Letter to myself: 23rd April ’18

Dear Eliza

Yeah I know journaling would be a better idea than writing to you. Just breathe. You’re okay. Just breathe. I love you Eliza. I know how much it hurts right now. It’ll pass Eliza. It’ll pass. I don’t know what will be. I think living is just all about waiting for it to pass. But it isn’t. It can’t be. There has to be something more. Something you see in the moments you can just breathe and be with the awesomeness of the world around you. I know you need the answers. I don’t know how to give them to you when you aren’t ready or able to work through it all. I know you need to know how to handle yourself. I don’t know how to teach it to you. I know it all hurts so much right now. I wish I knew how to make it easier. I wish I knew how to do anything at all.

Just breathe Eliza. I don’t know how to make it easier. I do know that it’s not worth messing up at the moment. I do know that however much using or self harming would help right now, it ain’t worth it in the long run. I know that you’re worth more than that. And that even though you think you can’t do it, you can. I know that you will do it. That you’re worth it. You deserve to be okay. You really do. Coz’ life is beautiful. Life can be beautiful. And you’re a part of life. And even if you use, you’ll be okay. Whatever happens, you are okay.

Luv ya,

Eliza

Alone

Not sure why I’m in tears. Well, I’m not anymore. Only half. Crying ain’t something I do.

Feeling alone. Was writing this elsewhere. Don’t know if it will help to try and put it down, or if it’ll harm. Well, if it doesn’t help I’ll always just stop writing. Done that often enough. I like typing for I don’t look. I’ve my eyes closed. Lying on my bed. Not sure what to say. I think the title says it all. Alone.

There isn’t anyone I can talk to. I can call S. S.G. that is (if I’m going to initial with surnames too. As there are 4 S’s…). I can actually call S.H too if I’d want. Except that she’ll be asleep with her husband. Well, both will be asleep. M will probably also be sleeping. And I wouldn’t want to call any of them anyways. I’ve nothing to say. And it’s not fair. And they wouldn’t be interested anyways. And I’ve nothing to say.

I hate feeling so alone in the world. And then I know that it’s my fault. If I’d taken up H’s offer, when she sort of offered to be there, she’d be there for me. I’m not interested in anyone being there. I hate people who feel like they have to be there for people. I hate people caring. I can’t handle people caring. And the caring isn’t real anyways. Even if it is, it isn’t. And it doesn’t make a difference if it is or isn’t, coz’, somehow there’s a distance.

I know that no one really cares. I know that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here. And it doesn’t help how much I also know that it isn’t the reality. For I know that it is so. And it is a little strange that this is what I’m thinking about now, when objectively speaking, I’m really in an okay place. Whatever. So yeah, just feeling really alone at the moment. I don’t want people to be here. I don’t want people to care. If anyone would I’d push them away. Not that they would anyways. And yeah, they’d be better off without me. I’ll tell you what I think. Take M. A good friend. Who actually knows me. M and S, well both S.H and S.G know me. As in they really do know me. Somehow they’re still my friends. Most people who are my friends are my friends so long as they need me. And then they leave. Then they call when they want something. I can’t figure where R fits in. What she wants from me. Why she’d want to be my friend. She’s way too ‘normal’ for lack of a better word. Besides that she lives in a different country and I rarely see her or speak to her. She actually keeps the relationship going, and I don’t know why. With the other people, I wonder, if I wouldn’t keep my part of the relationship, if they wouldn’t need me, would they be here? The answer is no. They wouldn’t. I know it. And it’s normal. And, dunno. I don’t know what I want. I want people to care. Yet I don’t. If anyone does I won’t be able to handle it. I remember when I got burned. When people asked me how I was I’d flip out on them. Couldn’t deal with it. I hated that my dad prepared me an apple. Hated that he’d do it for me when I couldn’t. Any other time I’d have appreciated it. I hate this. I hate that really it’s just my issue.

Coz’ objectively speaking, my family care. I know they care for their sakes more than for mine. But they care. my friends care. For their sakes too. But they care. I just don’t believe that they do. I honestly don’t. And that’s not anyone’s issue but my own. So I’m feeling alone. And that’s my own issue. For not being able to believe that anyone can want to be here as part of my life. And then I wonder if it really is my issue. For in reality it’s also the truth.

I don’t know anymore.

Eliza

3 Day Quote Challenge – Day 2

Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
  • Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
  • Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.

Thank you Anita!

My quote for today

My past does not define me.

I’ve messed up in my life. I’ve used food – eating too much, throwing up, not eating at all. Self harm. Painkillers. And some other things. I’ve scars. The first time I wrote this quote was actually using henna tattoo. I covered my thigh with it and took a picture. I don’t quite remember why I did that, I think because I wanted to believe it. Now I actually don’t define myself by what I do or don’t do. At all. I can’t say I never think of it, but it’s not usually an issue. It’s just, a part of my life. If I’m messing up at the time. That’s a part of my life. If I’m not, it’s a part of my story. And hey, you know, I’ve an entire life to live. That’s just a part.

There’s another quote that reminds me of this that I’d want to use. I can’t remember the words, but basically, I can look at my scars, and choose what I see them as. I can choose to see them as failure. I can choose to see them as victory.

Your past does not define you. My past does not define me. The only person who defines me is myself.

Come join the challenge (if you’re interested ;) – I don’t know if you do these or not…)

Fight to become
Sara
Beckie

Eliza

I want to just be. And I want to just journal.

I want to journal. I want to be. They’re not really contradictory to be honest. I really like what he said to me. That he thinks that when I write there is a certain part of me that is present. For I’ve never been able to put it into words that well. And it’s true. So I want to write. For I like that kind of being present. But I also want to just, be. I’m looking outside and it’s awesome. The blue sky. It’s peaceful. It’s calm. I don’t remember the last time I was this, at peace. And I want to just be with it. I could go outside. I rather be lazy and stay inside.My room is as peaceful as outside, and inside I won’t be afraid of the creatures. I can see if a creature comes. So I opened my journal to write, but was getting distracted by the awesomeness outside, and also I just want to be with it, and can’t do both. So decided to come here, onto my blog, to write here, because then I can do both. Write, and let myself write. And just be with the peace. I can do both. For I don’t think when I write. Continue reading “I want to just be. And I want to just journal.”

Just for today

Today is a new day.
Just for today I want to enjoy the day.
Just for today I want to stay with the reality
Just for today I want to know that however hard it gets, it will pass
Just for today I will know that I’m not alone, god is with me
Just for today I will try not to mess up in order to fight that
Just for today I’ll believe in myself
Just for today I’ll believe in possibility
Just for today I’ll believe in those who believe in me when I don’t believe in myself
Just for today I’ll try stay in the present, stay present, and just breathe
Just for today I’ll try accept my best as my best

I’d love to hear yours :)

Eliza

18th April…

I left work early. Meant to still be in school, well, straight through until 4 today. Needed in school until 11.25. I left my student with some work at 10.55. And, kinda that has to be okay. Not the best option, but, kinda the only option. I wish I could stay in bed all day today. Not really, I’d get bored. I wonder actually if I really would. Get bored that is. Coiled so tightly. If anyone breaks that last straw I’ll be really frustrated with them. They won’t have to handle it. I will. Just drained/tired from last night. Exhausted. If I’d use a colour radar, hey, yeah I know I’m interrupting myself – well this is often why I’m not understandable, I interrupt myself, and jump into interruption b to comment on that, I’m better about it, really I am, but yeah, so anyways, the hey was that it’s cool. Some crap therapist once asked me to fill in a mood diary for each hour of the day. She never understood why I couldn’t fill in any moods. Or why I couldn’t at least draw faces. If I would it’d all be half smiles, very rarely a smiley face, equally as rarely a sad face. I don’t have, have never had, a way to rate what’s going on in my world. If I’d use red, orange, green, and this is the part I’m finding pretty cool – that I’m thinking in colours. Which, really is pretty awesome. I don’t know what colour I’d use now. Probably somewhere between green and orange. More green. Calm this moment. I know it can change in a moment’s time. Left school coz’ had to. I didn’t HAVE to be there, I could leave my student with some work however not ideal that is, so I couldn’t stay. Not sure if I can face work this afternoon, but it’s not like I really have an option. At the moment I can do it. I think as soon as I get there though, or after half an hour, that’ll change. Oh well, will handle that then. Not now.

Interrupting myself again. Journalling, or blogging as it’s on my blog, helps me now, helps me put down what I’m thinking, put it into some semblance of order so that it makes sense to me. I was saying last night that sometimes writing is the worst thing for me to do. Couldn’t write last night. That if I write when in that mode it’ll push it past ‘too much’. Sometimes engaging with what’s going on will help me handle it and make sense of it. Sometimes engaging with it is too much and I’ll cut off/tune out because I try to engage in it. I wish I’d know beforehand which it is. Or really, I wish I’d be able to recognize what’s going on for me. I said it’s cool that I’m thinking in colour terms. It is. Really it is. Yet. It doesn’t help. For I never know what really is what. For like take this moment in time. I would use the colour green honestly. It is the truth. I do know because of yesterday and today, that anything can switch that in a moment to, probably 8/10 in orange terms. Most times I wouldn’t know that. And I’m guessing things don’t just ‘flip a switch’ constantly. Yeah, it will sometimes, probably even often, but there’s also just as often probably a gradual changing. I don’t like writing this. There probably is. Though I’m just not usually aware of it.

It would have helped yesterday if I’d known. When I spoke to AH it pretty quickly spiralled. It’s not that it never has gone that far before. The difference yesterday was that I didn’t actually cut off from it. I was present. Which, yeah, makes it harder, but I’m grateful for that too. Interrupting myself again :) but that’s something I was thinking about often. That sometimes I don’t mind if it’s hard, and sometimes I do. So if it’s hard coz’ of good things, or things I want, then it’s easier to handle than if it’s as hard negatively. Like it’s easier for me to handle being present whilst I’m freaking out, even though I hate it, then to handle when I cut off from it (which I’m pretty certain I wrote here but can’t remember), when I’m there but not there. Though if I’d never been ‘present’ I wouldn’t care. And also, going back, when he asked me what was going on, I actually let him know. I wrote an email and deleted most of it. Kept the part about what I’d been thinking. In the past, once spoke about telling him when it’s too much. Which I told him, I do when I can. I do it in my way. I say what I need in my way, which usually isn’t understood. Like when I asked him to fill the silence. I really needed him to just talk. To stop the spiral going further. Which he didn’t. That wasn’t what I mean though. I’d been thinking that if I had a red card I would’ve picked it up. Although at that point in time I actually wouldn’t have. Was freaking out way too much to be able to do that. But that should have a way of telling him that, and just, I don’t.

It scares me a lot that I freaked out on him and let him know that I did. coz yeah I often have, but whether he knew or not I hadn’t let him in. And I let him in now… and that scares me. DK is the only person who has ever seen me in freak out mode before. And honestly, I think I scared her a lot. She was visiting my town and wanted to come over and being that I never see her I wanted to, and it was too bad, but yeah. So it makes me feel way too vulnerable.

So today I’m exhausted. I don’t know if getting enough sleep would help although it probably would. As soon as put down yesterday got up and had a shower. And then watched a movie. Didn’t fall asleep after so watched ellentube until I could sleep. Today is a new day.

I’m falling asleep whilst spacing out. Have to leave in an hour and 10 minutes to be in school on time. Hmm. Will try give my second group work to do. Don’t and won’t have the ability to teach them. It’s not fair to them. First group are calm enough. Then going on an ‘outing’ to the park, in the heat wave that we were supposed to have :) there’s no sun :( and spent ages this morning trying to find something I’m happy to wear, when I’ve enough clothes for this kinda weather! It’s not freezing though. Which is cool. And last group should also be okay. It’s only the second. And isn’t fair to them but I guess it’s too bad. Maybe I’ll make some cookies. See if the cleaner is still here.

Hey, guess what? well besides for that I’ve pins and needles in some of my fingers making it harder to type, I never knew I could type without looking without using all my fingers… learn something new every day. There’s some blue in the sky!!!!!! Oh, the clouds are covering t as I write this. Oh well, maybe it’ll soon be blue again. If I don’t get up now definitely won’t have time to make those cookies…….

17th April ’18

I want to put this down, although don’t have the head to at the moment. At all. I know if I don’t now I probably never will.

Just finished watching a movie.

Spoke to AH before. Not sure why but I completely freaked out. I’m actually pretty proud of myself. For I didn’t just hang up. Actually, if I’d just hung up, come to think of it, he’d have thought it was to do with him. It never does. I saw something interesting too. I didn’t tune out. Yeah, at some point I did, but, however much I tuned out, I was present. I was thinking how frustrating it was that I wasn’t present in the world. I realized tonight that I actually am present. Yeah, I still do tune out, but I’m present. And though I don’t like being present for this, I appreciate that I’m ‘here’. I asked him to talk to me. He didn’t understand it. Eventually he listened to me and did just talk. Although he felt foolish for it. It really did help. I actually felt bad for him. For he had no clue what was going on. And, I didn’t have the way to tell him that I was in full freak out mode. When he asked me to tell him what was going on it was after he’d spoken for a bit. I wrote him an email. Then cut off most of it, keeping in the part where I said that I’d been thinking that if I had a red card I would have flashed it. It’s strange. He was saying how articulate I can be at times. I can at times. I don’t think anything I write now is going to be making any sense. I’m proud of myself. For staying on skype. For staying with it. For doing what I could to tell him, even if it was way too quiet for him to hear and just didn’t have the strength to repeat myself.

He asked me what would be when he put down. I answered although he didn’t hear. Had a shower, put on a wash, and put on a movie. When I freak out I have to just get busy doing stuff. I don’t really know how to change it, and that doesn’t, but, it’s okay. And in reality, I guess I never used to deal with it, for I’d just cut off. It’s strange how words mean such different things to different people. B cut off I mean that some parts would still be freaking out, but it’d be, distant. Sometimes it’d be like I’m watching it. Sometimes it’d be, and this is something I absolutely hate when it happens, sometimes when I’m freaking and sit down to journal and after 2 sentences it’s just too much, probably coz’ sometimes journaling really helps me to calm down, and sometimes engaging with it probably isn’t the best idea, but I’ve no clue of knowing ever what is what. Then when I sit down to journal after 2 sentences I’m jsut, not there. Dunno how to put it differently. And I hate it. I really do. And I could be still in frozen mode, but not really present. And today I was present. I am present. So although I hate what happened, and I especially hate it coz’ feel way too vulnerable at the moment And I’m surprised that he handled it okay. He was thrown in the deep end. Coz’ yeah I’ve freaked out on AH plenty of times. He’s never known it though. And I’d always cut off from it. So I’d be freaking out, but just wouldn’t be present. He actually dealt with it. The only thing he could have done differently, which he couldn’t have as he didn’t know, was when I told him to just talk, he should’ve just spoken. He thought I just wanted the silence filled. it wasn’t about that. It was too. But more coz’ I couldn’t handle the silence. And the longer the silence the more I couldn’t handle it. And he was putting his foot in it. A lot. I guess I feel a bit bad for him (well, I usually always do, so nothing new there). Though yeah, I guess I’m proud of myself too. And it’s strange. Dunno what will happen when meant to speak next week. Feeling extremely vulnerable. For, he saw me in freak out mode. And, I let him. And that’s not safe.

Gonna try to sleep. I know I likely won’t, but hey, you never know.

I hope that none of this is too incomprehensible, or spelled too horrendously. Don’t have the headspace to make anything make sense at the moment.

‘night world.

Eliza

Conquering the fear of failure.

“A man that is born falls into a dream like a man who falls into the sea. If he tries to climb out into the air, as inexperienced people endeavour to do, he drowns.”

(Joseph Conrad. “Lord Jim”).

I’m going through a tough situation. Time is running out. I got desperate, thinking of all that was at stake, all I could lose with just a ‘faux pas’…

Then I received a phone call from someone who I thought was a friend. Instead of lending me a helping hand, he tried to take advantage of my situation. This turned my state of helplessness into one of anger, and this anger brought me the energy I was lacking to face the situation instead of passively waiting for it to pass and mourn the losses.

I may lose everything anyway, but, instead of playing not to lose, I’ll battle and take pride in myself for losing… but NEVER GIVING UP.

 

Eighty Seven: Dialogue about suicide – 14th Sept ’16

I know I’m random posting some old stuff… but I like the stuff, so it’s getting here. Hope others do too.
Eliza, if I give you the option to die right now would you take it?
Yes. No hesitations
If I tell you that I have the way for you to kill yourself, that would definitely work, would you do it?
I think yes. Though somehow I’d have to think through ending it myself more than it ending

Continue reading “Eighty Seven: Dialogue about suicide – 14th Sept ’16”