Alone

Not sure why I’m in tears. Well, I’m not anymore. Only half. Crying ain’t something I do.

Feeling alone. Was writing this elsewhere. Don’t know if it will help to try and put it down, or if it’ll harm. Well, if it doesn’t help I’ll always just stop writing. Done that often enough. I like typing for I don’t look. I’ve my eyes closed. Lying on my bed. Not sure what to say. I think the title says it all. Alone.

There isn’t anyone I can talk to. I can call S. S.G. that is (if I’m going to initial with surnames too. As there are 4 S’s…). I can actually call S.H too if I’d want. Except that she’ll be asleep with her husband. Well, both will be asleep. M will probably also be sleeping. And I wouldn’t want to call any of them anyways. I’ve nothing to say. And it’s not fair. And they wouldn’t be interested anyways. And I’ve nothing to say.

I hate feeling so alone in the world. And then I know that it’s my fault. If I’d taken up H’s offer, when she sort of offered to be there, she’d be there for me. I’m not interested in anyone being there. I hate people who feel like they have to be there for people. I hate people caring. I can’t handle people caring. And the caring isn’t real anyways. Even if it is, it isn’t. And it doesn’t make a difference if it is or isn’t, coz’, somehow there’s a distance.

I know that no one really cares. I know that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here. And it doesn’t help how much I also know that it isn’t the reality. For I know that it is so. And it is a little strange that this is what I’m thinking about now, when objectively speaking, I’m really in an okay place. Whatever. So yeah, just feeling really alone at the moment. I don’t want people to be here. I don’t want people to care. If anyone would I’d push them away. Not that they would anyways. And yeah, they’d be better off without me. I’ll tell you what I think. Take M. A good friend. Who actually knows me. M and S, well both S.H and S.G know me. As in they really do know me. Somehow they’re still my friends. Most people who are my friends are my friends so long as they need me. And then they leave. Then they call when they want something. I can’t figure where R fits in. What she wants from me. Why she’d want to be my friend. She’s way too ‘normal’ for lack of a better word. Besides that she lives in a different country and I rarely see her or speak to her. She actually keeps the relationship going, and I don’t know why. With the other people, I wonder, if I wouldn’t keep my part of the relationship, if they wouldn’t need me, would they be here? The answer is no. They wouldn’t. I know it. And it’s normal. And, dunno. I don’t know what I want. I want people to care. Yet I don’t. If anyone does I won’t be able to handle it. I remember when I got burned. When people asked me how I was I’d flip out on them. Couldn’t deal with it. I hated that my dad prepared me an apple. Hated that he’d do it for me when I couldn’t. Any other time I’d have appreciated it. I hate this. I hate that really it’s just my issue.

Coz’ objectively speaking, my family care. I know they care for their sakes more than for mine. But they care. my friends care. For their sakes too. But they care. I just don’t believe that they do. I honestly don’t. And that’s not anyone’s issue but my own. So I’m feeling alone. And that’s my own issue. For not being able to believe that anyone can want to be here as part of my life. And then I wonder if it really is my issue. For in reality it’s also the truth.

I don’t know anymore.

Eliza

3 Day Quote Challenge – Day 2

Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
  • Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
  • Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.

Thank you Anita!

My quote for today

My past does not define me.

I’ve messed up in my life. I’ve used food – eating too much, throwing up, not eating at all. Self harm. Painkillers. And some other things. I’ve scars. The first time I wrote this quote was actually using henna tattoo. I covered my thigh with it and took a picture. I don’t quite remember why I did that, I think because I wanted to believe it. Now I actually don’t define myself by what I do or don’t do. At all. I can’t say I never think of it, but it’s not usually an issue. It’s just, a part of my life. If I’m messing up at the time. That’s a part of my life. If I’m not, it’s a part of my story. And hey, you know, I’ve an entire life to live. That’s just a part.

There’s another quote that reminds me of this that I’d want to use. I can’t remember the words, but basically, I can look at my scars, and choose what I see them as. I can choose to see them as failure. I can choose to see them as victory.

Your past does not define you. My past does not define me. The only person who defines me is myself.

Come join the challenge (if you’re interested ;) – I don’t know if you do these or not…)

Fight to become
Sara
Beckie

Eliza

I want to just be. And I want to just journal.

I want to journal. I want to be. They’re not really contradictory to be honest. I really like what he said to me. That he thinks that when I write there is a certain part of me that is present. For I’ve never been able to put it into words that well. And it’s true. So I want to write. For I like that kind of being present. But I also want to just, be. I’m looking outside and it’s awesome. The blue sky. It’s peaceful. It’s calm. I don’t remember the last time I was this, at peace. And I want to just be with it. I could go outside. I rather be lazy and stay inside.My room is as peaceful as outside, and inside I won’t be afraid of the creatures. I can see if a creature comes. So I opened my journal to write, but was getting distracted by the awesomeness outside, and also I just want to be with it, and can’t do both. So decided to come here, onto my blog, to write here, because then I can do both. Write, and let myself write. And just be with the peace. I can do both. For I don’t think when I write. Continue reading “I want to just be. And I want to just journal.”

3 Day Quote Challenge – Day 1

Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
  • Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
  • Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.

Thank you Anita!

For Day 1, my quote is ‘Go as long as you can, then take another step’

go as long as you can, and then take another step1802587745..jpg

I’m choosing this quote as it is what stood by me through some tough times. It became my byline. Go as long as you can. Then take another step. Sometimes that step was just standing still. Sometimes that step meant just not crossing any lines. Sometimes that step meant doing something brave and courageous. Just another step.

Come join the challenge (if you’re interested ;) – I don’t know if you do these or not…)

Amber
Josh
Rachel

Eliza

Eighty Five: Going backwards to go forwards

I’m not sure why I feel like I’ve written something like this before, either way.

I was actually discussing this with someone, I was trying to tell her why it isn’t necessarily wrong to go backwards.
Sometimes you have to go backwards in order to go forwards. Like when you pull back the bow to give the arrow momentum to get even further. I was actually sharing with her the fact that I was fighting (I didn’t give her details), that I was fighting the fact that god was in control, to the extent that I was wrecking my life. Yeah, the things I use will and does wreck my life (in this case it was painkillers, a month before it’d been food, and was debating self harming a lot). Pretty literally. And I want(ed?) control enough, however futile it may be, that I’ll destroy myself to exert it. I was telling her that at the same time I knew that however much it may be going backwards, it was and is also going forwards. For, I was fighting….. If I was fighting it means I was gonna get somewhere when I’d stop fighting. It means I’m fighting something that when I stop fighting I’ll be able to use to help me. For why do you fight? The only time a person, definitely myself, fights a concept, is when I know it to be true. Else I don’t need to fight it. Like I don’t hate someone I’ve no connection with. They’re irrelevant to me. So fighting, even if I was destroying myself over it, was going backwards. To go forwards. Was using, yeah, but in order that at some point I can use the same need in order not to use.

I’m not fighting the fact that someone created me and has control as much as I was. I’m not sure why not. Maybe I’ve come to some sort of acceptance that won’t last (until I work through it)? Shouldn’t be negative about that. I do hope it lasts. Just trying not to expect anything. Trying to know that this is now, and hopefully it’ll last and it’s okay if I fight it again. I’ve not been using. I know it’s correlated (for in this case I was using because I wanted to prove that I was in control, for I knew that if I let whatever is in control take charge I don’t need to use, for there is a power greater than me that can sort my life out, so therefore I had to use, to prove that I was in control. It actually makes some sense, however convoluted it may be). I don’t need to prove my control at this moment. I still have to work through my anger with god. I still have to work through how much it bothers me that he’s in control. I have to work through my need for control (though that’s way later in the game). I have to come to understand why the world was created. I have to understand why I was created. At least understand it enough – I have to be able to accept it. Accept the fact that there is a power greater than me. Accept the fact that I’m here in this world even though at the moment I’m angry with god for creating me. When I’m ready to handle it, I will work through it. That day isn’t today. I’ll know when I’m able to. And, I will get there. (For this moment I accept that I don’t understand, and that when I’m ready to work through it hopefully I will understand, and that either way, I can use what I know to help me, rather than to destroy me.)

Yeah, you can go backwards. As long as you keep your eye on the goal. I can go backwards. The path up a mountain sometimes goes down in order to avoid those boulders that it wouldn’t be safe to cut a path through. My goal is the top of the mountain. Right now the path is pretty rocky. It isn’t heading up or down. I can’t tell you how fast I’m moving along the path either, for I don’t know.
The goal, my goal, is to live life on life’s terms, to be able to handle living life on life’s terms, to love living life on life’s terms. To just be okay with the journey. Which, sometimes I’m doing more and sometimes I’m doing less. More of the ‘less’ than the ‘more’ but I’m beginning to believe that it may be possible. A case in point is the past few days. Which, were tough. I ditched some work yesterday. Haven’t done all I need to for work. And it’s okay. Coz’ I’m LIVING with it. I’m present for it. I don’t know how to put into words just how major that is for me. That I’m actually living with the reality (even as I’m not always able to handle it. I am handling it, sort of). I realized that when I was trying to remember if things have ever been as intense as they were the other night (I freaked out on AH, completely freaked out, and being that I wasn’t talking, at all, could’t, he didn’t know what was going on). They have never been that hard. Haven’t been as drained from freaking out to that extent in a long time. Why not though? Because I’d never have lived through it. I’d have been living in my own world of fantasy and using whatever it was that I was in the mood of using at the time. I’d have cut off, tuned out, escaped, whatever it took. I wouldn’t have known that I was freaking. And if I was aware I would have run away, turned off skype, definitely not stayed with it and stuck through it, however tough it was, and however vulnerable I feel that he saw me in freak out mode. So yeah, life is a learning curve. Life is a curve. Recovery is a curve. Take some steps back and take some steps forward. Sometimes all we can do is stay where we are and do our best to stay safe and not let ourselves cross anymore lines than we have (thinking of the letter I was copying out today with that. Wrote that letter when I was using, and knew that my best for the moment was not to cross the line of safety. Not to use all the painkillers I had and take away all hope). And sometimes we go backwards. We can always use that to go forwards though. And know at the time that we can. Accept ourselves whilst we’re doing it, and know that whilst there is life, there is hope (where does that saying come from?). For where there is life, there is hope.
​Been rambling. Again.

I wrote this as post. Then realized that in reality, it’s a reason too.

Eliza

Letter to myself: 26th July ’17

Dear Eliza

It’s so much easier to mess up. To test the boundaries (of safety with painkillers). I know how much you want to. How much you feel it’s a need. I don’t know what to tell you. I can’t promise you that it’s worth it not to, for I just don’t know. I can tell you though, that people have done this before you. That however much it seems impossible to leave the tunnel you’re trapped in, especially when you aren’t ready to get up, people have done it before you. You have more power and strength than you believe. I know that using is safer. I know that the painkillers cloud everything over in a sense. I know that you can’t face dealing with the world at the moment. Just know that you aren’t alone. That you have the ability to get past this. And that you deserve life. I know you don’t believe that. But you do. You deserve to live. You deserve to be okay. You’re worth it. Even as you’re messing up you’re worth it. Continue reading “Letter to myself: 26th July ’17”

Just for today

Today is a new day.
Just for today I want to enjoy the day.
Just for today I want to stay with the reality
Just for today I want to know that however hard it gets, it will pass
Just for today I will know that I’m not alone, god is with me
Just for today I will try not to mess up in order to fight that
Just for today I’ll believe in myself
Just for today I’ll believe in possibility
Just for today I’ll believe in those who believe in me when I don’t believe in myself
Just for today I’ll try stay in the present, stay present, and just breathe
Just for today I’ll try accept my best as my best

I’d love to hear yours :)

Eliza

18th April…

I left work early. Meant to still be in school, well, straight through until 4 today. Needed in school until 11.25. I left my student with some work at 10.55. And, kinda that has to be okay. Not the best option, but, kinda the only option. I wish I could stay in bed all day today. Not really, I’d get bored. I wonder actually if I really would. Get bored that is. Coiled so tightly. If anyone breaks that last straw I’ll be really frustrated with them. They won’t have to handle it. I will. Just drained/tired from last night. Exhausted. If I’d use a colour radar, hey, yeah I know I’m interrupting myself – well this is often why I’m not understandable, I interrupt myself, and jump into interruption b to comment on that, I’m better about it, really I am, but yeah, so anyways, the hey was that it’s cool. Some crap therapist once asked me to fill in a mood diary for each hour of the day. She never understood why I couldn’t fill in any moods. Or why I couldn’t at least draw faces. If I would it’d all be half smiles, very rarely a smiley face, equally as rarely a sad face. I don’t have, have never had, a way to rate what’s going on in my world. If I’d use red, orange, green, and this is the part I’m finding pretty cool – that I’m thinking in colours. Which, really is pretty awesome. I don’t know what colour I’d use now. Probably somewhere between green and orange. More green. Calm this moment. I know it can change in a moment’s time. Left school coz’ had to. I didn’t HAVE to be there, I could leave my student with some work however not ideal that is, so I couldn’t stay. Not sure if I can face work this afternoon, but it’s not like I really have an option. At the moment I can do it. I think as soon as I get there though, or after half an hour, that’ll change. Oh well, will handle that then. Not now.

Interrupting myself again. Journalling, or blogging as it’s on my blog, helps me now, helps me put down what I’m thinking, put it into some semblance of order so that it makes sense to me. I was saying last night that sometimes writing is the worst thing for me to do. Couldn’t write last night. That if I write when in that mode it’ll push it past ‘too much’. Sometimes engaging with what’s going on will help me handle it and make sense of it. Sometimes engaging with it is too much and I’ll cut off/tune out because I try to engage in it. I wish I’d know beforehand which it is. Or really, I wish I’d be able to recognize what’s going on for me. I said it’s cool that I’m thinking in colour terms. It is. Really it is. Yet. It doesn’t help. For I never know what really is what. For like take this moment in time. I would use the colour green honestly. It is the truth. I do know because of yesterday and today, that anything can switch that in a moment to, probably 8/10 in orange terms. Most times I wouldn’t know that. And I’m guessing things don’t just ‘flip a switch’ constantly. Yeah, it will sometimes, probably even often, but there’s also just as often probably a gradual changing. I don’t like writing this. There probably is. Though I’m just not usually aware of it.

It would have helped yesterday if I’d known. When I spoke to AH it pretty quickly spiralled. It’s not that it never has gone that far before. The difference yesterday was that I didn’t actually cut off from it. I was present. Which, yeah, makes it harder, but I’m grateful for that too. Interrupting myself again :) but that’s something I was thinking about often. That sometimes I don’t mind if it’s hard, and sometimes I do. So if it’s hard coz’ of good things, or things I want, then it’s easier to handle than if it’s as hard negatively. Like it’s easier for me to handle being present whilst I’m freaking out, even though I hate it, then to handle when I cut off from it (which I’m pretty certain I wrote here but can’t remember), when I’m there but not there. Though if I’d never been ‘present’ I wouldn’t care. And also, going back, when he asked me what was going on, I actually let him know. I wrote an email and deleted most of it. Kept the part about what I’d been thinking. In the past, once spoke about telling him when it’s too much. Which I told him, I do when I can. I do it in my way. I say what I need in my way, which usually isn’t understood. Like when I asked him to fill the silence. I really needed him to just talk. To stop the spiral going further. Which he didn’t. That wasn’t what I mean though. I’d been thinking that if I had a red card I would’ve picked it up. Although at that point in time I actually wouldn’t have. Was freaking out way too much to be able to do that. But that should have a way of telling him that, and just, I don’t.

It scares me a lot that I freaked out on him and let him know that I did. coz yeah I often have, but whether he knew or not I hadn’t let him in. And I let him in now… and that scares me. DK is the only person who has ever seen me in freak out mode before. And honestly, I think I scared her a lot. She was visiting my town and wanted to come over and being that I never see her I wanted to, and it was too bad, but yeah. So it makes me feel way too vulnerable.

So today I’m exhausted. I don’t know if getting enough sleep would help although it probably would. As soon as put down yesterday got up and had a shower. And then watched a movie. Didn’t fall asleep after so watched ellentube until I could sleep. Today is a new day.

I’m falling asleep whilst spacing out. Have to leave in an hour and 10 minutes to be in school on time. Hmm. Will try give my second group work to do. Don’t and won’t have the ability to teach them. It’s not fair to them. First group are calm enough. Then going on an ‘outing’ to the park, in the heat wave that we were supposed to have :) there’s no sun :( and spent ages this morning trying to find something I’m happy to wear, when I’ve enough clothes for this kinda weather! It’s not freezing though. Which is cool. And last group should also be okay. It’s only the second. And isn’t fair to them but I guess it’s too bad. Maybe I’ll make some cookies. See if the cleaner is still here.

Hey, guess what? well besides for that I’ve pins and needles in some of my fingers making it harder to type, I never knew I could type without looking without using all my fingers… learn something new every day. There’s some blue in the sky!!!!!! Oh, the clouds are covering t as I write this. Oh well, maybe it’ll soon be blue again. If I don’t get up now definitely won’t have time to make those cookies…….

17th April ’18

I want to put this down, although don’t have the head to at the moment. At all. I know if I don’t now I probably never will.

Just finished watching a movie.

Spoke to AH before. Not sure why but I completely freaked out. I’m actually pretty proud of myself. For I didn’t just hang up. Actually, if I’d just hung up, come to think of it, he’d have thought it was to do with him. It never does. I saw something interesting too. I didn’t tune out. Yeah, at some point I did, but, however much I tuned out, I was present. I was thinking how frustrating it was that I wasn’t present in the world. I realized tonight that I actually am present. Yeah, I still do tune out, but I’m present. And though I don’t like being present for this, I appreciate that I’m ‘here’. I asked him to talk to me. He didn’t understand it. Eventually he listened to me and did just talk. Although he felt foolish for it. It really did help. I actually felt bad for him. For he had no clue what was going on. And, I didn’t have the way to tell him that I was in full freak out mode. When he asked me to tell him what was going on it was after he’d spoken for a bit. I wrote him an email. Then cut off most of it, keeping in the part where I said that I’d been thinking that if I had a red card I would have flashed it. It’s strange. He was saying how articulate I can be at times. I can at times. I don’t think anything I write now is going to be making any sense. I’m proud of myself. For staying on skype. For staying with it. For doing what I could to tell him, even if it was way too quiet for him to hear and just didn’t have the strength to repeat myself.

He asked me what would be when he put down. I answered although he didn’t hear. Had a shower, put on a wash, and put on a movie. When I freak out I have to just get busy doing stuff. I don’t really know how to change it, and that doesn’t, but, it’s okay. And in reality, I guess I never used to deal with it, for I’d just cut off. It’s strange how words mean such different things to different people. B cut off I mean that some parts would still be freaking out, but it’d be, distant. Sometimes it’d be like I’m watching it. Sometimes it’d be, and this is something I absolutely hate when it happens, sometimes when I’m freaking and sit down to journal and after 2 sentences it’s just too much, probably coz’ sometimes journaling really helps me to calm down, and sometimes engaging with it probably isn’t the best idea, but I’ve no clue of knowing ever what is what. Then when I sit down to journal after 2 sentences I’m jsut, not there. Dunno how to put it differently. And I hate it. I really do. And I could be still in frozen mode, but not really present. And today I was present. I am present. So although I hate what happened, and I especially hate it coz’ feel way too vulnerable at the moment And I’m surprised that he handled it okay. He was thrown in the deep end. Coz’ yeah I’ve freaked out on AH plenty of times. He’s never known it though. And I’d always cut off from it. So I’d be freaking out, but just wouldn’t be present. He actually dealt with it. The only thing he could have done differently, which he couldn’t have as he didn’t know, was when I told him to just talk, he should’ve just spoken. He thought I just wanted the silence filled. it wasn’t about that. It was too. But more coz’ I couldn’t handle the silence. And the longer the silence the more I couldn’t handle it. And he was putting his foot in it. A lot. I guess I feel a bit bad for him (well, I usually always do, so nothing new there). Though yeah, I guess I’m proud of myself too. And it’s strange. Dunno what will happen when meant to speak next week. Feeling extremely vulnerable. For, he saw me in freak out mode. And, I let him. And that’s not safe.

Gonna try to sleep. I know I likely won’t, but hey, you never know.

I hope that none of this is too incomprehensible, or spelled too horrendously. Don’t have the headspace to make anything make sense at the moment.

‘night world.

Eliza

Conquering the fear of failure.

“A man that is born falls into a dream like a man who falls into the sea. If he tries to climb out into the air, as inexperienced people endeavour to do, he drowns.”

(Joseph Conrad. “Lord Jim”).

I’m going through a tough situation. Time is running out. I got desperate, thinking of all that was at stake, all I could lose with just a ‘faux pas’…

Then I received a phone call from someone who I thought was a friend. Instead of lending me a helping hand, he tried to take advantage of my situation. This turned my state of helplessness into one of anger, and this anger brought me the energy I was lacking to face the situation instead of passively waiting for it to pass and mourn the losses.

I may lose everything anyway, but, instead of playing not to lose, I’ll battle and take pride in myself for losing… but NEVER GIVING UP.

 

Dialogue about suicide – 14th Sept ’16

I know I’m random posting some old stuff… but I like the stuff, so it’s getting here. Hope others do too.
Eliza, if I give you the option to die right now would you take it?
Yes. No hesitations
If I tell you that I have the way for you to kill yourself, that would definitely work, would you do it?
I think yes. Though somehow I’d have to think through ending it myself more than it ending
Why would you hesitate
coz’ I guess maybe in some ways I want to live
so why would you let it be ended definitely but would hesitate about being the one to end it?
coz’ there god is choosing for me.
Oh. I didn’t know that I care about god at all
Is that the only reason you wouldn’t end it?
I don’t know. I would end it. I’d just think about it first.
What would you first be thinking about
Whether it’s really worth it. Whether, maybe I would have the strength to get to another side
So why would you end it?
Coz’ I DON’T have the strength. But I’d think about it first.
What else would you be thinking about
The loss
The loss?
yeah. The loss
What do you mean by that? The loss to what?
Life
So you want life?
NO! NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO, NO, NO NO NO
Okay Eliza, calm down. You don’t need to want it.
It feels wrong not to
Okay.
What loss would you be thinking about? I don’t understand what you mean.
That there’s no more opportunity, no more hope, no more ability to give to others, no more chance to change the world for it’d be final. I’d be gone.
Yet you’d choose still to end it?
Yes, coz’ the loss isn’t worth it
What else to you mean by ‘the loss’?
I don’t know. That if I’d kill myself I’d never have been able to do what I was here for. That is why I want god to end it more than I want to, for then I didn’t make that choice. Someone once told me that killing myself is murder. I don’t know about that. It’s not enough to stop me, but, yet I do care in a way. I don’t know…
So what is stopping you now?
coz’ I promised to try. And if I don’t try I’ll never know what could have been. I don’t know. For, that kind of means that I believe it could change and I don’t, but I also want to believe in hope.
So what do you believe in?
Cruelty. Betrayal. Pain. Disregard for others
Huh?
I don’t know. Didn’t mean to say that.
So why did you commit to try?
Coz’, I don’t know. Maybe in some ways I do think there’s another way
Another way to what?
I don’t know to what. Just another way
Another? Other than what?
That suicide doesn’t have to be the only answer. Maybe there’s another answer. If I don’t try I’ll never know
And you want there to be another answer?
I don’t know if I do. It’s like, no, I don’t, I just want to end it right f***ing now, but there’s also another voice that I can’t hear
And what is this voice saying?
That if I don’t try I’ll never get to another side. If I never get to another side I’ll never be able to help others
And you want to help others?
Yes
If you can’t ever help others would you hold on? Or try?
I think not. What would be the point?
You tell me
There would be no point. why would I try for me? That’s not worth it. But if maybe I can give to others, I don’t know. It’s still not worth it, but it’s all I can think of
And that’s the only reason you’d try?
Yes
Why else do you want to live?
I don’t
kay, so why else wouldn’t you kill yourself?
no other reason
So if someone would give you the option of definite suicide the only loss you’ll think of is what you could’ve given to others?
Yes
What other losses could there be?
There isn’t.
What else could you lose?
Nothing. Don’t care about anything else. Like what? That I won’t get married, raise a family? So? Why would I want to bring children into the world anyways?
To live
And what? Let them live life?? Why would I be so cruel?
Coz’ maybe it’s not cruel. I mean, look at all the people constantly giving birth, do you think they’re all cruel?
In a way yes. Not completely
So why don’t you think they’re cruel? What reason would you give to me if I were asking?
Coz maybe there’s also joy in life
So this joy takes away the cruelty?
No. Because there’s no meaning to it.
No meaning?
No. It’s not like it were for a purpose. There can be no purpose to life. Other than cruelty.
So you’re saying that the fact that anyone is alive is sadism?
Yes
What about all those who think differently to you? You think they’re fooling themselves?
In a way yes. I guess not everyone can be. But maybe they can. I don’t know. I don’t know what they see differently.
But you know that others do see it differently?
Yes, coz’ otherwise they would have ended it, the world wouldn’t be here, population of the world, I mean.
So obviously there is some purpose?
No. They could just not have thought about it.
So all those who are alive are either dumb or foolish?
I didn’t say that. I don’t know. I don’t.
Maybe they see some purpose to living that you don’t.
Maybe. But who cares what others see? That doesn’t make a difference to me now.
Maybe it should. Maybe if so many people view things differently, you could perhaps one day too
Who cares about that?? What’s the difference it maybe one day I may perhaps, theoretically, possibly think differently?
You tell me. What difference does it make?
That maybe it’s not hopeless. Maybe there could be meaning.
But I don’t think that can make it worth it to live now for that maybe one day
Yet you still haven’t killed yourself
Right. Coz I promised
And before then. Why not?
I guess somewhere I believe that maybe, I don’t know, I can’t write it coz’ it’s too impossible. But maybe, I don’t know, whatever
What do you think could be possible?
Nothing
For someone else, not for you.
To get to another side. To see meaning. To believe in hope. To help others be who they can. To be nice/good/worthy/deserving.

Shards

I wrote this elsewhere, and decided to take it and go with it, try make something positive of it.

As I said, I feel like I’ve fallen off the cliff edge and have no clue how to prepare myself for landing, or what even is at the bottom, way too far off for me to see. 
This morning I had 45 minutes spare before work. And I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know how to handle the time. It’s not like I don’t have what I can do. Plenty I can. And nothing feasible. I hate it… I know something has to change. Just not sure what. And I also kinda feel that I just have to wait for it all to pass. Wait for the dust to settle before picking up the pieces. I’m just scared that whilst sitting waiting for the dust to settle I’m going to breaking the pieces into shards so small that it won’t be possible to pick them up again. 

I may have fallen off the cliff edge, and have no clue what will be. It actually defines pretty accurately what is going on for me. It scares me. A lot. I’m using. Sometimes. It’s not like I am. It’s not like I’m not. I went to get some medication that a dermatologist prescribed from my GP. I told him that when it was prescribed he didn’t want to give it to me since at the time I’d been using co-codamol. I told him that today I haven’t. He wanted to know if that meant I hadn’t that day but had the previous. I hadn’t. Not the day before that either. I did though this morning and last night. Again, nothing really. Nothing that would do anything, but, I don’t know. Sometimes I’m so calm, sometimes I just sit there and have no idea what to do with myself, and sometimes I feel like I’m creating an issue when there is none, sometimes I want to just break everything into nothingness.

Sit here and wait for it to pass. What’s the ‘it’? Until I get tired of this and decide I have to change it? I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know what to do. And yet I also know that I’m not doing nothing. That’s really what I meant about playing the waiting game. That I think I’m doing what I’m meant to be doing. And it’s just that time takes time. Question is whether I can afford to wait that time. I don’t know. I also think that it all seems like it’s the same, when in reality it isn’t. In reality I’m not in the same place I was. I was re-reading stuff I wrote, and it was all the same. It’s hard to see the differences for they’re so subtle. And being that I can’t see the changes it just makes it all seem like it’s a waste of time. Like it all has been a waste of time. I know it isn’t so. I just can’t see it. Especially because of all the things that really are the same. And some of the changes, I can’t appreciate. What, I should see it as major that when someone pointed it out to me I can see that what someone did is crossing boundaries? Yeah, it’s change, for if someone had pointed it out to me in the past they’d have had to do a whole lot of explaining, here, my friend was surprised at something that happened, and it took some thinking about on my part to realize that you know, what that person did wasn’t appropriate. I don’t see it as anything different. I don’t see anything like that making anything worth it. And, I know how I work.

I gave this analogy to someone when I was trying to explain how I work things through.
Puzzles. I’ve made some puzzles. When I make a puzzle I sort out the side pieces. Then I sort the sides into colours. And put the colours together. And put the sides together. Then choose a colour from the middle. Whilst I sort the side from the rest, I usually also do an extremely skimmed sorting of the rest of the colours, when choosing another colour, some more pieces that I’m not looking at yet I also sort. So that when I do the edge, or any other part of the puzzle, I’m actually organizing some other pieces even though it’s not something I’m coming to yet.

This is how I work with everything. When I’m trying to work something through. When I want anything to change. It gets me frustrated. Especially because everything takes forever. Like seriously forever. And I rarely can ever see the point. So something I’ve been trying to work through for the past 6 months is what I believe. I can summarize what I’ve come up with into 2 paragraphs, and raise 2 fundamental questions on it. It’s not like what I’ve worked through there hasn’t helped me. It has. And I know it has also because I’m fighting it. I wouldn’t fight something I didn’t care about or that had no impact on me. It’s effect is amazing, if I didn’t have to fight it. Fighting it doesn’t help me, but I am anyways. That’s also what’s going on. Fighting what I know a lot, fighting that it’s so, for I don’t want it to be. I want control. Yet, it seems pointless. I guess pointless isn’t the right word. It’s not pointless. It seems worthless. Relevant. But worthless. I guess I feel like everyone, not sure who the everyone is, or no one, whoever the no one is, works this way. That they all will just get it. They’ll take a week to read through something, form their own opinions and apply it. Whereas I take 6 months to write 2 paragraphs with a question on each.

And life is like that for me. It’s not like I don’t get anything. It’s not like it’s really true that nothing changes. Things change. I just can’t see it. For they’re so minor. And yeah they’re real. And then I fight what changes. Until I can accept it. And then I will fight it again. And then, yeah, I don’t know. I just want to see that it’s worth it.

Shards. I feel like I’m breaking everything I had into pieces so small that they’ll never be able to form anything again. Does that matter though? Does it have to make a difference? So I won’t be able to pick those pieces up to form anything. Instead I’ll have to form whatever I want. All possibilities open in front of me. Unlimited. Coz’ the infinite can give me infinite possibilities. Well, if I want to form anything ever, whenever ‘this’ whatever ‘this’ is passes, by then I’ll probably have stopped hating the fact that there is a power in control, and use it for my benefit, instead of destroying myself to be in control.

I’m tired. I don’t think this is really what I meant when I was going to put something positive down. But oh well. It’s something anyways. And has taken some of the strands flying about and made some semblance of order from them.

So long,

Eliza