We are the world, and each one of us can make a difference. Continue reading “WATWB: One add one add one equals…”
I wasn’t sure whether to post this as a reason, so I’m linking my previous reason here http://elizareasonstolive.com/wp/sixty-two-change/
I’m scared of change. I hate change. I want what I know. Continue reading “Change”
I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and get easily caught by desperation; my focus of attention becomes the problem and a kind of tunnel vision does not allow me to make good decisions. Continue reading “Changing the focus to get some control.”
I was cooking and managed to cut my hand. Nothing major it just stings. And I should be washing up and plastering my hand, which I can’t be bothered for. It makes me wonder. What it’ll be like to do this intentionally. I haven’t gone there in so long. Cutting never worked. It did at one point and then at some point in time I realized that however much I’d cut it would never be enough. I’d sat there with a razor for half an hour. And it couldn’t be enough.
I’m an Aspie. This makes me part of the lucky ones: those who never ever get bored. How could one get bored when there are so many things to learn and master, to discover, create and invent, to enjoy, TO BE PASSIONATE ABOUT! Continue reading “Eighty Five: A universe to discover.”
It’s been a while
It feels like an age since I’ve last really written to you. Tuned into it. You’re worth it Eliza. The world a’spins. Life a’spins. Your mind a’spins. What does a’spins mean, exactly? Spinning, spinning, spinning, round and round without stop. I’m proud of you Eliza. You’ve really gotten so far. I know you don’t see it. I know you’re scared of it. Scared to see it. Scared you’re gonna fail. Scared that it’s all a mirage. You’re doing okay Eliza. I know it’s hard. Sometimes it seems tougher than it ever has. And it’s weird, for it’s so hard, but it can’t really be harder than it was, for then you were fighting ending life, and now you aren’t. Yet, it is. It’s a different kind of hard. It’s a different kind of struggle. That’s what I mean Eliza. That you’ve come far. You’re not struggling with the same things. Yeah you think about death. Yet you want to live. Yeah you think about messing up. Yet you don’t want to enter that spiral. Using is a mirage too. It seems so glamorous. It seems like it’ll solve everything. Yet it doesn’t. For life is different. When you’ve learned how to type at 70WPM, typing at 30WPM is no longer fast, and no longer gives you the excitement it used to. When you’ve dealt with life by living it, even though not coping with it, using any of the tools you used to handle it won’t help for they don’t handle the now which is different to the past.
I love you Eliza. I don’t know what will be. I don’t know how you’ll get there. I don’t know where the there even is. I do know that you’ll do it.
I think your analogy is pretty apt. The one where you were saying how you felt at the moment. Like you’ve fallen off a cliff and you have no clue what is the at the bottom and you don’t know how to position yourself to land, or how far landing even is.
I love the quote you saw today. When you fall off a cliff it’s so you can learn to fly. What do those wings look like? Are they pretty? Are they strong? What colour are they? What design do these wings have?
You’re special Eliza. You’ll get there. You’re worth it. I don’t know what this there looks like. You don’t need to know what it looks like. It’s the journey that’s the there. The being okay with living this journey. The serenity of knowing that you can do it. That you don’t have to get off the train. That you’re strong enough to live through this life. It won’t always be easy Eliza. I don’t know when it ever has been easy. I don’t know if it ever will be. I know that sometimes it’ll be fun. I know that it’ll be filled with colour. You’ve been robbed of these colours for so long. The world is filled with colour. Sometimes it just seems dark. But the darkness is colour. And the intensity of it all gets overwhelming. When it gets ‘too much’ instead of just being pretty. When you want to rob the world of it’s colour again. Take it back to the washed out version you’re used to living with. Where you know what everything is. Instead of this vibrancy that you don’t recognize. And then you miss the beauty. And wish you could get it back. It is beautiful Eliza. This world. Life is beautiful. All of it. The train ride. Of life. One day, you’ll love being on the train.
And Eliza, it’s okay. It picks up speed. It slows down. It travels through tunnels. over bridges. By water. Through vast empty fields. Fields of colour. Fields dead by drought. Butterflies flying. Moths flying. The world is filled with beauty. Blackness is stunning too. Is strength. Serenity. When it’s a backdrop. When it’s not everything. When you know that the tunnel takes you to the lake.
Love you ‘liza.
My reason to live? Moments. Continue reading “Eighty Four: Moments”
One of my most powerful reasons are my four stray pets. And, if I could afford it, I’d have some more. I owe all the animals I met in my life the feeling of being loved, the way I am, unconditionally. My parents loved me very much, but they had expectations about me. Continue reading “Eighty Three: Stray pets”
When you are confronted by a maelstrom of thoughts bouncing around your mind. You just don’t know which way is up or which way is down, what is black, what is white.Just don’t know what to listen to and what thought(s) to ignore. Continue reading “Maelstrom”
I want to use.
It doesn’t help for me to know where it’ll lead. I’ve worked that through. If I use now I’ll still want to. And if I continue to, it’ll just be more, and more. So now I’ll take a couple of codeine’s. Which isn’t anything. Logically too. Later it’ll be more. Then tomorrow it’ll be more. And not only once a day. Continue reading “Using (TW)”
I woke up this morning. The sun was shining. A clear sky. The weather actually makes a difference to me. Ready to face the day. Spent the morning and most of the day, just, okay. And it’s fun to just be okay. I’m grateful for it.
What are you grateful for today?
I messed up last night. By using codeine. Nothing really (twas just 3), but whatever it is counts as using if it’s to use, and not as pain relief. Well, I guess using is pain relief ;) but yah.
I’m disappointed, as, if I hadn’t, Wednesday would have been 6 months.
I kinda feel like, I messed up, I may as well make the most of it.
But, today is a new day. Continue reading “Eighty One: Today is a new day”
I’m sad. Disappointed with myself. Took a couple of codeine. it doesn’t do anything, but, whatever. Gonna try write to myself.
I love you.
You didn’t fail, you know. Continue reading “Letter to myself: 17th March ’18”
I guess this can count as a reason. I’m grateful for it either way :)
I wanted to curl my hair before. I’m going out tonight and thought I’d do it, rather than keep it up (at the moment I’m wearing my hair up, it’s a little bit of a mess). I don’t have a curler in my room. Well, I do, a new one that hasn’t been opened and that I never use in order to preserve it’s newness. Continue reading “Eighty: The Pause (TW – SH)”