Changing the focus to get some control.

I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and get easily caught by desperation; my focus of attention becomes the problem and a kind of tunnel vision does not allow me to make good decisions.

I have read somewhere that one of the causes of anxiety is the feeling of lack of control of a situation. Therefore, I’m trying to grasp at least a little bit of control in any circumstance by changing my focus.

When the feared situation is in the near future, I try thinking past it, as if it were already solved. That is: I lengthen my scope – I become “long-sighted”.

But when the problem ahead seems to depend on a number of coordinated decisions in time, and looks overwhelming and scary, I shorten my scope to the next step. I tackle each step, one at a time.

If nothing seems to depend of my decisions (like waiting for a result of a medical test, for a buyer for my home, etc), then it’s pointless to worry anyway. But I do! So I focus on other situations in my past: in most of them, the feared ‘reasonable’ outcome didn’t happen. And I remind myself to “let go and let God” (whatever God/higher power you believe in) or flow with the Tao of events.

I can testify about many times in my life when I was in a tragic deadlock or got to the rock-bottom, and my fate changed its course abruptly for something unimaginably better.


Random, SH, 28th March

I was cooking and managed to cut my hand. Nothing major it just stings. And I should be washing up and plastering my hand, which I can’t be bothered for. It makes me wonder. What it’ll be like to do this intentionally. I haven’t gone there in so long. Cutting never worked. It did at one point and then at some point in time I realized that however much I’d cut it would never be enough. I’d sat there with a razor for half an hour. And it couldn’t be enough.

Continue reading “Random, SH, 28th March”

Eighty Five: A universe to discover.

I’m an Aspie. This makes me part of the lucky ones: those who never ever get bored. How could one get bored when there are so many things to learn and master, to discover, create and invent, to enjoy, TO BE PASSIONATE ABOUT!

Enthusiasm comes from another ancient greek word meaning “possessed by a god”. It’s an eternal flame burning inside.

Just tring to invent hacks for daily situations can be so rewarding!

You’re never alone when the whole universe is inside you.


Letter to myself: 25th March ’18

It’s been a while

Dear Eliza

It feels like an age since I’ve last really written to you. Tuned into it. You’re worth it Eliza. The world a’spins. Life a’spins. Your mind a’spins. What does a’spins mean, exactly? Spinning, spinning, spinning, round and round without stop. I’m proud of you Eliza. You’ve really gotten so far. I know you don’t see it. I know you’re scared of it. Scared to see it. Scared you’re gonna fail. Scared that it’s all a mirage. You’re doing okay Eliza. I know it’s hard. Sometimes it seems tougher than it ever has. And it’s weird, for it’s so hard, but it can’t really be harder than it was, for then you were fighting ending life, and now you aren’t. Yet, it is. It’s a different kind of hard. It’s a different kind of struggle. That’s what I mean Eliza. That you’ve come far. You’re not struggling with the same things. Yeah you think about death. Yet you want to live. Yeah you think about messing up. Yet you don’t want to enter that spiral. Using is a mirage too. It seems so glamorous. It seems like it’ll solve everything. Yet it doesn’t. For life is different. When you’ve learned how to type at 70WPM, typing at 30WPM is no longer fast, and no longer gives you the excitement it used to. When you’ve dealt with life by living it, even though not coping with it, using any of the tools you used to handle it won’t help for they don’t handle the now which is different to the past.

I love you Eliza. I don’t know what will be. I don’t know how you’ll get there. I don’t know where the there even is. I do know that you’ll do it.

I think your analogy is pretty apt. The one where you were saying how you felt at the moment. Like you’ve fallen off a cliff and you have no clue what is the at the bottom and you don’t know how to position yourself to land, or how far landing even is.

I love the quote you saw today. When you fall off a cliff it’s so you can learn to fly. What do those wings look like? Are they pretty? Are they strong? What colour are they? What design do these wings have?

You’re special Eliza. You’ll get there. You’re worth it. I don’t know what this there looks like. You don’t need to know what it looks like. It’s the journey that’s the there. The being okay with living this journey. The serenity of knowing that you can do it. That you don’t have to get off the train. That you’re strong enough to live through this life. It won’t always be easy Eliza. I don’t know when it ever has been easy. I don’t know if it ever will be. I know that sometimes it’ll be fun. I know that it’ll be filled with colour. You’ve been robbed of these colours for so long. The world is filled with colour. Sometimes it just seems dark. But the darkness is colour. And the intensity of it all gets overwhelming. When it gets ‘too much’ instead of just being pretty. When you want to rob the world of it’s colour again. Take it back to the washed out version you’re used to living with. Where you know what everything is. Instead of this vibrancy that you don’t recognize. And then you miss the beauty. And wish you could get it back. It is beautiful Eliza. This world. Life is beautiful. All of it. The train ride. Of life. One day, you’ll love being on the train.

And Eliza, it’s okay. It picks up speed. It slows down. It travels through tunnels. over bridges. By water. Through vast empty fields. Fields of colour. Fields dead by drought. Butterflies flying. Moths flying. The world is filled with beauty. Blackness is stunning too. Is strength. Serenity. When it’s a backdrop. When it’s not everything. When you know that the tunnel takes you to the lake.

Love you ‘liza.


Eighty Four: Moments

My reason to live?  Moments.

Moments of serenity. 
Moments of peace and happiness, for no good reason. 
Moments of laughing so hard you can barely breathe. 
Moments of connecting. to people. to music. to yourself.
Moments of deep love.
Moments of understanding. 
Moments of accomplishment.
Moments of giving.
Moments that feel so good, especially because the moment preceding it was so painful.
Moments when life feels right.
Moments that are hard to come by, which is exactly why they feel so right.
They don’t come as often anymore, lately, for me. But they’re a nudge in the right direction, to keep on living :)

Eighty Three: Stray pets

One of my most powerful reasons are my four stray pets. And, if I could afford it, I’d have some more. I owe all the animals I met in my life the feeling of being loved, the way I am, unconditionally. My parents loved me very much, but
they had expectations about me. Sometimes I disappointed them because I couldn’t measure up to them, and sometimes they couldn’t understand that what they wanted for me was not what I wanted my life to be. Continue reading “Eighty Three: Stray pets”


When you are confronted by a maelstrom of thoughts bouncing around your mind. You just don’t know which way is up or which way is down, what is black, what is white.Just don’t know what to listen to and what thought(s) to ignore.

Oh the temptation is there, to go back to what was once was. Where familiarity could equal comfort.  That cheap temporary escape from perceived reality. That escape deep down you know will only last for a moment, if any. It’s like watching a movie or reading a book repeatedly over a period of time; the enjoyment is there. But going back after so long a time. the same effect is no longer there, just hollow memories of what was once was. Continue reading “Maelstrom”

Using (TW)

I want to use.

It doesn’t help for me to know where it’ll lead. I’ve worked that through. If I use now I’ll still want to. And if I continue to, it’ll just be more, and more. So now I’ll take a couple of codeine’s. Which isn’t anything. Logically too. Later it’ll be more. Then tomorrow it’ll be more. And not only once a day. Continue reading “Using (TW)”

Eighty Two: Waking up – okay

I woke up this morning. The sun was shining. A clear sky. The weather actually makes a difference to me. Ready to face the day. Spent the morning and most of the day, just, okay. And it’s fun to just be okay. I’m grateful for it.

What are you grateful for today?

So long,