Seventy Eight: Instead of fighting

This began as an incoherent blog post, I think though, that it can be a reason too incomprehensible or not.

Just gonna try and put what I’m thinking down coherently.

I know this is stuff I’ve known logically for a long time, but it’s kinda a new realization for me, however much I’ve known it.

The background to this post is that I’ve been struggling a lot the past few months. In a good way. I’ve been learning what it likes to actually live in the world, and live in the present, live with reality, and live with mindfulness too, it’s awesome! And it’s hard, as it brings up everything I’ve been running away from too. It’s been hard. A couple of weeks ago the world, which I was beginning to handle now that I was actually living in the world, had a bottle of oil poured over it, and has therefore been slipping out of my grasp. I was handling it okay for the first few days, but, when I was dealing with a crisis, and AH (therapist skyping) really hurt me, actually not through anything wrong he did, more what he didn’t do, but then didn’t actually try to understand when I was trying to explain it to him, it was too much.

For the past week I’ve been throwing up. I do want to lose weight, and have thought about making an issue with food, but that’s not why I’ve been doing it.  I’m not actually sure why. Maybe because of the way it takes me out of the ‘real’ world and into the alternate reality of my head. Maybe it’s the control. I don’t know. I do know that I need to stop. I have to stop now, when it’s not yet been a week. However much as soon as I started I was immediately back into the food game, it’s still not been that long. It’s surprising to me to see how once I did it once, it was after almost everything I ate, and it affects the way I eat. I don’t mind losing the weight I need to. Throwing up won’t cause that. Not eating enough will. I want to eat enough though. I don’t want to be purging. I want to be living a healthy lifestyle. I want to be living IN the world. I found it hard, excruciatingly painful, to be living in the world, but I loved it.

It brought with something awesome, too. Living in the world I mean. I’ve never known what I felt. I was once asked by a crap therapist to fill in a mood diary, every hour write what I was feeling. I thought she was crazy. She eventually asked me to write if it was good or bad. I actually wasn’t able to do it. My repertoire for feelings were freaking out or nothing. It eventually extended to frustrated, okay, and calm. Living in the world has added some more. Guilt. Fear. Anxiety. On edge. Stressed. Anger. I’m just noticing now that they’re all ‘negative’  feelings. I’ve wanted to know what I was feeling for a while. I never tune into it now either, but it’s interesting that when I think about a situation now, I can actually name some of what it brings up for me. It may only be some, but if this is what living in the world instead of living in the alternate reality of my head, brings with it, I want it. Yeah, it’s scary. Terrifying is more accurate. Especially because at the moment all is the negative that I’ve never seen. Plus, living surrounded by walls is a hell of a lot safer. I can’t be hurt that way. But, it’s living. I don’t know how to put it into words other than that, that it’s living, and if I’m living life, I want to be really living, and not just, pretend living.

Using anything at all has clouded it all. I want to stop. Fighting never works for me. It has never worked. If I fight what I want I’ll just end up losing, and be exhausted from the battle. I’m not strong enough for the fight. Nor am I strong enough to hold back from sheer will power. The other day after I went and threw up yet again and was annoyed about it, I realized that I don’t need to fight it, and I don’t especially need to act on it. For, I can acknowledge what I want, accept what I want. And, acknowledging it doesn’t mean acting on it. Somehow to me, if I want it, I have to do it. There isn’t the pause in between. Yeah I’m impulsive 🙂 often been asked if I’ve ADHD (that’s when my head is whirling and everything rambles one from one to the other with no coherence in it). But, acknowledging it doesn’t make it wrong. I don’t want to think of what I do as ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’. It isn’t. As someone wrote to me once, it’s a way of trying to stay safe. It is my way of trying to stay safe. To handle a world that’s way too overwhelming. And I can’t fight it. But, that doesn’t mean I have to act on it.

I know it sounds obvious. But, it’s kinda like the obvious that, just didn’t click, which, somehow it has now. That the way to handle what I want is to recognize it. If I’m not aware of it I’ll definitely act on it. I never used to be aware of what I was going to do until I already had done it. It took a really long time for me to see that there was usually, even if just for a moment, awareness beforehand. I can’t say there’s forethought, for there mostly isn’t, but awareness there usually is. The more I tune into the world, the more I see it. And by tuning into what I want, I can acknowledge it. And accept it. That yes, right now I want to do xyz. I realized it, and, then I was going to bring a plastic bag to my room to prepare painkillers (empty into a bag, get rid of the packaging). For what, I’m not sure, it’s just I need it prepared. Let it be. Be with it. Okay, so I need it prepared. Okay so I really need it prepared. And, it’s okay that I do. And move on. Doesn’t mean I have to go and do it. So at this moment in time I ate a lot of cookies. Was baking since I was hungry and ate a lot more than was healthy. I want to throw up. I feel guilty for eating so much. And, it’s okay. I feel guilty for eating. I want to get rid of the food. I don’t need to act on it. I think that it won’t only help with it, but it’ll help me tune into what’s going on for me at that moment in time.

I was journaling it through earlier today, here is this part of it: Ate…. want to throw up. Okay, so I want to throw up, I feel guilty for having eaten so much (so much being maybe an egg) and wrong that I did. Okay, so I want to throw up. Does that mean I have to? No. I don’t need to. I just really want to. I also don’t want to, as it’s not healthy. As I think the obsessing and acting may play a part in the film covering everything and I want to live back in the real world….. So yeah, I want to throw up. And that’s okay.

I don’t know where this awareness will take me to. I don’t know how much it’ll help. I think it’ll help for the moments I use it. For me the moments don’t extend very much. So I can acknowledge, and accept it, but, 2 moments later I’ll want it again, and I’m not sure I’ll always have the energy to apply it. And it means tuning in a lot. So I don’t yet know where this’ll take me. I feel like I’ve learned something new. Although it’s probably not really new, for me it seems new, so I’m happy about that. And I want to live in the world. Really want to get back to that. Irrespective of how hard I know it’s going to be. It was difficult, but it was the good kind of hard. Which I really and truly want.

Here goes to learning to recognize what I want, and accept it and move on, without actually acting on it. You joining me?


Letter to myself: 13th February ’18

Dear Eliza

Hi again 🙂 Welcome to the end of another day. Just to tell you that I’m proud of you. That I love you. That I’m with you. That you are okay. And that you are worth it and deserve it. Well, that’s the point always in writing to you. Yeah Eliza I’m proud of you. For doing your best. For trying to work through things. For doing what you think is the next right thing. I’m proud of you as you mess up (throw up). Coz’ you’re doing your best. I love you always. When the world give up you have your greatest ally at your side – yourself. You’re doing your best, your best may not be exactly as you wish it would be, but you’re doing whatever you can and putting in as much as you can. You are okay. Regardless of anything going on around you. I’m sad for you and with you. That it’s all gotten to be way too much so you’ve covered it all with a film. You loved that you were living in the world. I loved that you were living in the world. You still are, but with some disconnect. I guess that’s what messing with food via throwing up is giving to you. If it were to lose weight or disappear you’d stop eating. Throwing up has never caused weight loss for you. And although I’m sad that you’ve covered the world again, created a distance between you and it, I’m also okay with it. That you’re doing what you can to stay safe. Although it’s not the most amazing way to keep yourself safe, I don’t actually know of another way for you to have stayed tuned into it all and (can’t read what I wrote 🙁 ) it and stayed safe with it.

And Eliza, you’ll get it back. I think you’re more present now that you used to be, so even though it is not as tuned in as the past couple of months, they’ve given you something, and you can and will get back there. I guess that’s why you stopped throwing up a few months ago without actively trying to stop, for you didn’t need it, so it tapered off itself.

You’re okay Eliza. You will get there. Follow your dreams. Keep on doing what you are. One day the pieces will fall into place. You can and will do it. I believe in you.

Love you Eliza,


Seventy Six: Badges of Honour

Used to wear these scars as a reminder of the shame when my weakness shone through, of when I broke and succumbed to the voices of self hatred, of when despondency took over and the only escape was this.

For the few who saw these scars I could sense, feel, smell even their revulsion coming through which almost mirrored the loathing I had for myself. All I knew, all that I had acceded was that each scar hid the ugliness within myself. It almost acted as a protective barrier, preventing others from seeing me from the way which I viewed myself.

But now, these marks no longer bother me. People can look, stare, mutter amongst themselves. But I no longer feel shame, no longer feel obliged to look them in the eye and ask for forgiveness.
And the reason why? Because I wear each scar as a badge of honour, a sense of pride of having come through those dark nights. Each scar I see as a battle I fought with myself and won.