No answers here…. not at the moment. Maybe I’ll try answer this later.
I just so want to mess up. And I so can. I’ve enough to do so.
Why’m I getting up
I was reading this post: https://boundlessblessingsblog.wordpress.com/2016/11/14/be-that-one-today/
It made me think.
One smile. One word. One deed. Can change someone’s life. One choice. One action. Can change a life. Yours. Mine. Someone else’s. Continue reading “Seventy Nine: One choice”
Warning, may act as a trigger
December I fought the urge to harm. But January I caved in. But this time it was different. Before there was that sense of relief, sense of release, sense of escape. But now there was nothing. Just emptiness, apart from that question of why, why was I doing it? What was I hoping to achieve? Continue reading “Empty”
I haven’t written to myself in a while. I don’t feel the need to in the same way. Not sure if I should try and continue writing to myself nightly, or stop with it.
What do you think? – about whether I should continue with this nightly or not for now? Continue reading “LTM: 24th February ’18”
This began as an incoherent blog post, I think though, that it can be a reason too incomprehensible or not. Continue reading “Seventy Eight: Instead of fighting”
I want to still type out one of my other letter’s to myself, but not at the moment. I guess when I write it on here (like now) it gets posted on here, otherwise it sometimes happens later. Tired now. Probably gonna be short but will be see. Continue reading “Letter to myself: 15th February”
I woke up this morning and ‘just had to’ take a picture of what I see from my window.
Hi again :) Welcome to the end of another day. Just to tell you that I’m proud of you. That I love you. That I’m with you. That you are okay. And that you are worth it and deserve it. Continue reading “Letter to myself: 13th February ’18”
It’s the end of yet another day. The day’s seem endless now, but they won’t always be this long. There’ll come a time when you wonder where the days flew to, why you have so little time.
There’ll come a time…. Continue reading “Letter to myself: 12th February ’18”
Hi. Today’s letter comes to tell you that you’re okay. Yes, I know you’ve been messing up a little with food. Yes I know you’re struggling. Yes I know you’re confused. Yes I know you’re cutting off. Hurting, a lot. You’re okay. You are Eliza. You’ve proven it to yourself by not yet messing up. Continue reading “Letter to myself: 11th February”
Used to wear these scars as a reminder of the shame when my weakness shone through, of when I broke and succumbed to the voices of self hatred, of when despondency took over and the only escape was this.
For the few who saw these scars I could sense, feel, smell even their revulsion coming through which almost mirrored the loathing I had for myself. All I knew, all that I had acceded was that each scar hid the ugliness within myself. It almost acted as a protective barrier, preventing others from seeing me from the way which I viewed myself.
But now, these marks no longer bother me. People can look, stare, mutter amongst themselves. But I no longer feel shame, no longer feel obliged to look them in the eye and ask for forgiveness.
And the reason why? Because I wear each scar as a badge of honour, a sense of pride of having come through those dark nights. Each scar I see as a battle I fought with myself and won.
I hate sitting to write letters to myself when I’ve nothing to say. Kinda tuned out and it’s hard to try connect when there’s seemingly nothing to connect to. Oh well, will try.
I don’t really know what to say. I wish I could make the world safe enough
Well, I had to wait until a Friday to write this post. But it had to a Friday that I really felt it was a reason.
I’m stuck for words. Not quite sure what to tell you. Just breathe. I’m proud of you. Luv ya Eliza. It’ll be okay. Everything will be okay. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end. You are okay always. You deserve to be okay. Just breathe Eliza. Just as you think others don’t deserve what is, you don’t either. Continue reading “Letter to myself: 8th February”