18th April…

I left work early. Meant to still be in school, well, straight through until 4 today. Needed in school until 11.25. I left my student with some work at 10.55. And, kinda that has to be okay. Not the best option, but, kinda the only option. I wish I could stay in bed all day today. Not really, I’d get bored. I wonder actually if I really would. Get bored that is. Coiled so tightly. If anyone breaks that last straw I’ll be really frustrated with them. They won’t have to handle it. I will. Just drained/tired from last night. Exhausted. If I’d use a colour radar, hey, yeah I know I’m interrupting myself – well this is often why I’m not understandable, I interrupt myself, and jump into interruption b to comment on that, I’m better about it, really I am, but yeah, so anyways, the hey was that it’s cool. Some crap therapist once asked me to fill in a mood diary for each hour of the day. She never understood why I couldn’t fill in any moods. Or why I couldn’t at least draw faces. If I would it’d all be half smiles, very rarely a smiley face, equally as rarely a sad face. I don’t have, have never had, a way to rate what’s going on in my world. If I’d use red, orange, green, and this is the part I’m finding pretty cool – that I’m thinking in colours. Which, really is pretty awesome. I don’t know what colour I’d use now. Probably somewhere between green and orange. More green. Calm this moment. I know it can change in a moment’s time. Left school coz’ had to. I didn’t HAVE to be there, I could leave my student with some work however not ideal that is, so I couldn’t stay. Not sure if I can face work this afternoon, but it’s not like I really have an option. At the moment I can do it. I think as soon as I get there though, or after half an hour, that’ll change. Oh well, will handle that then. Not now.

Interrupting myself again. Journalling, or blogging as it’s on my blog, helps me now, helps me put down what I’m thinking, put it into some semblance of order so that it makes sense to me. I was saying last night that sometimes writing is the worst thing for me to do. Couldn’t write last night. That if I write when in that mode it’ll push it past ‘too much’. Sometimes engaging with what’s going on will help me handle it and make sense of it. Sometimes engaging with it is too much and I’ll cut off/tune out because I try to engage in it. I wish I’d know beforehand which it is. Or really, I wish I’d be able to recognize what’s going on for me. I said it’s cool that I’m thinking in colour terms. It is. Really it is. Yet. It doesn’t help. For I never know what really is what. For like take this moment in time. I would use the colour green honestly. It is the truth. I do know because of yesterday and today, that anything can switch that in a moment to, probably 8/10 in orange terms. Most times I wouldn’t know that. And I’m guessing things don’t just ‘flip a switch’ constantly. Yeah, it will sometimes, probably even often, but there’s also just as often probably a gradual changing. I don’t like writing this. There probably is. Though I’m just not usually aware of it.

It would have helped yesterday if I’d known. When I spoke to AH it pretty quickly spiralled. It’s not that it never has gone that far before. The difference yesterday was that I didn’t actually cut off from it. I was present. Which, yeah, makes it harder, but I’m grateful for that too. Interrupting myself again :) but that’s something I was thinking about often. That sometimes I don’t mind if it’s hard, and sometimes I do. So if it’s hard coz’ of good things, or things I want, then it’s easier to handle than if it’s as hard negatively. Like it’s easier for me to handle being present whilst I’m freaking out, even though I hate it, then to handle when I cut off from it (which I’m pretty certain I wrote here but can’t remember), when I’m there but not there. Though if I’d never been ‘present’ I wouldn’t care. And also, going back, when he asked me what was going on, I actually let him know. I wrote an email and deleted most of it. Kept the part about what I’d been thinking. In the past, once spoke about telling him when it’s too much. Which I told him, I do when I can. I do it in my way. I say what I need in my way, which usually isn’t understood. Like when I asked him to fill the silence. I really needed him to just talk. To stop the spiral going further. Which he didn’t. That wasn’t what I mean though. I’d been thinking that if I had a red card I would’ve picked it up. Although at that point in time I actually wouldn’t have. Was freaking out way too much to be able to do that. But that should have a way of telling him that, and just, I don’t.

It scares me a lot that I freaked out on him and let him know that I did. coz yeah I often have, but whether he knew or not I hadn’t let him in. And I let him in now… and that scares me. DK is the only person who has ever seen me in freak out mode before. And honestly, I think I scared her a lot. She was visiting my town and wanted to come over and being that I never see her I wanted to, and it was too bad, but yeah. So it makes me feel way too vulnerable.

So today I’m exhausted. I don’t know if getting enough sleep would help although it probably would. As soon as put down yesterday got up and had a shower. And then watched a movie. Didn’t fall asleep after so watched ellentube until I could sleep. Today is a new day.

I’m falling asleep whilst spacing out. Have to leave in an hour and 10 minutes to be in school on time. Hmm. Will try give my second group work to do. Don’t and won’t have the ability to teach them. It’s not fair to them. First group are calm enough. Then going on an ‘outing’ to the park, in the heat wave that we were supposed to have :) there’s no sun :( and spent ages this morning trying to find something I’m happy to wear, when I’ve enough clothes for this kinda weather! It’s not freezing though. Which is cool. And last group should also be okay. It’s only the second. And isn’t fair to them but I guess it’s too bad. Maybe I’ll make some cookies. See if the cleaner is still here.

Hey, guess what? well besides for that I’ve pins and needles in some of my fingers making it harder to type, I never knew I could type without looking without using all my fingers… learn something new every day. There’s some blue in the sky!!!!!! Oh, the clouds are covering t as I write this. Oh well, maybe it’ll soon be blue again. If I don’t get up now definitely won’t have time to make those cookies…….

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