Alone

Not sure why I’m in tears. Well, I’m not anymore. Only half. Crying ain’t something I do.

Feeling alone. Was writing this elsewhere. Don’t know if it will help to try and put it down, or if it’ll harm. Well, if it doesn’t help I’ll always just stop writing. Done that often enough. I like typing for I don’t look. I’ve my eyes closed. Lying on my bed. Not sure what to say. I think the title says it all. Alone.

There isn’t anyone I can talk to. I can call S. S.G. that is (if I’m going to initial with surnames too. As there are 4 S’s…). I can actually call S.H too if I’d want. Except that she’ll be asleep with her husband. Well, both will be asleep. M will probably also be sleeping. And I wouldn’t want to call any of them anyways. I’ve nothing to say. And it’s not fair. And they wouldn’t be interested anyways. And I’ve nothing to say.

I hate feeling so alone in the world. And then I know that it’s my fault. If I’d taken up H’s offer, when she sort of offered to be there, she’d be there for me. I’m not interested in anyone being there. I hate people who feel like they have to be there for people. I hate people caring. I can’t handle people caring. And the caring isn’t real anyways. Even if it is, it isn’t. And it doesn’t make a difference if it is or isn’t, coz’, somehow there’s a distance.

I know that no one really cares. I know that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here. And it doesn’t help how much I also know that it isn’t the reality. For I know that it is so. And it is a little strange that this is what I’m thinking about now, when objectively speaking, I’m really in an okay place. Whatever. So yeah, just feeling really alone at the moment. I don’t want people to be here. I don’t want people to care. If anyone would I’d push them away. Not that they would anyways. And yeah, they’d be better off without me. I’ll tell you what I think. Take M. A good friend. Who actually knows me. M and S, well both S.H and S.G know me. As in they really do know me. Somehow they’re still my friends. Most people who are my friends are my friends so long as they need me. And then they leave. Then they call when they want something. I can’t figure where R fits in. What she wants from me. Why she’d want to be my friend. She’s way too ‘normal’ for lack of a better word. Besides that she lives in a different country and I rarely see her or speak to her. She actually keeps the relationship going, and I don’t know why. With the other people, I wonder, if I wouldn’t keep my part of the relationship, if they wouldn’t need me, would they be here? The answer is no. They wouldn’t. I know it. And it’s normal. And, dunno. I don’t know what I want. I want people to care. Yet I don’t. If anyone does I won’t be able to handle it. I remember when I got burned. When people asked me how I was I’d flip out on them. Couldn’t deal with it. I hated that my dad prepared me an apple. Hated that he’d do it for me when I couldn’t. Any other time I’d have appreciated it. I hate this. I hate that really it’s just my issue.

Coz’ objectively speaking, my family care. I know they care for their sakes more than for mine. But they care. my friends care. For their sakes too. But they care. I just don’t believe that they do. I honestly don’t. And that’s not anyone’s issue but my own. So I’m feeling alone. And that’s my own issue. For not being able to believe that anyone can want to be here as part of my life. And then I wonder if it really is my issue. For in reality it’s also the truth.

I don’t know anymore.

Eliza

18th April…

I left work early. Meant to still be in school, well, straight through until 4 today. Needed in school until 11.25. I left my student with some work at 10.55. And, kinda that has to be okay. Not the best option, but, kinda the only option. I wish I could stay in bed all day today. Continue reading “18th April…”

Eighty Seven: Dialogue about suicide – 14th Sept ’16

I know I’m random posting some old stuff… but I like the stuff, so it’s getting here. Hope others do too.
Eliza, if I give you the option to die right now would you take it?
Yes. No hesitations
If I tell you that I have the way for you to kill yourself, that would definitely work, would you do it?
I think yes. Though somehow I’d have to think through ending it myself more than it ending

Continue reading “Eighty Seven: Dialogue about suicide – 14th Sept ’16”

Shards

I wrote this elsewhere, and decided to take it and go with it, try make something positive of it.

As I said, I feel like I’ve fallen off the cliff edge and have no clue how to prepare myself for landing, or what even is at the bottom, way too far off for me to see. 
Continue reading “Shards”

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