Alone

Have I ever said that I feel alone?

Just thinking.

I’m doing okay. Really. There’s just no real stability there. At all. And I want there to be.

It can’t last. And that’s actually okay.

There isn’t anyone who, if I mess up, would be there to help me pick up the pieces.

Did I ever say that I feel alone? It’s not that I feel alone. It’s kinda the reality. Not just kind of. It is. I know it’s a good thing that I actually want it (people) but, doesn’t make a difference.

Eliza

Letter to AH 29th April ’18

Dear AH

I’m going to try and put this down although I’ve no clue how to. As I’ve mentioned, I’m frustrated with you. It’s not that I think you’ve done anything wrong, I actually don’t, yet I’m frustrated. And not really sure how to explain it. I feel like you don’t hear anything I ever say. I know you’ve actually answered that before. With what I think is evident is not even latent. Doesn’t really help to know that. For it goes back to the fact that I feel like I’m talking a different language to most the universe.

Continue reading “Letter to AH 29th April ’18”

Letter to myself: 18th August ’17

Eliza

It’s okay. It’s okay. Just breathe. You are okay. You will be okay. I promise you. It will get easier. I know it can’t seem possible. You are worth it. Eliza, I promise you it’s okay. It’s okay if you’re scared. It’s okay if you’re freaking. It’s okay if you use. It’s okay if you hate yourself. I don’t like how much you hate yourself, but, it’s okay. Whatever is, or isn’t, I promise you it’s okay. I love you. Continue reading “Letter to myself: 18th August ’17”

Thinking about using

I’m constantly thinking about using painkillers. Less so about self harming, although that to. Often about throwing up, but that doesn’t feel like a need. Using and SH do. I know it’s not, but doesn’t change how it registers. I’m tired of thinking about it so much. I’m tired of constantly distracting. I’m tired of ignoring. I’m tired of acknowledging and moving on. Actually, I don’t acknowledge how much I want it enough.

Continue reading “Thinking about using”

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