LTM: Living in this world

Dear Eliza,

You wanted to write this, to see if it’ll help. Except that sitting here, pen in hand, you wonder how writing to yourself can help. Especially when you’re writing in 3rd person. So don’t. Hi Eliza. This is yourself speaking. Weird. Scrap that. I don’t know what I want to hear, so don’t know what to write. I don’t know what will help. I don’t know how to calm myself down.

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Fifty Eight: Being there for others

I want to use at the moment. Triggered majorly by being under the weather, by the physical symptoms of being under the weather mirroring the physical effect that using as much as I was had on me. I know that using would send me spiraling and probably bring me back to being actively suicidal. At the moment I’m okay with being here. Yeah there are times when I think about suicide, Continue reading “Fifty Eight: Being there for others”

Fifty Seven: Face the fear

There is a book ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’ by Susan Jeffers. I love the title of the book. It’s a motto I hold, although I don’t act on it anywhere near often enough. The first time I did something solely because I was afraid was when I was invited to join a group of girls going away for a weekend. I knew that they were acquaintances and not friends. I knew that they were friends with each other. I knew that someone I feel responsible for would be there, and that whatever I did would be wrong. I chose to go knowing it all. Precisely because I was afraid.

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Fifty one: Stumbling block or stepping stone?

Everything that happens in life can either be a stumbling block that sends you tripping and ultimately down the darkest chasms, or a stepping stone, which you climb higher and higher. Everything. It doesn’t always seem so. There are some things in my life that I wonder about. Like the fact that I have a plan down to the hours that I can use to kill myself, including to the method at hand.

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