you think/believe without freaking out, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll know what you want, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll believe that you’re worth it, and deserve to live and be okay, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to reach out to others without turning them away at the same time, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll learn what your boundaries are, then yes you’ll get there. If through that you’ll learn what boundaries are for others, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll believe you’re worthy of existing on your own, irrespective of anyone else, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to keep to your boundaries without crossing them or letting others cross them, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be okay with touch, then yes, you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll know what you believe and be able to live with it, then yes you’ll get there. If the there is that you’ll be able to do whatever you want taking what matters into account and not what or who doesn’t, then yes you’ll get there. If the there is all of the above, then yes, you’ll get there. Even if you get there, wherever the there is, it’s still a journey, just hopefully a journey you can be okay living with or on. Hopefully a journey when it’s not too much all the damn time. I’m sorry it’s so hard at the moment. Love you. I believe in you. I believe that you can give yourself what you need, even if not today. I believe that everyone does not come before you. I believe that you’re allowed to be okay. I believe that you aren’t taking away from the world and people around you by existing. Luv ya….

Eliza

10th April ’18

On edge.

I don’t want to put down anything but some of this is recovery related and if anyone can relate I’d love to know I’m not alone.

I want to use.

Something I’ve worked through is how the world has come to be. My understanding of a finite world existing is that there has to be Infinity (let’s call infinity N because I means me :) ) somewhere or another to allow a finite world to exist. It has to come from somewhere the world. However it came to be. Whether you believe in The Big Bang – caused by N (otherwise where does the matter come from), Evolution – caused by N (otherwise where does the original cells come from), there has to be an Infinity. We can’t exist aside from that, so we’re part of it, N has to have limited itself. Now, explanations of where I’m coming from aside…..

I was realizing the other day when I wanted to mess up, that you know, I don’t have to know the answers. I decided that I’m not about to try to stop using, for it’s pointless as all that is behind it still remains. Rather deal with what needs to be changed, and then decide what to do. Of course if I don’t mess up meanwhile all the better. So I was realizing the other day that I don’t know how to change anything, but Infinity must know. Even if I don’t know. I can leave it to N to sort out my life. Of course I have to do my part, but when I’m freaking out, I don’t need to, for N is in control.

So before I was going to use. In the past 6 months, I used cocodamol twice last week, other than that I haven’t. And it wasn’t so much. I know the spiral it’ll send me on. I was going to now. And was realizing that you know, I don’t need to, for N is in control.

But, I don’t want N to be I control. I want to be in control. I don’t want to surrender my life. I don’t care how futile everything is. I don’t care how much it messes my life. I don’t care. I just don’t care. Why should I give up what I want to let an infinite power deal with my life? This infinite power created me. N put me in this world. Or even if N didn’t, N is the catalyst through creating the world of me being here. Why would I ever give over control to an infinite power who created me when I don’t want to be here?

So for now, I haven’t yet used. Neither have I written any of the posts I’ve been meaning to. I’m annoyed and frustrated. I was journaling this morning for an hour. And it was interesting what I was journaling. Well interesting as I knew what I was writing, but I was never as clear about it. I’m also annoyed about it. It’s just another thing to add the list of what I want to be different. It’s not even anywhere near the top of the list. It goes right at the bottom. Well, if I ever get to write the list, and the posts explaining each of what I want to write, that is.

I’m annoyed at this infinite power that created me. I’m annoyed at the power that has power. I’m infinitesimally more frustrated that this is the power that has power and whom has control over my life. I want control. Am I seriously meant to give that control over? I don’t care that it’s false control, as an infinite power always will have greater control. I want what I want. And want to lash out at anything in the way.

I can see how much calmer my life is and will be when I can surrender my life, when I don’t need to take care of everything, when I have to do my part but know that N will see to the pieces falling into place. I’m not sure what will be….

So long,

Eliza

Sunshine blogger award

I find it hard to believe that I was nominated for this award. Especially as at the moment I’m anything but positive and feel like I’m watching myself messing my life up.

Thank you Anita @ discovering your happiness!

Sunshine Blogger Award Rules:

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you and list it’s blog in your post
  • Answer the 11 questions asked
  • Nominate 11 other bloggers and ask another 11 questions
  • List the rules and include the Sunshine Blogger Award logo in your post

Continue reading “Sunshine blogger award”

Asking god for a sober day

At one point in time, every morning I’d ask god/higher power for a sober day (and ask for other people to be okay or have what I wanted), and in the evening thank for a sober day. When I did this it made the struggle easier in a way. For when I struggled during the day, I think, I asked god for a sober day, I have to do my part. I don’t know what my god/hp really is at the moment. But to be honest it doesn’t make much difference. God can’t give me a sober day if I choose to mess up. Continue reading “Asking god for a sober day”

The World…..

The world
Filled
With colour
Noise
People
The world
Intensity
Alive
Vibrating
The world
Pulsating
For me
The world
The setting
Registers
On high
Colours too bright
Noise too loud
People too much
The world
Too intense
The world
A world
I want
To be part of
Colours
Life
I want
To be mine
Yet
It’s too much
I want it all
To register
Lower
On the radar
But
It’s either
All or none
I can live
In the world
Or cut off
I want
Bother
But both
Can’t
Coexist.